When Extras Morph into Expectations

shameless picture of Dave & I at our friends' wedding

I have one of the most thoughtful, caring, and and devoted boyfriends imaginable. (sidebar: I hate the word boyfriend it makes me seem like a love-struck teenager when the truth is I am in a committed adult relationship heading in the direction of marriage, so from here on out I will be referring to him by his proper label-Dave.)  Dave started out our relationship with thoughtful text messages or facebook messages almost every morning.  Ones that say "good morning beautiful" or when I was away for a year "I miss <insert something> or his most recent "how has your morning been?" or when I sleep in on the weekends "wake up!" He has showered me with unexpected surprises, unforgettable dates, and loving compliments--anyways in winning my affections, he has been all but unpleasant.

Then there are those days when he unintentionally hurts me because those little blessings don't come.  On these days I start to wonder "why is he ignoring me?" or "did he forget about me?" or "why isn't he like that girl's husband who posted on facebook about the flowers he bought her 'just because.'"  So by the time I spiral my thoughts into a dark abyss filled with questioning, rejection, unintentional confusion, and self-loathing that will only result in the end of our relationship, He sends me an even MORE unexpected text or gives me a call or picks me up and plants a sweet kiss on me.

Do any of these behaviors sound familiar?  As Christ followers, not only in our horizontal relationships, but in the vertical relationship that all of us tend to muck up on a daily basis--we tend to morph the blessings into expectations.  The funny thing of it all is the God doesn't need us.  He could go all day without a loving text message or prayer from us--and He'd be just fine.  He doesn't need our sacrificial and sometimes prideful servanthood and devotion.  He is completely ok and content on His own--I mean He should be.  He is the Creator of the Universe and all.

He created everything.  All things, but not only did He choose to be glorified by these things--He chose to let us, a mere creation, be blessed by them as well.  Recently a dear friend shared one of her favorite quotes from Sir Arthur Conan Doyle's The Memoirs of Sherlock Holmes when Holmes, in his misunderstood reason, is poetically speaking to Watson saying:

"What a lovely thing a rose is." He walked past the couch to the open window and held up the drooping stalk of a moss-rose, looking down at the dainty blend of crimson and green. It was a new phase of his character to me, for I had never before seen him show any keen interest in natural objects.
"There is nothing in which deduction is so necessary as in religion," said he, leaning with his back against the shutters. "It can be built up as an exact science by the reasoner. Our highest assurance of the goodness of Providence seems to me to rest in the flowers. All other things, our powers, our desires, our food, are all really necessary for our existence in the first instance. "But this rose is an extra. Its smell and its color are an embellishment of life, not a condition of it. It is only goodness which gives extras, and so I say again that we have much to hope from the flowers."

What a great reason-based argument for the existence of God there from Sherlock, who in his above average intelligence is clearly unmistaken that only goodness gives extras.  To be more Biblical in my reasoning here, God didn't HAVE to make anything for us other than the simple "glass of water, crust of bread then off to bed" (Beauty and the Beast reference). But He wants us to "Be His Guest" and enjoy the little blessings of the world around us.  Whether tangible or intangible--God blesses us on a daily basis.

So why is it that we don't always feel like He is blessing us?  Thats the point! We should always feel like we are being blessed.  Sometimes we have to try harder to feel this way, but no matter what--in everything we should be giving thanks because it is His will (1 Thess 5:18).  Did you hear that last part? It is His will for us to worship Him; not because He gives us extras,  but because He demands it of us!  Its what we are meant to do; its what we were CREATED to do.

But there's one thing Sherlock didn't mention in his speech about the rose--the thorns.  How poetically creative is God that even through the change of earth due to the corruption of sin--the arguably most beautiful flower is still accessible, with a price.  Scientists have actually tried to develop a truly thornless rose, and after five years of research they have, but all of the bushes are not guaranteed to have absolutely no thorns (source).  It is so easy to admire the beauty of the rose: to smell it, to look at it, to touch the beautiful crimson petals.  But God put a barrier there--the thorns are such a subtle reminder of that block from the extras that we try to bulldoze out of the way with our God-shadowing belief in our own entitlement.  The thorns are a harsh reminder that we don't deserve to experience those extras, but He allows us to, through His grace.  Even when the thorns are there, we are still able to enjoy those precious extras of life.

The beauty of the flower outweighs the fear of being pricked.  Its a simple shift of mind.  Dale Carnegie said in his book How to Stop Worrying and Start Living "two men looked out from prison bars.  One saw the mud, the other saw stars."  How often are we looking at thorns and mud?  How often are we allowing or circumstances dictate the way we worship?

I think I get caught up in the conditional love that we all say is so wrong and SO easy to do.  I always love God--no matter what I follow Him.  Even when its hard I follow Him.  But why is He doing this to me?  Why is He not giving me what I want?  What if he had made this part of my life different?  Why can't I be like...?  And the dark abyss of questioning the Creator of the Universe continues so far that when I start to look in the mirror all I see staring back at me is the Creator of the Universe.  Did you catch that?  When the extras turn into expectations, that is when we start to see ourselves as the Creator of the extras.  The center of the universe--everything that life revolves around.

Wow.  how humbling.  It is when we demand unnecessary things of God that we become our own God--that we get pricked by the thorns.  Maybe it is time to go back to thanking Him for the blessings that I have turned into demands.  Maybe its time to stop trying to handle the roses of my life, but to take a step back and simply start smelling the roses.  Then maybe I can start to embrace and imagine the hope of the true home: a place with unending thornless roses.

Job Searching & Fundraising: A Comparison

Contrary to popular belief, comparison is not an essay that'd be produced from a graphic organizer shaped like a T where there are lists of things that are not like the other.  To compare means to look for similarities between two things.  In this case there are many things to list.

Throughout this summer I have not been living up to the Jersey girl standard of countless trips to the beach.  I have not been shamelessly killing skin cells by being outside for too long.  I have officially stopped sowing my wild oats, and in digging toes in the sand, I have been digging myself into every website I can find searching for teachers.  Instead of throwing my head back in the sunshine, I have been slouching over my computer editing my resume and furiously typing cover letters.  Right now I'm refusing to continue.  Instead of a cute bathing suit or hiking boots, I am wearing ugly heels that hurt my feet, business dresses and suit pants. Rather than travelling to an unknown land and embarking on new adventures, I have been pounding through school doors, meeting with administrators, and receiving polite rejections. Now, My feet hurt, My printer is out of ink, I'm running out of resume paper and I'm simply tired of attempting to walk through slamming doors.

Right about this time last year, though, I remember feeling the same feeling: the knotted-stomach-ball-in the throat-sickness that comes when I am at the absolute lowest point of the roller coaster that is fundraising.  If you are or have been a missionary you know the feeling.  When you check your account about 80 times in one day to see if MAYBE someone donated even one dollar to your trip--and always come up with the same conclusion: nothing.  When you second, third, fourth and fifth guess the decision you were once so confident the Holy Spirit prompted you to make.  Then, you receive more and more polite-but suspiciously emotionally empty responses to the letters you slaved over to make personal that simply say: I'll be praying for you.

"I'll be praying for you" why is it that those words make me feel worse instead of making me feel better?  Maybe its because its something that I tend to say when I don't know what to say.  "You're father died? I'm sorry, I'll be praying for you."  I, like so many Christians and Non-Christians, can easily read beneath the surface of an empty comment.  I can tell when people are genuine, and so often I'm not genuine when I say something like that.  OR I am genuine and pray for them right then and there in my head, but forget about it later.  Somehow we as a Church need to be more supportive--maybe its starts with our vocabulary. BUT that is a different subject for a different time.

Anyway, the feeling that I had last summer is creeping back up in me again.  The feeling of failure--that I am unable to do this.  I looked back on a few of my blogs from last summer and I am reminded of this one. Titled: "Pouty Obedience." I likened my feelings to that of Jonah.  My thought was that Jonah was probably raising support to be a missionary when he decided to flee to Ninevah instead of following what God wanted him to do.  Its funny.  I am in a completely different season of life, and SURE that God told me that I need to be in the States for now--SURE that I am supposed to find a job, and I was once SURE that I will find one.  But Ninevah is still calling my name.  Ironically, in my twisted head, Ninevah is the mission field.  It would be easier to simply go back to Bolivia--to the familiar, and I'm sure they'd welcome me. BUT...

No, I am not raising support to go back to the mission field.  I am staying home.
No, I am not entering full-time ministry.  I am searching for a job.
No, I am not saving the world.  I am entering the American 9-5 lifestyle.
And that is ok.  I'm choosing to obey in a different way.

But now I find myself being thankful that God is stretching me even now--through this experience of the job search.  Its causing me to want to give up.  Its causing me to feel like a failure.  But in His grace, God reminded me that He raised all that money after I was feeling these same feelings one year ago.  He is reminding me that if He was able to do that, get me through a year of constant challenge, guide me every step of the way of my life--surely He is big enough to find me a job.

God is showing me that the roller coaster that is support raising is not isolated to just that. It is one that continues even after its done, even after the mission is done.  There are always going to be lows and highs of every aspect of life.  It is not simply isolated to specific areas--its continual.  That is why there is a goal to be reached at the end of it all--Basking in His eternal Glory.

When Paul wrote to the Corinthians about the sufficiency of God's grace.  He was bold enough to not only embrace the grace of God, but to BOAST in His weaknesses.  In my case, I have a whole lot to boast about.  The feeling of inadequacy continues to surface, and instead of embracing God's grace--I dwell on my weakness, and that is when the the knotted-stomach-ball-in the throat-sickness that comes when I am at the absolute lowest point of the roller coaster begins to be stronger than ever.

Well, the pit feeling isn't gone.  The feeling of failure surely isn't gone.  The pressure still remains.  But instead of wallowing, I am choosing to surrender.  He's got this.  His plan is perfect.  My weakness is His power, and its perfect. He is perfect.

But He said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you