Defeating Doubt in Transition

It has been about a month since my last post, and I have been learning to adjust back to life in the States.  Its strange when home feels foreign and when you realize that others' lives didn't pause for you to return.  This past month has been filled with playing catch up on my friends' and loved ones' lives as well as re-introducing myself to the beauty of home.

The most wonderful part of it all is that God is being ever faithful.  My biggest fear and struggle as I was preparing myself to come home was that God would "break up with me." Not in the sense that He will drop me, and no longer love me now that I am finished being a missionary, but that He will stop teaching me things and giving me parables to process throughout my life.  I fear being far from Him when I'm in a world of entitlement, freedom, and easy living.  I fear that I won't need him anymore.  But God has put that fear to rest since I have come home.  He continues to love me, to provide for me, and to remind me that I need Him every hour.

I still haven't found a teaching job for the fall, but God has provided me with a job for the rest of the summer.  I still haven't found a car, but he has blessed me with friends and family that don't mind driving me around.  He is ever faithful--until the end, and He continues to prove it.

God kind of has my life on pause right now.  The future is a big question mark, and there are certain things that need to be established before things become clearer.    Doubt is such a terrifying monster--a contagion that infects you and latches on until you kill it.  My biggest battle is against doubt as I continue on the job search.  Its just so funny that the discouraging words of others are so much easier to listen to than the words of truth and encouragement.  God's voice is so easily fuzzed by the voices of lies and deceit.  I have been challenged not to lose faith, and to continue to cling to the One in control.

I was blessed to sit through a sermon this past Sunday about this very topic. God is so good, that way.  Pastor Dave Merkh, a missionary to Brazil, talked about the Dungeon of Doubt that we all find ourselves in when we feel God is not moving at the pace we believe He should be.  He said something very profound: "Today is not rewards day.  Eternity alone will reveal the impact our life had."  I needed that rough truth.

I have so quickly re-adopted the American attitude of entitlement.  I have almost been angry with God because I can't be independent like I have been in Bolivia.  I've had doubt or second guessed my decision to return home because He hasn't been moving as quickly as I feel He should be.  I have felt that God should reward my efforts and my service by giving me what I believe I need here--a job.  But all of those doubts are lies.  God cares more about me than I do myself.  He hasn't moved because there is nothing worth moving toward yet, but I know that when He moves, He moves mountains--and usually He moves them quickly.  I just need this time of stagnance to prepare for the race that I know is coming.

As you know, I am not returning to the mission field this Fall.  Lord willing, I will be accepting a job here in the States until God sees fit for me to return the the mission field, or lead me another way.  I am so blessed and thankful for all of your support both financially and prayerfully.  I still covet your prayers as I continue this trek through the unknown valley of my path, but I will no longer be needing your financial support.

If you have been supporting me monthly, and would like to discontinue support, you must call South America Mission to cancel your support before the next payment.  I am still receiving support for the month of July to help with transition, but you should call before August's payment.

South America Mission can be contacted here: 803.802.8580

Thanks Again for your support and prayers!  
Missionaries cannot go without those who send them!

Rachel Gentry

Chasing Lions at 2AM

I'm starting this post at 2am, so bare with me.  I've been tossing and turning in my bed for a good 3 hours and I just had to start writing in order to clear my mind.  What is it that is plaguing my thoughts?

Anxiety of the unknown.  Earlier this year, I read a book that drastically changed my perspective of life: In a Pit With a Lion on a Snowy Day.  If you haven't read this book, I highly recommend it, but only if you feel like getting a severe truth-slap. You can remind yourself about my first experience reading it here. I've been looking through my old journal entries over the past year, and I came across quite a few forgotten quotes from this book that just so happen to be PERFECT quotes for my current mind-fog. 

SIDEBAR: Doesn't it simply baffle you that God can prompt you to write down a quote that He KNOWS will change your life later on in your life? You're going to second-guess your journaling now aren't you? WOAH...what an awesome God. (OK Christian-geek-out ended).


Mark Batterson wrote, "as I look back on my own life, I recognize this simple truth: The greatest opportunities were the scariest lions. Part of me has wanted to play it safe, but I’ve learned that taking no risks is the greatest risk of all."

Home is my lion.  I'm not sure why my mind chose to begin processing things at 2am, but here it is.  I have been avoiding this for quite some time.  With the need and desire to be home, I have masked my fears and anxiety with sheer excitement.  I've allowed myself to be excited to see my mom, my boyfriend, my friends, to go back to familiarity, to the church family I've missed.  

I've not allowed myself to admit that I am fearful of the future, and then all at once: BAM. Satan is attacking me with fear, with anxiety, with worry. I'm worried about not having a car, not having money, not having a clear direction. I'm worried about not finding a job, not sure what my romantic future looks like.  I'm fearful of my family situation--what have I missed, fear of not being able to catch up with the friends I so dearly love.  I just have fear.  Its so hard to admit the reality of my current situation, but my big 'ole lion is home--and its waiting to be tackled. AGAIN God used Mark's words to convict me--and really give me a little bit of peace.

Embrace relational uncertainty. It's called romance. Embrace spiritual uncertainty. It's called mystery. Embrace occupational uncertainty. It's called destiny. Embrace emotional uncertainty. It's called joy. Embrace intellectual uncertainty. It's called revelation.

Not only that, but my lion is also Bolivia.  This lion has not yet been defeated.  I have been frustrated with God, and wondering why I could possibly need this extra week here in Bolivia when I'm finished the work he has sent me here to do.  Of course, the fool that I am, God isn't finished with HIS work in me--and it just so happens that I need to be in this geographical location for Him to finish this chapter in the book of Rachel.  God is re-teaching me this important lesson--so eloquantly laid out by Mark Batterson:

God is in the business of strategically positioning us in the right place at the right time. A sense of destiny is our birthright as followers of Christ. God is awfully good at getting us where He wants us to go. But here’s the catch: The right place often seems like the wrong place, and the right time often seems like the wrong time.

This is so cool.  I feel like I'm in the wrong place at the wrong time--my mind, body, essence is in America--but NO I'm in Bolivia for 4 more days. SO--one can only assume and logically conclude that God has me right where He wants me--and I need to embrace my emotional uncertainty and allow myself to have some joyful sadness.

I'm going to miss quite a few things about Bolivia--I need to grieve those things.  I'm also NOT going to miss quite a few things about Bolivia--I need to joyfully say goodbye to those things.  I just believe that God is grabbing hold of my sentimental heart and wanting me to have sentimental moments with the people here--before I can embrace home (and the uncertainties there).

This is a very long and dramatic chapter of my life that God is ending--and from my perspective the end is being drawn out, but God has a perfect ending already planned out in his mind.  Not only that, he has an amazing plot line picked out for the next chapter.  My job is simply to allow Him to write the best protagonist I can possibly be--and tackle those lions like no one else could.

thanks for reading!

Rachel