Defeating Doubt in Transition

It has been about a month since my last post, and I have been learning to adjust back to life in the States.  Its strange when home feels foreign and when you realize that others' lives didn't pause for you to return.  This past month has been filled with playing catch up on my friends' and loved ones' lives as well as re-introducing myself to the beauty of home.

The most wonderful part of it all is that God is being ever faithful.  My biggest fear and struggle as I was preparing myself to come home was that God would "break up with me." Not in the sense that He will drop me, and no longer love me now that I am finished being a missionary, but that He will stop teaching me things and giving me parables to process throughout my life.  I fear being far from Him when I'm in a world of entitlement, freedom, and easy living.  I fear that I won't need him anymore.  But God has put that fear to rest since I have come home.  He continues to love me, to provide for me, and to remind me that I need Him every hour.

I still haven't found a teaching job for the fall, but God has provided me with a job for the rest of the summer.  I still haven't found a car, but he has blessed me with friends and family that don't mind driving me around.  He is ever faithful--until the end, and He continues to prove it.

God kind of has my life on pause right now.  The future is a big question mark, and there are certain things that need to be established before things become clearer.    Doubt is such a terrifying monster--a contagion that infects you and latches on until you kill it.  My biggest battle is against doubt as I continue on the job search.  Its just so funny that the discouraging words of others are so much easier to listen to than the words of truth and encouragement.  God's voice is so easily fuzzed by the voices of lies and deceit.  I have been challenged not to lose faith, and to continue to cling to the One in control.

I was blessed to sit through a sermon this past Sunday about this very topic. God is so good, that way.  Pastor Dave Merkh, a missionary to Brazil, talked about the Dungeon of Doubt that we all find ourselves in when we feel God is not moving at the pace we believe He should be.  He said something very profound: "Today is not rewards day.  Eternity alone will reveal the impact our life had."  I needed that rough truth.

I have so quickly re-adopted the American attitude of entitlement.  I have almost been angry with God because I can't be independent like I have been in Bolivia.  I've had doubt or second guessed my decision to return home because He hasn't been moving as quickly as I feel He should be.  I have felt that God should reward my efforts and my service by giving me what I believe I need here--a job.  But all of those doubts are lies.  God cares more about me than I do myself.  He hasn't moved because there is nothing worth moving toward yet, but I know that when He moves, He moves mountains--and usually He moves them quickly.  I just need this time of stagnance to prepare for the race that I know is coming.

As you know, I am not returning to the mission field this Fall.  Lord willing, I will be accepting a job here in the States until God sees fit for me to return the the mission field, or lead me another way.  I am so blessed and thankful for all of your support both financially and prayerfully.  I still covet your prayers as I continue this trek through the unknown valley of my path, but I will no longer be needing your financial support.

If you have been supporting me monthly, and would like to discontinue support, you must call South America Mission to cancel your support before the next payment.  I am still receiving support for the month of July to help with transition, but you should call before August's payment.

South America Mission can be contacted here: 803.802.8580

Thanks Again for your support and prayers!  
Missionaries cannot go without those who send them!

Rachel Gentry