This week I have been teaching my 7th graders about Point of View. I used a cup that had liquid filled half way, and asked the students to decide whether they saw the glass as half full or half empty. The class was pulled in different directions deciding on which was right or wrong. But the truth is, both perspectives were right, just one might have been more optimistic than the other. Perspective is always a huge part of human interaction. The same story can be told in so many different ways simply by point of view. But at the end of the day, the Omniscient One is the only one that knows the complete truth, and we are simply called to seek that truth.
When I was in 5th grade, I got in an argument with one of my friends. I don't even remember what the fight was about, but I know that it was most likely not worth the hours and hours (which seemed like days in a 5th grade mind) of time that we did not speak to eachother. Eventually I broke my wall of pride down and apologized, but my friend did NOT want to hear it. She refused my apology. I was apalled. HOW could someone not forgive my sincerest apology? HOW could someone be so proud and mean!? How could someone make me feel so small and worthless?
I have always accepted God grace for myself. I know myself well enough to see that I do not deserve the supernatural grace that God has given me willingly. Ever since I was a small girl I have learned the truth of His mercy. Through so many avenues God has taught me about His ultimate sacrfice: the wordless book, diarammas in Sunday School, countless altar calls, bible songs accompanied by intense sign language..and many many more. But I never really and truly grasped the grace and mercy of God until I saw that I needed it: when it wasn't given to me willingly by those who I desperately wanted it from.
As I look back on the dramatic argument of 5th grade, I'm starting to see it from my friend's perspective. I see why it might have been that she refused to forgive me. I see why it is that she didn't want to be involved in my life. I betrayed her. I hurt her. I made her feel small and worthless. God had already forgiven me for the things that I said and did to her, but all I cared about was the fact that she DIDN'T forgive me.
How often do I see myself on both sides of this scenario. Wanting desperately for someone to forgive me, and then on the other side: too prideful to forgive. Such is the neverending cycle of unforgiveness that so many of us fall into, and honestly I have fallen into it.
I hurt so I hurt someone else.
I'm not forgiven, so I don't forgive.
Why is it that my flesh wins time and time again? Thank you, Lord, for showing me my heart.
God teach me how to see, know, and remember that your grace is enough Please be praying for me this week as I learn how to forgive as well as how to be far from home. Rachel
A bunch of friends in Bolivia celebrating Katie's birthday
Today is National Friendship Day in Bolivia so naturally I should blog about friendship and post some photos of a couple of my friends.
I'm very much an extrovert. I love people and friends. People help me recharge. I admire those that enjoy their time alone and recharge alone, but its hard for me to understand their perspective on life and living. Throughout my life I have prided myself in my relational personality. I love to spend quality time with people. It used to be about numbers. HOW MANY friends can I have? Eventually my desires in friends turned into exclusively looking for good quality friendships.
A friend God graced me with: Dpo (my roommate)
As I continue to consider my life and interactions here in Bolivia, I'm realizing how rare it is to have a good solid and real friendship. A friendship that isn't broken by an ocean. A friendship that passes by the mundane and pointless conversations and straight to deep heart level conversatons. God has blessed me with amazing friends across the Globe that I can't even thank Him enough. But the problem is that I don't thank Him at all.
Instead of thanking God for the people in my life, I put him in the backseat of my life. I used to have a friend in High School that I would follow around and do things for. I desperately wanted to be her friend that I would always say yes when she wanted to hang out, and when she'd cancel I'd get hurt time and time again. I would do anything to hang out with her. Anything to say that she was my friend. Eventually I realized that I was HER friend, but she wasn't mine, and I needed to move on.
my best friend, Dave, on one of our skype dates! ;)
Wow. I treat God the way my "friend" in High School treated me. I have trouble singing the song "I have a friend in God" because I can't see my relationship with God as a friendship. I see it as so much more formal and square than that. But realistically, thats my own fault. He's the last one that I ask to hang out with. He's the last one that I talk to when I'm in a crisis, He's the last one I consult for advice when I'm making decisions. I don't spend quality time with Him like I do with my friends or my boyfriend. I don't carve out a specific time to skype with Him. There are so many things in my life...the life HE gave me...that I don't include Him in.
I should be the one chasing God for a friendship, but instead He's the one chasing me. How privileged am I that I get to be friends with the Creator of the Universe? And the thing is, he won't just move on or get tired of chasing me, but I need to stop making Him chase me and start letting Him walk alongside me in every single aspect of my day. From the simple to the complex, the happy to the sad, the normal to the abstract; God wants and yearns to be part of my life, and I should see the value in that.
Thanks for your prayers & support!
Rachel
Prayer Requests for this Week
Saturday: Pray for me as I commit to intentionally spending time with God on a daily basis.
Sunday: Pray for the teachers during this long weekend. That we can relax and rest, but also catch up on work we might be behind in.
Monday: At High School youth group, we are having a party for Santa Cruz Day. Pray that its a night of opportunities to build relationships and trusts between the leaders and students.
Tuesday: Pray for me on my busiest day. Pray that God will grace me with energy and drive that only comes from Him. Pray that I will not attempt to do it on my own
Wednesday: Pray for chapel. That it would be a time that both teachers and students will be able to meet with God and be edified.
Thursday: Pray for the sports teams. That they will be a light on the field (soccer) and on the court (volleyball), and that they will have fun and be protected from injury
Friday: Pray for the Junior High. This is the kick off night for youth group. Pray that they will want to come, and that their hearts will be opened to the Truth.
In hopes to teach the parts of a plot, I shared a personal narrative with my seventh & eighth graders that might have given them a few ideas for April Fools Day this year. The story was about my first encounter with a spider: an encounter which resulted in my never-ending fear of spiders.
As I was challenging my students to come up with a theme for the story I read them, I started thinking to myself how the theme of fear seems to continue to surface in my life. Though I tend to have a rough exterior, and can be pretty independent, somehow I have an underlying soft tissue right below the surface, and a cloud of fear lurking over me that manages to block the Son from view.
When I decided to take on the extra job as the Elementary Music teacher at the SCCLC, I was scared out of my mind. I showed up to the 3rd grade music class with acid in my throat, sweaty palms, and a stomach ache. But God showed up with Tums, Talcom Powder, 7up & Crackers. As soon as the cute little 3rd graders hesitantly walked into my class an overwhelming peace came over me, and it was like I had been teaching Music for years. That confidence could not have come from anyone but my ultimate Protector.
Thats not the only way He has protected me this week. God has given me a lot of grace this week. he got me through PreK and Kindergarten Music classes to the point where they might have even been the highlight of my week. He introduced me to the 6th graders & their spunky rebellion that presents a challenge that I am more than willing to accept. He gave me the chance to have an awesome conversation with one of my students about loving others. He opened doors to get to know a whole different side to the SCCLC that I was blind to: the Elementary side. God continues to show up, He continues to be my protector, and He continues to save the day.
Overall I am overwhelmed and overjoyed with blessings straight from heaven. I knew that I needed to let go of my fears and allow God to take over. Teaching music class wasn't (so far) as BIG of a deal as I allowed it to be in my mind. I'm being stretched in a way that has brought me joy because I knew from the beginning that I couldn't do it on my own--and I have been forced to let God protect me from my fears. Maybe I will be able to face my fear of spiders now!
....yeah right.
Thanks for reading, encouraging & praying! SEE BELOW for specific ways you can be praying this week!
"How am I supposed to do that if you say that I can't even do this?"
"I have lost all of my confidence in this job"
"I'm obeying God, but I'm not ready to be happy about it yet."
These are all things that I have been caught saying this week as my ministry began to take a turn in a different direction. I haven't been trusting that God will figure out the details of this ministry. Details that he genuinely cares about. Details for which he has already orchestrated a plan.
I have officially accepted the Elementary Music teacher position at the SCCLC. I will be doing this job on top of teaching Reading to the 7th and 8th grade classes. Before I left, I was worried that I would have too much time on my hands. Now I feel like I don't have enough time in my day to completely cross off the things on my endless lists.
When I accepted the job to be the Elementary Music teacher, I couldn't help but think.."what? I can't even play the piano! I might be able to sing..but that's not enough!" I still have the fear that my students will see right through me when I attempt to teach a subject that I'm not even trained for. I feel like my students are going to walk all over me because I don't even know where to begin as far as managing classes from Kindergarten to 6th grade. I have enough trouble dealing with middle schoolers.
I have all of these fears that keep creeping in on me, and my confidence as a teacher is low at best. I don't believe that I have started this school year off with a good foot forward because I came in late, and I also had a few hard meetings to sit through that shattered my confidence as well.
But I'm realizing that this is not me. This is not the way that Rachel Gentry does life. I have always been a "low self esteem, high confience" kind of person. I've known those weaknesses of myself for a while. It took coming to Santa Cruz, Bolivia to realize that I am not adequate or qualified.
Tomorrow marks the first day of actually stepping out of my comfort zone. Up until this point I have been doing things that I am confident in even if I'm not incredible or the best at it, I at least have KNOWN what I am doing. God is officially telling me to step completely out of my comfort zone and allow HIM to do the work.
PLEASE be praying for me this week as I start this new journey in my {dis}comfort zone.
Pray for my poor new Elementary students as they wait patiently for me to get used to them & learn their names.
Pray for time management on my end, so that I can get all of my prep & planning finished
Pray for the administration as they patiently answer my countless questions
Pray for myself and my roommate as we continue to grow together and learn about eachother
Pray that I will lay my burdens down at Jesus' feet instead of having this fear of inadequacy
Pray for God to continue to show himself across the SCCLC & that His love will permeate through all of us.
Thanks for you constant support, prayers, and encouragement!
All of the ingredients of a smoothie are good on their own, but together they are more delicious than they would be if they weren't blended. The process of a smoothie completely blending together takes a while. Some of the ingredients are harder to break down, and others can be too watery. But eventually they all form one single product: a delicious smoothie.
My emotions are currently in the blender. They are not yet smoothie material, but I'm attempting to break down the stubborn ones, and learn how to allow them all to work together to become something delicious. Let me show you some of the ingredients:
THE ICE:
This is the first time I cried when I said goodbye to my parents. I think its because I am starting to realize that I'm really going to be gone for a year this time. Every time I have left home, I have only been gone for 4 months at the most. This time I know I will not see my family for a very long time. So much happens in a year, and its hard not to be fearful of the inevitable changes both in me and the people I love.
THE STRAWBERRIES:
When I received my visa I was at an ultimate high. I couldn't wait to make plans to purchase my ticket. I couldn't wait to just get down there. I was so excited that I literally sat and stared in disbelief. Then started to run around my house blasting the video below:
THE YOGURT:
THEN I started to realize it was time to say goodbye, and I started getting confused. I didn't know how to say goodbye to the people I love. I wasn't sure how many times to hug, how MUCH I was supposed to cry, what I was supposed to say as final words. It was kind of a whirlwind. Everything happened so quickly, too. I couldn't figure out what I was supposed to do and how to catch up in my mind.
THE BANANAS:
Dave dropped me off at the airport. (Dave is my boyfriend, we've been seriously dating for a couple months), and I didn't even know how to say goodbye to him. I sat with him with all of these exciting things in the back of my mind: seeing my students, being in Bolivia, finally finishing the waiting process, etc. But then there was this overwhelming lack of ability to separate myself from him: a feeling I had never experienced before. I had a desire for him to come with me on this new adventure. I had a desire not to let him leave my side. After having my final meal: Philly Cheesesteaks, Dave and I said goodbye, and I cried for a good couple hours because of my overwhelming sadness of letting him go and not seeing him for so long.
Final Meal in the US: Cheesesteak!!! :)
We weren't happy to say goodbye :(
THE KIWI:
I am SOO happy and excited to be back in Bolivia. Its really like returning home. But I'm still kind of feeling awkward because I almost feel like I'm going to wake up in my room at my parents house with a text message from Dave. I got so used to life in the States that its hard to separate my routine. Living in Mount Laurel is still so close to my mind that I'm not yet ready to let it go. But at the same time I want to embrace Bolivia, and so far I haven't had a problem with it, but I can't be embracing both at the same time. I'm excited to be rooming with Danielle Potter (Dpo)! I'm excited to see and start teaching my kids, I'm excited to just RE-ENTER Bolivian culture and experience life here.
Dpo and I overwhelmed with Excitement in our Apartment!! :)
As of right now, I'm still processing (or blending...to stick with the metaphor) my feelings towards this drastic life change. God is showing me through it all that I need to continually rely on Him to show me how to get through the day-to-day whether in Santa Cruz or New Jersey.
I had a red-eye flight so I had the chance to see the sunset and the sunrise while in the air. Though it might be a little corny, I can look at this as God showing me that its time to let the sun set on my life in the States and look forward to the sun rising on my life in Bolivia. I'm so thankful for the beauty of God's creation showing me how to transition.
American Sunset
Bolivian Sunrise
The thing about the sun, though, is that its the same no matter where you are. God is my sun...He is the same yesterday, today, and tomorrow, and I need to hold on to that truth. Even when my emotions are going through the blender!
