When Extras Morph into Expectations

shameless picture of Dave & I at our friends' wedding

I have one of the most thoughtful, caring, and and devoted boyfriends imaginable. (sidebar: I hate the word boyfriend it makes me seem like a love-struck teenager when the truth is I am in a committed adult relationship heading in the direction of marriage, so from here on out I will be referring to him by his proper label-Dave.)  Dave started out our relationship with thoughtful text messages or facebook messages almost every morning.  Ones that say "good morning beautiful" or when I was away for a year "I miss <insert something> or his most recent "how has your morning been?" or when I sleep in on the weekends "wake up!" He has showered me with unexpected surprises, unforgettable dates, and loving compliments--anyways in winning my affections, he has been all but unpleasant.

Then there are those days when he unintentionally hurts me because those little blessings don't come.  On these days I start to wonder "why is he ignoring me?" or "did he forget about me?" or "why isn't he like that girl's husband who posted on facebook about the flowers he bought her 'just because.'"  So by the time I spiral my thoughts into a dark abyss filled with questioning, rejection, unintentional confusion, and self-loathing that will only result in the end of our relationship, He sends me an even MORE unexpected text or gives me a call or picks me up and plants a sweet kiss on me.

Do any of these behaviors sound familiar?  As Christ followers, not only in our horizontal relationships, but in the vertical relationship that all of us tend to muck up on a daily basis--we tend to morph the blessings into expectations.  The funny thing of it all is the God doesn't need us.  He could go all day without a loving text message or prayer from us--and He'd be just fine.  He doesn't need our sacrificial and sometimes prideful servanthood and devotion.  He is completely ok and content on His own--I mean He should be.  He is the Creator of the Universe and all.

He created everything.  All things, but not only did He choose to be glorified by these things--He chose to let us, a mere creation, be blessed by them as well.  Recently a dear friend shared one of her favorite quotes from Sir Arthur Conan Doyle's The Memoirs of Sherlock Holmes when Holmes, in his misunderstood reason, is poetically speaking to Watson saying:

"What a lovely thing a rose is." He walked past the couch to the open window and held up the drooping stalk of a moss-rose, looking down at the dainty blend of crimson and green. It was a new phase of his character to me, for I had never before seen him show any keen interest in natural objects.
"There is nothing in which deduction is so necessary as in religion," said he, leaning with his back against the shutters. "It can be built up as an exact science by the reasoner. Our highest assurance of the goodness of Providence seems to me to rest in the flowers. All other things, our powers, our desires, our food, are all really necessary for our existence in the first instance. "But this rose is an extra. Its smell and its color are an embellishment of life, not a condition of it. It is only goodness which gives extras, and so I say again that we have much to hope from the flowers."

What a great reason-based argument for the existence of God there from Sherlock, who in his above average intelligence is clearly unmistaken that only goodness gives extras.  To be more Biblical in my reasoning here, God didn't HAVE to make anything for us other than the simple "glass of water, crust of bread then off to bed" (Beauty and the Beast reference). But He wants us to "Be His Guest" and enjoy the little blessings of the world around us.  Whether tangible or intangible--God blesses us on a daily basis.

So why is it that we don't always feel like He is blessing us?  Thats the point! We should always feel like we are being blessed.  Sometimes we have to try harder to feel this way, but no matter what--in everything we should be giving thanks because it is His will (1 Thess 5:18).  Did you hear that last part? It is His will for us to worship Him; not because He gives us extras,  but because He demands it of us!  Its what we are meant to do; its what we were CREATED to do.

But there's one thing Sherlock didn't mention in his speech about the rose--the thorns.  How poetically creative is God that even through the change of earth due to the corruption of sin--the arguably most beautiful flower is still accessible, with a price.  Scientists have actually tried to develop a truly thornless rose, and after five years of research they have, but all of the bushes are not guaranteed to have absolutely no thorns (source).  It is so easy to admire the beauty of the rose: to smell it, to look at it, to touch the beautiful crimson petals.  But God put a barrier there--the thorns are such a subtle reminder of that block from the extras that we try to bulldoze out of the way with our God-shadowing belief in our own entitlement.  The thorns are a harsh reminder that we don't deserve to experience those extras, but He allows us to, through His grace.  Even when the thorns are there, we are still able to enjoy those precious extras of life.

The beauty of the flower outweighs the fear of being pricked.  Its a simple shift of mind.  Dale Carnegie said in his book How to Stop Worrying and Start Living "two men looked out from prison bars.  One saw the mud, the other saw stars."  How often are we looking at thorns and mud?  How often are we allowing or circumstances dictate the way we worship?

I think I get caught up in the conditional love that we all say is so wrong and SO easy to do.  I always love God--no matter what I follow Him.  Even when its hard I follow Him.  But why is He doing this to me?  Why is He not giving me what I want?  What if he had made this part of my life different?  Why can't I be like...?  And the dark abyss of questioning the Creator of the Universe continues so far that when I start to look in the mirror all I see staring back at me is the Creator of the Universe.  Did you catch that?  When the extras turn into expectations, that is when we start to see ourselves as the Creator of the extras.  The center of the universe--everything that life revolves around.

Wow.  how humbling.  It is when we demand unnecessary things of God that we become our own God--that we get pricked by the thorns.  Maybe it is time to go back to thanking Him for the blessings that I have turned into demands.  Maybe its time to stop trying to handle the roses of my life, but to take a step back and simply start smelling the roses.  Then maybe I can start to embrace and imagine the hope of the true home: a place with unending thornless roses.

Job Searching & Fundraising: A Comparison

Contrary to popular belief, comparison is not an essay that'd be produced from a graphic organizer shaped like a T where there are lists of things that are not like the other.  To compare means to look for similarities between two things.  In this case there are many things to list.

Throughout this summer I have not been living up to the Jersey girl standard of countless trips to the beach.  I have not been shamelessly killing skin cells by being outside for too long.  I have officially stopped sowing my wild oats, and in digging toes in the sand, I have been digging myself into every website I can find searching for teachers.  Instead of throwing my head back in the sunshine, I have been slouching over my computer editing my resume and furiously typing cover letters.  Right now I'm refusing to continue.  Instead of a cute bathing suit or hiking boots, I am wearing ugly heels that hurt my feet, business dresses and suit pants. Rather than travelling to an unknown land and embarking on new adventures, I have been pounding through school doors, meeting with administrators, and receiving polite rejections. Now, My feet hurt, My printer is out of ink, I'm running out of resume paper and I'm simply tired of attempting to walk through slamming doors.

Right about this time last year, though, I remember feeling the same feeling: the knotted-stomach-ball-in the throat-sickness that comes when I am at the absolute lowest point of the roller coaster that is fundraising.  If you are or have been a missionary you know the feeling.  When you check your account about 80 times in one day to see if MAYBE someone donated even one dollar to your trip--and always come up with the same conclusion: nothing.  When you second, third, fourth and fifth guess the decision you were once so confident the Holy Spirit prompted you to make.  Then, you receive more and more polite-but suspiciously emotionally empty responses to the letters you slaved over to make personal that simply say: I'll be praying for you.

"I'll be praying for you" why is it that those words make me feel worse instead of making me feel better?  Maybe its because its something that I tend to say when I don't know what to say.  "You're father died? I'm sorry, I'll be praying for you."  I, like so many Christians and Non-Christians, can easily read beneath the surface of an empty comment.  I can tell when people are genuine, and so often I'm not genuine when I say something like that.  OR I am genuine and pray for them right then and there in my head, but forget about it later.  Somehow we as a Church need to be more supportive--maybe its starts with our vocabulary. BUT that is a different subject for a different time.

Anyway, the feeling that I had last summer is creeping back up in me again.  The feeling of failure--that I am unable to do this.  I looked back on a few of my blogs from last summer and I am reminded of this one. Titled: "Pouty Obedience." I likened my feelings to that of Jonah.  My thought was that Jonah was probably raising support to be a missionary when he decided to flee to Ninevah instead of following what God wanted him to do.  Its funny.  I am in a completely different season of life, and SURE that God told me that I need to be in the States for now--SURE that I am supposed to find a job, and I was once SURE that I will find one.  But Ninevah is still calling my name.  Ironically, in my twisted head, Ninevah is the mission field.  It would be easier to simply go back to Bolivia--to the familiar, and I'm sure they'd welcome me. BUT...

No, I am not raising support to go back to the mission field.  I am staying home.
No, I am not entering full-time ministry.  I am searching for a job.
No, I am not saving the world.  I am entering the American 9-5 lifestyle.
And that is ok.  I'm choosing to obey in a different way.

But now I find myself being thankful that God is stretching me even now--through this experience of the job search.  Its causing me to want to give up.  Its causing me to feel like a failure.  But in His grace, God reminded me that He raised all that money after I was feeling these same feelings one year ago.  He is reminding me that if He was able to do that, get me through a year of constant challenge, guide me every step of the way of my life--surely He is big enough to find me a job.

God is showing me that the roller coaster that is support raising is not isolated to just that. It is one that continues even after its done, even after the mission is done.  There are always going to be lows and highs of every aspect of life.  It is not simply isolated to specific areas--its continual.  That is why there is a goal to be reached at the end of it all--Basking in His eternal Glory.

When Paul wrote to the Corinthians about the sufficiency of God's grace.  He was bold enough to not only embrace the grace of God, but to BOAST in His weaknesses.  In my case, I have a whole lot to boast about.  The feeling of inadequacy continues to surface, and instead of embracing God's grace--I dwell on my weakness, and that is when the the knotted-stomach-ball-in the throat-sickness that comes when I am at the absolute lowest point of the roller coaster begins to be stronger than ever.

Well, the pit feeling isn't gone.  The feeling of failure surely isn't gone.  The pressure still remains.  But instead of wallowing, I am choosing to surrender.  He's got this.  His plan is perfect.  My weakness is His power, and its perfect. He is perfect.

But He said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you

Defeating Doubt in Transition

It has been about a month since my last post, and I have been learning to adjust back to life in the States.  Its strange when home feels foreign and when you realize that others' lives didn't pause for you to return.  This past month has been filled with playing catch up on my friends' and loved ones' lives as well as re-introducing myself to the beauty of home.

The most wonderful part of it all is that God is being ever faithful.  My biggest fear and struggle as I was preparing myself to come home was that God would "break up with me." Not in the sense that He will drop me, and no longer love me now that I am finished being a missionary, but that He will stop teaching me things and giving me parables to process throughout my life.  I fear being far from Him when I'm in a world of entitlement, freedom, and easy living.  I fear that I won't need him anymore.  But God has put that fear to rest since I have come home.  He continues to love me, to provide for me, and to remind me that I need Him every hour.

I still haven't found a teaching job for the fall, but God has provided me with a job for the rest of the summer.  I still haven't found a car, but he has blessed me with friends and family that don't mind driving me around.  He is ever faithful--until the end, and He continues to prove it.

God kind of has my life on pause right now.  The future is a big question mark, and there are certain things that need to be established before things become clearer.    Doubt is such a terrifying monster--a contagion that infects you and latches on until you kill it.  My biggest battle is against doubt as I continue on the job search.  Its just so funny that the discouraging words of others are so much easier to listen to than the words of truth and encouragement.  God's voice is so easily fuzzed by the voices of lies and deceit.  I have been challenged not to lose faith, and to continue to cling to the One in control.

I was blessed to sit through a sermon this past Sunday about this very topic. God is so good, that way.  Pastor Dave Merkh, a missionary to Brazil, talked about the Dungeon of Doubt that we all find ourselves in when we feel God is not moving at the pace we believe He should be.  He said something very profound: "Today is not rewards day.  Eternity alone will reveal the impact our life had."  I needed that rough truth.

I have so quickly re-adopted the American attitude of entitlement.  I have almost been angry with God because I can't be independent like I have been in Bolivia.  I've had doubt or second guessed my decision to return home because He hasn't been moving as quickly as I feel He should be.  I have felt that God should reward my efforts and my service by giving me what I believe I need here--a job.  But all of those doubts are lies.  God cares more about me than I do myself.  He hasn't moved because there is nothing worth moving toward yet, but I know that when He moves, He moves mountains--and usually He moves them quickly.  I just need this time of stagnance to prepare for the race that I know is coming.

As you know, I am not returning to the mission field this Fall.  Lord willing, I will be accepting a job here in the States until God sees fit for me to return the the mission field, or lead me another way.  I am so blessed and thankful for all of your support both financially and prayerfully.  I still covet your prayers as I continue this trek through the unknown valley of my path, but I will no longer be needing your financial support.

If you have been supporting me monthly, and would like to discontinue support, you must call South America Mission to cancel your support before the next payment.  I am still receiving support for the month of July to help with transition, but you should call before August's payment.

South America Mission can be contacted here: 803.802.8580

Thanks Again for your support and prayers!  
Missionaries cannot go without those who send them!

Rachel Gentry

Chasing Lions at 2AM

I'm starting this post at 2am, so bare with me.  I've been tossing and turning in my bed for a good 3 hours and I just had to start writing in order to clear my mind.  What is it that is plaguing my thoughts?

Anxiety of the unknown.  Earlier this year, I read a book that drastically changed my perspective of life: In a Pit With a Lion on a Snowy Day.  If you haven't read this book, I highly recommend it, but only if you feel like getting a severe truth-slap. You can remind yourself about my first experience reading it here. I've been looking through my old journal entries over the past year, and I came across quite a few forgotten quotes from this book that just so happen to be PERFECT quotes for my current mind-fog. 

SIDEBAR: Doesn't it simply baffle you that God can prompt you to write down a quote that He KNOWS will change your life later on in your life? You're going to second-guess your journaling now aren't you? WOAH...what an awesome God. (OK Christian-geek-out ended).


Mark Batterson wrote, "as I look back on my own life, I recognize this simple truth: The greatest opportunities were the scariest lions. Part of me has wanted to play it safe, but I’ve learned that taking no risks is the greatest risk of all."

Home is my lion.  I'm not sure why my mind chose to begin processing things at 2am, but here it is.  I have been avoiding this for quite some time.  With the need and desire to be home, I have masked my fears and anxiety with sheer excitement.  I've allowed myself to be excited to see my mom, my boyfriend, my friends, to go back to familiarity, to the church family I've missed.  

I've not allowed myself to admit that I am fearful of the future, and then all at once: BAM. Satan is attacking me with fear, with anxiety, with worry. I'm worried about not having a car, not having money, not having a clear direction. I'm worried about not finding a job, not sure what my romantic future looks like.  I'm fearful of my family situation--what have I missed, fear of not being able to catch up with the friends I so dearly love.  I just have fear.  Its so hard to admit the reality of my current situation, but my big 'ole lion is home--and its waiting to be tackled. AGAIN God used Mark's words to convict me--and really give me a little bit of peace.

Embrace relational uncertainty. It's called romance. Embrace spiritual uncertainty. It's called mystery. Embrace occupational uncertainty. It's called destiny. Embrace emotional uncertainty. It's called joy. Embrace intellectual uncertainty. It's called revelation.

Not only that, but my lion is also Bolivia.  This lion has not yet been defeated.  I have been frustrated with God, and wondering why I could possibly need this extra week here in Bolivia when I'm finished the work he has sent me here to do.  Of course, the fool that I am, God isn't finished with HIS work in me--and it just so happens that I need to be in this geographical location for Him to finish this chapter in the book of Rachel.  God is re-teaching me this important lesson--so eloquantly laid out by Mark Batterson:

God is in the business of strategically positioning us in the right place at the right time. A sense of destiny is our birthright as followers of Christ. God is awfully good at getting us where He wants us to go. But here’s the catch: The right place often seems like the wrong place, and the right time often seems like the wrong time.

This is so cool.  I feel like I'm in the wrong place at the wrong time--my mind, body, essence is in America--but NO I'm in Bolivia for 4 more days. SO--one can only assume and logically conclude that God has me right where He wants me--and I need to embrace my emotional uncertainty and allow myself to have some joyful sadness.

I'm going to miss quite a few things about Bolivia--I need to grieve those things.  I'm also NOT going to miss quite a few things about Bolivia--I need to joyfully say goodbye to those things.  I just believe that God is grabbing hold of my sentimental heart and wanting me to have sentimental moments with the people here--before I can embrace home (and the uncertainties there).

This is a very long and dramatic chapter of my life that God is ending--and from my perspective the end is being drawn out, but God has a perfect ending already planned out in his mind.  Not only that, he has an amazing plot line picked out for the next chapter.  My job is simply to allow Him to write the best protagonist I can possibly be--and tackle those lions like no one else could.

thanks for reading!

Rachel

Middle School Mind

This is a Toborochi tree--one of the beautiful pieces of Bolivia that I will miss.

I think I might write a book on this someday..if I ever decide to get a Doctorate in Psychology...(yeah right).  That aside, this is about as far as my psychological studies go: the middle school mind.

Let's begin.  Here is my theory: whenever someone is dealing with a dramatic life change or transition, that person gets what I like to call "middle-school-mind." Think about it! When was the first time of transition in your life? MIDDLE SCHOOL.  My theory is pretty much that our minds subconciously revert back to the trauma of Middle School when we reach another big place of transition.  It is just that we THINK we handle it differently, but we don't. We return to whatever trauma we dealt with in Middle School and respond exactly the same way.

Last week, my 7th Graders finished The Hobbit and their final
project was a board game

When I was in Middle School, I went through a lot of phases.  Looking back on it, I could label the entire phase-bounce with one word: awkward.  I bounced back in forth between friends: I experimented in a lot of areas to figure out my identity--the skaters, the jocks, the drama-geeks, the bandies, back to the skaters, the goth kids, and so forth. I searched and searched for a place I belonged.  It wasn't until I realized that I had too many hobbies and liked too many people to settle on and with one group of individuals.  So I celebrated each clique and was aquaintances with them all.  As I transitioned into High School, I continued the same pattern, and even into college.

I could probably count on one hand the amount of close friends I acquired over the years; because what started out as loving everyone equally--became shutting people out.  I realized quickly that friends are seasonal and the seasons were shorter than I thought.  I started walking through life alone because my only constants were myself, God, and my family.  I still have this same tendency: the belief that I am alone--something that this experience in Bolivia has, and continues to beat out of my mind--or validate, depending on the day.

THIS is why Middle School is probably the MOST VALUABLE ministry there is.  Ok that might be a blanket statement, but hear me out.  How differently would you have acted in Middle School had someone come alongside of you to help you think through your crazyness and learn how to deal with it?  When you went through that concrete thought-abstract thought transition--how awesome would it have been to have someone help you understand your own mind?  This is the reason I love Middle Schoolers.  Yes, they can be a little difficult to deal with, but aren't we all when we cannot figure out what is up or down or how to handle it.  I wish that someone would have told me and been there for me through the transition.  I wish someone would have grained the fact that relationships matter--and that I should hold on to those I love.

These 7th graders made all of Mirkwood out of Legos! :)

If you think back to your middle school experience, I'm sure that you all have incredibly loaded stories, and I'm sure you could analyze your middle school mind and see a pattern. Learning what your true identity is usually is the biggest part of it.  What is it that we are searching for again when we are going through the transition that is college?  What is my major?  How will I fit in society?  What about when we graduate from college?  Where am I going to find a job?  How will I pay these bills?  Why did I major in that?  I haven't felt the pressures of the transition into marriage and family, but I'm sure there is still some kind of middle school mind in there somewhere.

My point is this: Life is rickety security between awkward transitions.  Middle school is when we first learn how to transition.  So if we don't teach that basic life skill to the middle schoolers in our lives, we are raising citizens that will not know how to embrace transition and allow it to be something that they can look forward to.

All that to say, I currently have middle school mind.  My mind is in a million places at once: attempting to process through my year as a teacher, as a missionary, as a friend, as a colleague, as a mentor...attempting to still embrace the moments I still have in those roles, but also attempting to let go of those roles and begin to transition and prepare myself for my role-shift to the States.  I'm in the middle of an identity crisis and my awkward transitional phase is taking over my mind.

I loved how unique they were.
This group's looked like Candy Land

God has been comforting me with the passage in Ecclesiastes 3 that reminds me that this awkward stage is one of the seasons--not just an unidentifiable time between the seasons: "a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing."  God has shown me that transition is a necessary part of His plan.  The very act of Him molding and shaping us--sanctification is a constant and awkward place of transition.  Throughout His Word, he continually commands us to enjoy the work He has given us.  To "run the race" to serve one another in Love.  This is our lot in life, and He, through His grace, uses it to mold us into ones worthy of this calling.

Middle School is awkward.  Its a time where we are unsure if we are alone in our confusion or if others are in the same place.  We aren't sure if we can ask for help.  We aren't sure if people want to help.  Its a time of questions without answers that you like.  A time of searching for something invisible.  A time of identity confusion, and time where your minds turn to sponges.  We are all going through points in our lives where we have this middle school mind, and God simply wants us to embrace HIM as not only the author of the big story, but the revisor and editor and publisher of it all--including our small part in the Narrative.  We just have to get through Middle School--not just to get through, but embrace the moments by having the attitude that He is molding us as He prepares us for eternal glory.

Thanks for reading & your continual support.

Rachel

{prayer requests}

{SCCLC}

• End of the Year: kids {and teachers} get really hyper and unfocused this time of year.  Pray that they continue to love eachother and embrace the moments they have for the end of the year.
• Finals: pray for finals week (next week) that the students remember what they have studied and that the teachers are able to finish grading
• Seniors: pray for them as they hit graduation & also develop their transitional middle school minds this summer in their endeavors, whether college or not

{MSCrew}

• Pray for the kids this summer.  That they continue to grow spiritually & that they continue to lead & serve their school as the next year approached.
• Pray for the students who have disciplers that are leaving.  This is a VERY hard thing for kids to be ok with--a lot of people and not much consistency. Pray that God brings more good spiritual leaders into their lives, and that their relationships with us will continue to grow across oceans.
• PRAISE for their successful chapel time--photos to come...they did an excellent job, and I'm extremely proud of them!

{Personal}

• Transition into the States: pray that I will "laugh at the future" (Prov. 31:25) and that God will ease my anxiety about what is to come.
• I need a VEHICLE when I return to the States--pray that I will find one--and financially be able to work that out.
• I'm looking for a job for next school year.  Please pray that as I interview--the right door will be opened and the wrong ones will be closed.  Pray for patience & faith in this process as well.
• Pray for the remainder of my time here.  That I will embrace my time, and not allow myself to "worry about tomorrow."

O the Thinks You Can Think!

Caleb & Naomi setting the stage for things to come.

"O the thinks you can think" was the opening number of Seussical the Musical--the production we just put on for the last time this weekend. As I sat and watched them perform, I mouthed the words along with them and started to think.  I remember when we first were making the proposal to do this musical.  Emily was wide-eyed and excited, and I shared in her excitement with a little reservation--feeling that my skills as a musical director would not live up to Barlow-standards.  As the semester rolled on, we all got overwhelmed as things didn't go the way we planned, but God worked it all out and made it worth it.  I'm so glad we did it, and even more blessed to have been a part of it.

Putting on Seussical the Musical was extremely tiring and trying.  It isn't the first time I have been part of a major production, but it is the first time I have been a director of a major production. Wow...that brings a whole different type of exhaustion.  I'm so glad to have worked alongside of Emily Barlow, and I'm continually in awe of how graceful she is when she directs these shows.  She is an inspiration in so many ways.

My favorite shot Horton (Tayo) talking to the Who's on the dust speck

If I could say one thing, among many, that I learned throughout this production it would be that "no think is too small for God."  I can definitely say that Emily and I were worried--there were so many things that were not in our control as we persevered through the entire show.  There was just so much going on.  The kids were doing an excellent job and working super hard, but we were stressed out pretty much the entire time.

Going into opening night, though, everything just gelled into place in a way that only God could do.  Everyone performed at their absolute best, and the kids did one simple thing: they had fun.  I couldn't tell you how many moments I sat there watching them with tears in my eyes and the widest and cheesiest smile on my face.  They did it.  God did it.  He took their very best and made it even better, for His glory.  I'm so proud of them and everything they worked so hard to achieve.

Amazing Mayzie & the bird girls singing to Gertrude

As I stumbled through a tear-filled prayer on Saturday night, I admitted to myself that Seussical was the bittersweet beginning to the end of an unforgettable and incredible year here at SCCLC.  There has been blood, sweat, and tears that have all mushed together to make this one of the most life-changing experiences I have ever had, and I would do it again if I could.

The end of the musical marks the beginning of my transition out of SCCLC and back to the States.  I will be leaving on June 14th, and I won't be returning to the SCCLC.  God is clearly ending this chapter of my life, and I will be returning to the States to find a teaching job in inner-city Philadelphia.  Though I am at peace with this decision--a decision made a long time ago, it is extremely hard to say goodbyes without knowing when I will see these kids, teachers, and friends again.

The Wickershams "Monkey-ing Around"

Please be praying for me and the ones I love here as I transition out of Bolivia.  I have been in denial of it being a difficult one, but I know that a part of my heart is going to be left here--and its going to be hard to let go.  But--as I said before "no think is too small for God" and I cannot wait to see what he has in store for me in the coming years.

Thanks for your constant prayers & love,

Rachel

Here a few more photos from the weekend:

The show-stoppers during their shining moments :)

Emily & myself after it was all over!

The Full Cast & Crew :)

I'm so proud of my kids & blessed by them daily.  I'm not sure what to do with myself now that its all over! :)

Formalities

It has been quite a long time since I have blogged; it might have something to do with the busyness of these last few and upcoming weeks.  I hate to disappoint, but if you expect a long-winded blog you will be severely disappointed.  If you described my current demeanor as of now and the days that have preceded in one word it would be: exhaustion.

I believe I have been running on empty for the past few weeks, and I am definitely feeling the pressures of a first year teacher as this year is beginning to wrap up.  As a woman, I can have multiple thoughts going on in my head at once.  I believe it has been described as spaghetti brain.  My spaghetti brain is on such overload that it might boil if I don't give it a rest.

This weekend was the annual Jr/Sr Formal Banquet.  The teachers and parents were invited to attend, and I got a bunch of really fun pictures with some of my students.  You can see them below.

I LOVE these two girls.  All three of us got our dresses for the night made by a local seamstress.  She made them from a picture without a pattern!  It was a great bonding time for the three of us :)

Myself and some of my Bolivian middle school students :)

Some of my MK students :)

The Seniors for which the night was planned.  They are also the very first class I have ever taught when I was just a student teacher! :) They hold a special place in my heart :)

Myself and Iza, a Brazilian MK, I am so proud of the woman that she is becoming & how much she has grown this year!

Graciela & Noelia.  They are such sweet & beautiful girls.  I know they're going to do amazing things.

Heyli has such a cool story, and is one of the Spiritual Leaders in MSCrew with me.  I love have fun conversations with her & how she likes to be challenged & challenge others.  She reminds me a lot of myself at her age. PLUS her hair looks great (I did it for her).

Tomorrow begins Tech Week for Seussical the Musical, and I will not be home before 7pm pretty much every night this week.  Friday and Saturday are the performance days, and I didn't realize how involved this whole process would be.  I have been learning so much about the pressures and art involved in successfully pulling off a production, and we all could really use prayers this week as everything starts to come together.

There are only 3 weeks left of classes, then Finals & I have one week to pack up my classroom and my belongings before I head home.  Things are starting to wind down, and transition is when I start to get Middle School mind, so I'd appreciate prayers for that as well.

Thanks for your constant support & prayers,

Rachel

Breathing Emptyness

I have asthma.  When you have asthma its like you are breathing emptyness.  Like you are putting forth all of this work but nothing really gets through.  Your lungs don't fill with oxygen no matter how hard or deep you breathe, nothing works.  The air is blocked until you reach for an inhaler that clears the passage.  I can't even describe the feeling that comes once the Albuterol medicine passes through my esophogus.  Its like freedom.  Like I'm able to breathe again.  Like I'm no longer breathing emptyness.

Lately I have felt like a fish out of water.  I have felt less and less equipped to finish this journey that God has set into motion here in Bolivia.  Like I'm stuck and putting forth the effort, but not really doing it successfully.  Like nothing I do or try to do is running the machine.  I'm suffocating.  I have been existing with a half-here mind.  Its not like I am not trying to do well.  Its not like I'm not fulfilling my expectations, but I'm not here.  I'm not in Bolivia--in my mind.

This past weekend, a group of about 20 students went to the plaza to share their testimonies with strangers.  God used them in mighty mighty ways, and they were overjoyed and fired up about the experience. If I gave you a list of the Spiritual gifts I posses that list would not include evangelism.  That fact paired with my broken Spanish could tell you how comfortable I was on this adventure throughout the plaza.  How encouraging it was, though, to be able to witness the movement of the Holy Spirit in these kids.  They were energized by their conversations and I watched their faces light up as they shared their stories.  I watched them praying over the broken people they were talking to, and I got to capture their excitement in some of the photos.

All of these kids were scared, but they were given boldness to share the truth of the Word which turned into an excitement and a viral joy.  The plaza was changed on Saturday morning, and we were the movers and shakers that made that change.  Some of these kids are normally timid and fearful of the people that surround them and love them daily.  All of them were out of their comfort zones, but lives were changed because they obeyed--and they were relying on God to get them through.

Through this experience and others this week, God has shown me quite a few things about my heart.  One very important one: it doesn't beat without my Creator.  No matter how hard I try, I cannot breathe on my own.  Without the breath of the Holy Spirit, this relationship that I am in with the Creator of the Universe does not work.  Without Christ: the Albuterol of it all, I cannot function or expect to do His work--whether my intentions are pure or not.  God is showing me that I need Him now more than ever.  I am an asthmatic in the middle of an asthma attack, and I need my Savior.

The next few weeks are ones that are filled with draining days, long hours, and lots of work.  We have almost no days off until the end of the school year, and lots and lots of things to get done.  This is a time when the enemy likes to seek and destroy.  I would like you to join me in praying for the SCCLC: both teachers and students.  Pray that we stay strong, and finish well.  Pray for those teachers like myself that are leaving this year, that we will be able to transition gracefully back to the States.  Pray for the Seniors and their end-of-the-year decisions.  Pray for strength for today and bright hopes for tomorrow, and that we will continue to choose joy throughout the remainder of the year.

Thanks for you continued prayers & support.

Rachel

My Ice Cream Puddle

What is your favorite flavor of ice cream? Cup or cone? Sprinkles?  Cookie crumbs?  Dipped in chocolate?  What is the combination that just makes your mouth water when you order it from the Drive-in--the one you always order?  For me its simple: soft-serve vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles in a waffle cone.  Yum.  

Well imagine ordering it--with a perfect triple-swirl and the sprinkles of every color covering every surface of frigid ice cream that patiently sits on the fresh waffle cone waiting to be devoured.  Mouth watering?  Well now imagine tripping over a rock and watching, in slow motion, that perfect ice cream cone crashing to the ground and immediately becoming a swirling and melting rainbow puddle.  Now imagine a small dog coming up and licking that puddle.  To add a little irony to this unfortunate insult, add some pouring down rain.

That was my week.

I was born a natural pessimist.  Can you tell?  I simply enjoy wallowing in the negative aspects of life.  This skill raised to an artform throughout my teen years when I, like most teens in the world, was convinced that my parents and everyone else in the world, who couldn't possibly understand what I was going through, had one goal: to ruin my life.  I remember countless arguments with my parents over the silliest things that seemed to be the most important things in the world at the time--its funny that I don't remember any of the actual topics of the arguments, just that they took place.

As I have slowly grown in maturity, those optimists that I once loathed, because they ruined my pity parties and made me feel this size of a bean whenever I would wallow in the negative, became intriguing to me.  You know the people I'm talking about: the ones who could find sunbeams during a thunderstorm, or could find something positive to say about a tone-deaf person singing an Aretha Franklin song, or could be excited for the dog who gets to lick their just-spilled-not-yet-eaten puddle of ice cream with sprinkles off the ground.  Those people are so amazing to me--when I WANT to climb on board of their happy train.  When I don't feel so positive, I want to ring there necks with their sunbeams and compliments, scoop up the ice cream puddle and throw it their face.

Over time, though, I have seen that optimism is such an attractive quality to have.  Biblically the word is joy.  As an English teacher, I like to find synonyms for simple words.  My favorite is "rapture" to be "in rapture" would be to have overwhelming felicity or pleasure.  I don't think that dictionary.com does a great job of defining the word joy, though, because the first word was "happiness."  The Oxford English dictionary does a better job by defining it as "a vivid emotion of pleasure arising from a sense of well-being or satisfaction; the feeling or state of being highly pleased or delighted."

Joy is the second fruit of the spirit mentioned in Galatians 5, preceeded solely by love.  John Mayer says "love is a verb" theology that I definitely agree with, and I'd like to argue maybe that joy is a verb as well.  James 1 says "consider it pure joy to face trials of many kinds."  That means joy is an action--its a choice.  To be joyous, one must be in complete contentment and confidence that her needs are met--whether they want to or not.  Its a concious state of mind that takes work--even for optimists.

As a pessimist, the state of being joyful is not something that happens with ease.  Its hard work for me.  I have to conciously remind myself of my identity in Christ, of what side I am on, and of my expectations and purposes.  Sometimes it comes much easier that other times.  When I find myself in a state of prosperity, I can be thankful for a whole lot of things.  But catch me in a moment of adversity and forget it. I wallow.  I'm such a selfish sinner.  When God finds it in His pleasure and will to bless me--its really easy to look at the positive sides of things and have the shallow ice-cream-with-sprinkles-on-it joy, but when that ice cream with sprinkles falls off the cone and crashes on the ground, its really hard to think of something to be thankful for.

This was an ice-cream-on-the-ground kind of week and all I wanted to do was kick the dog.  It was a challenge to find the positive things throughout my week.  My mind has been in the US for the past month, and I have been counting down the days until my flight (70 days).  Every time something would go wrong this week, I'd just repeat the amount of days I have left in my mind which left me even more depressed because I just wanted to go home.  I tried so hard to find blessings of this week that I conciously had to sit down and write them in my journal.

He managed to help me think of an abundance (more than 40) of blessings that I have in my life right now.  In this season--not just things to look forward to in the next.  He brought me a type of contentment that I haven't had in a long time, and for that I am overwhelmingly blessed.  The week that started with the Hope of the Resurrection is what made me see that He is a Just God of grace--the greatest contradiction known to man, and I am privileged to know him.

Here are some of the blessings I wrote about this week:

Parsons, Bennets, Reeds, and Smith families to share Easter dinner with when mine is far away (picture below)

Disney movies that are perfect watch while grading mountains of papers (picture below)

Music that plants itself in my head giving me a soundtrack to life (though annoying its better than silence)

Rain & cool enough weather to wear scarves and long sleeves (!!!!)

Coke and Popcorn (the website with free viewing of US tv shows)

Overseeing detention with kids who decided they wanted to discuss the Bible

THE PHILLIES!!! (opening day was yesterday...can't wait for summer games)

When toddlers run to me with their arms stretched out (best moment ever)

Being able to cook for other people..perhaps my favorite act of worship (picture below)

Fireworks to ring in the Resurrection of Christ...ask me for a video of the sunrise service

A new yellow dress and the seamstress who made it for me..and the low cost for it to be done :)

When my students actually quote things I say back to me and I realize they actually listen (BIG deal)

Birthdays!! Two of my students and a fellow missionary had birthday parties today...lots of fun!!

Godly conversations with other single women here in Bolivia.

Dave's ability to patiently listen to my venting fits and still respond in wisdom and love.

That moment when a student applies something we are learning in class OUTSIDE of class!!! :)

the Psalms...reading a Psalm a day forces me to praise God :)

TERRIBLE jokes that still make me laugh

Embracing one of my 8th graders right after she made a decision to follow Christ (BEST MOMENT)

Photos like the ones below:

These are all missionary kids that I have babysat, discipled, taught, or ministered to throughout this year.  They are my out-of-school ministry, and I love them all dearly.  We took these pictures after Easter dinner.

These are my seventh graders on theme-day.  Our theme was Disney characters.  I got a little bit into it.

I baked this pizza last night and shared it with a couple neighbors.  It was a pick-me-up ending to a hard week.

As God has challenged me this week, I hope he challenges you to look for those blessings in your life that you are just NOT entitled to.  I pray that you choose joy this week as you are in the thick of life and tempted to kick the dog eating your puddle of ice cream.

Thanks for your prayers and support!  You are all a huge blessing in my life...what are some blessings you have experienced this week that you might want to share as a COMMENT below?

--

Rachel

The Chase of the Blue Butterfly

A few teachers and I decided to escape Santa Cruz a couple weekends ago and take a short trip up to Samaipata.  Our friend, Kaitlyn, hadn't been yet, and we were all in the mood to get away, so we embraced spontanaity, and escaped normalcy.

almost got a glimpse

During our trip we went to visit Las Cuevas (local waterfalls), all of us had been there except for Kaitlyn, so it was extremely familiar.  (click here for pictures from my previous visit), but this time, we saw a what seemed like a million butterflies.  They were everywhere.  I was able to snap quite a few photos of different types of butterflies, but we could not get a photo of the blue butterfly that all of us found incredibly beautiful.  But it was also the most excited of the butterflies--meaning it just wouldn't stay still long enough for us to get a good photo.  So, I prayed about it, thinking WHY NOT?  I'm sure God would get the butterfly still enough to take a picture.

Still chasing that butterfly!

Well, we chased that blue butterfly all over those mountains, and at some points we swore that it was following us, but no photo.  By the end of our trip when we all had given up hope.  That blue butterfly was just as tired as we were, because it simply perched on a branch just in time for us to shoot a perfect picture. Then he fluttered away, never to be seen again.

This experience reminded me of the story in 2 Kings 6 of Elisha and the axe head.  One of Elisha's men borrowed an axe, and foolishly swung it hard enough for it to sink down to the bottom of the river.  He had a minor freakout and Elisha came to the rescue.  Elisha had faith enough in God to trust Him to restore the axe head to his man, and threw a stick into the water.  The axe head then floated to the surface and all was happy.  This is such a ridiculous story that is a simple picture of trusting God in the little things. Right after this little seemingly insignificant story happened, the contrast of God blinding all of Samaria so they could be sieged and conquered occured.  I'm not sure which of the two stories is a better example of God's power.

There are countless and continual instances when the prayers we have seem too small or too unnecessary for God to care to do anything about them.  But that is not how this God we serve runs things.  No matter how small or insignificant we think the little prayers we have are, He cares about the details of our lives.  Not only that, he doesn't allow himself to be distracted by the little things.  It all fits into His big plan.

in the middle of our picture we thought we saw the butterfly

Today, in reverence, we remember the cross.  The large action that He took for our lives.  But this large action is nothing without the details.  Have you ever stopped and looked at the teeny tiny details of His crucifixcion?  I cannot do it without welling up in tears, but every single stripe on His back was planned.  The drips of blood from his brow? Planned.  The spear in his side, the meaningful words He uttered, the convicted hearts on that day, the time of day, the way in which he was killed?  Planned.

True joy is when we are confident that He is involved in the details of our lives and comforted that the details are necessary to fill the big picture.  The master of the Universe, the God who could kill me in an instant but chose to send His son to die in my place cares enough to bless me with a detail.  If things made sense He would only be transcendant and not accessible, but He is and always will be.  The unexplainable combination of extremes: the big things and the little things--should cause us to crumble in Fear and awe and wonder.

 

I'm more than positive that on the scale of importance, our blue butterfly ranked lower than even the axe head in the Jordan River, and that is not saying much.  Despite all of that, I know that God appreciated our desire to enjoy God's creation, and amongst the chase we did.  He showed us beautiful waterfalls that overwhelmed us, he gave us moments of solitude, and lots of time to fellowship together & bond.

Moral of the story: no prayer is too small for God to answer or too insignificant for Him to care.

Here are some more photos from our time up in Samaipata:

A picture to make my mom squeal in fear :)

All four of us in the doorway of our house!

Walking over one of the bridges along the road :)

{prayer requests}

• SCCLC Teaching
• Praise God for another quarter finishing, there is one quarter left, and we are in the home stretch!
• Pray for the students as the year is starting to wind down.  Pray that they stay focused and that those whose grades are low bring their grades up, and that they are also looking toward God for their approval.
• Pray for me as this year is starting to come to a close.  Pray that I don't check out, but make every single day count for something.  Pray that I am still focusing on my purpose here, and to allow my mind to be HERE and not at home.
• Pray for the school, next year, many teachers are leaving, which leaves a lot of holes in the staff and faculty.  The biggest hole, being in the English department.  Pray that recruiting happens and hearts are seeking opportunities here.
• Seussical the Musical: 
• I have been asked to be in charge of the soloist and ensemble in the musical at the SCCLC this Spring.  I'm fighting a whole bunch of feelings of inadequacy, and I could use prayer for God to show up in me and through me as I lead the kids in the musical.
• Pray for Emily Barlow as she is directing the whole show and is going to need a lot of guidance from God through the entire quarter.
• Pray also for the adults that are playing (and still deciding to play) in the orchestra.  Pray that they are willing to practice and serve in this unique way.
• MSCrew
• Praise God A new student just applied and was accepted into MSCrew: Veronica! She is a recent believer, but she is a firecracker with a lot of potential.  Pray that she will continue to grow closer and closer to God, and that MSCrew will be part of that growth.
• Pray that I actually wake up on Thursday mornings, and I am ready to lead my kids, but I allow them to lead as well.
• Pray for the kids in MSCrew: Grace, Shekinah, Benji, Luke, Lucas, Veronica, and Heyli.  I'm really impressed and excited that they are committing to be leaders at the SCCLC.
• They have committed to leading an Elementary Chapel next month, pray as they prepare to serve the Elementary students in this fun and exciting way
• Discipleship
• PRAISE God that I have started to be mentored by co-missionary and dear friend, Johanna.  This is a HUGE answer to prayer, and I am anxious to see how God uses myself in her life, and how we build eachother up in the Lord.
• Pray for her as she listens, and guides me in my struggles, but also for me that I am honoring God through our conversations--and that I am able to be transparent: something that is a struggle and challenge for me.
• Pray for the single ladies Bible study she has just started within our mission.  We are meeting on Thursdays and Saturdays throughout the month.  Pray for Johanna as she leads.