Throughout this summer I have not been living up to the Jersey girl standard of countless trips to the beach. I have not been shamelessly killing skin cells by being outside for too long. I have officially stopped sowing my wild oats, and in digging toes in the sand, I have been digging myself into every website I can find searching for teachers. Instead of throwing my head back in the sunshine, I have been slouching over my computer editing my resume and furiously typing cover letters. Right now I'm refusing to continue. Instead of a cute bathing suit or hiking boots, I am wearing ugly heels that hurt my feet, business dresses and suit pants. Rather than travelling to an unknown land and embarking on new adventures, I have been pounding through school doors, meeting with administrators, and receiving polite rejections. Now, My feet hurt, My printer is out of ink, I'm running out of resume paper and I'm simply tired of attempting to walk through slamming doors.
Right about this time last year, though, I remember feeling the same feeling: the knotted-stomach-ball-in the throat-sickness that comes when I am at the absolute lowest point of the roller coaster that is fundraising. If you are or have been a missionary you know the feeling. When you check your account about 80 times in one day to see if MAYBE someone donated even one dollar to your trip--and always come up with the same conclusion: nothing. When you second, third, fourth and fifth guess the decision you were once so confident the Holy Spirit prompted you to make. Then, you receive more and more polite-but suspiciously emotionally empty responses to the letters you slaved over to make personal that simply say: I'll be praying for you.
"I'll be praying for you" why is it that those words make me feel worse instead of making me feel better? Maybe its because its something that I tend to say when I don't know what to say. "You're father died? I'm sorry, I'll be praying for you." I, like so many Christians and Non-Christians, can easily read beneath the surface of an empty comment. I can tell when people are genuine, and so often I'm not genuine when I say something like that. OR I am genuine and pray for them right then and there in my head, but forget about it later. Somehow we as a Church need to be more supportive--maybe its starts with our vocabulary. BUT that is a different subject for a different time.
Anyway, the feeling that I had last summer is creeping back up in me again. The feeling of failure--that I am unable to do this. I looked back on a few of my blogs from last summer and I am reminded of this one. Titled: "Pouty Obedience." I likened my feelings to that of Jonah. My thought was that Jonah was probably raising support to be a missionary when he decided to flee to Ninevah instead of following what God wanted him to do. Its funny. I am in a completely different season of life, and SURE that God told me that I need to be in the States for now--SURE that I am supposed to find a job, and I was once SURE that I will find one. But Ninevah is still calling my name. Ironically, in my twisted head, Ninevah is the mission field. It would be easier to simply go back to Bolivia--to the familiar, and I'm sure they'd welcome me. BUT...
No, I am not raising support to go back to the mission field. I am staying home.
No, I am not entering full-time ministry. I am searching for a job.
No, I am not saving the world. I am entering the American 9-5 lifestyle.
And that is ok. I'm choosing to obey in a different way.
But now I find myself being thankful that God is stretching me even now--through this experience of the job search. Its causing me to want to give up. Its causing me to feel like a failure. But in His grace, God reminded me that He raised all that money after I was feeling these same feelings one year ago. He is reminding me that if He was able to do that, get me through a year of constant challenge, guide me every step of the way of my life--surely He is big enough to find me a job.
God is showing me that the roller coaster that is support raising is not isolated to just that. It is one that continues even after its done, even after the mission is done. There are always going to be lows and highs of every aspect of life. It is not simply isolated to specific areas--its continual. That is why there is a goal to be reached at the end of it all--Basking in His eternal Glory.
When Paul wrote to the Corinthians about the sufficiency of God's grace. He was bold enough to not only embrace the grace of God, but to BOAST in His weaknesses. In my case, I have a whole lot to boast about. The feeling of inadequacy continues to surface, and instead of embracing God's grace--I dwell on my weakness, and that is when the the knotted-stomach-ball-in the throat-sickness that comes when I am at the absolute lowest point of the roller coaster begins to be stronger than ever.
Well, the pit feeling isn't gone. The feeling of failure surely isn't gone. The pressure still remains. But instead of wallowing, I am choosing to surrender. He's got this. His plan is perfect. My weakness is His power, and its perfect. He is perfect.
But He said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you
Anyway, the feeling that I had last summer is creeping back up in me again. The feeling of failure--that I am unable to do this. I looked back on a few of my blogs from last summer and I am reminded of this one. Titled: "Pouty Obedience." I likened my feelings to that of Jonah. My thought was that Jonah was probably raising support to be a missionary when he decided to flee to Ninevah instead of following what God wanted him to do. Its funny. I am in a completely different season of life, and SURE that God told me that I need to be in the States for now--SURE that I am supposed to find a job, and I was once SURE that I will find one. But Ninevah is still calling my name. Ironically, in my twisted head, Ninevah is the mission field. It would be easier to simply go back to Bolivia--to the familiar, and I'm sure they'd welcome me. BUT...
No, I am not entering full-time ministry. I am searching for a job.
No, I am not saving the world. I am entering the American 9-5 lifestyle.
And that is ok. I'm choosing to obey in a different way.
But now I find myself being thankful that God is stretching me even now--through this experience of the job search. Its causing me to want to give up. Its causing me to feel like a failure. But in His grace, God reminded me that He raised all that money after I was feeling these same feelings one year ago. He is reminding me that if He was able to do that, get me through a year of constant challenge, guide me every step of the way of my life--surely He is big enough to find me a job.
God is showing me that the roller coaster that is support raising is not isolated to just that. It is one that continues even after its done, even after the mission is done. There are always going to be lows and highs of every aspect of life. It is not simply isolated to specific areas--its continual. That is why there is a goal to be reached at the end of it all--Basking in His eternal Glory.
When Paul wrote to the Corinthians about the sufficiency of God's grace. He was bold enough to not only embrace the grace of God, but to BOAST in His weaknesses. In my case, I have a whole lot to boast about. The feeling of inadequacy continues to surface, and instead of embracing God's grace--I dwell on my weakness, and that is when the the knotted-stomach-ball-in the throat-sickness that comes when I am at the absolute lowest point of the roller coaster begins to be stronger than ever.
Well, the pit feeling isn't gone. The feeling of failure surely isn't gone. The pressure still remains. But instead of wallowing, I am choosing to surrender. He's got this. His plan is perfect. My weakness is His power, and its perfect. He is perfect.
But He said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you
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