Chasing Lions at 2AM

I'm starting this post at 2am, so bare with me.  I've been tossing and turning in my bed for a good 3 hours and I just had to start writing in order to clear my mind.  What is it that is plaguing my thoughts?

Anxiety of the unknown.  Earlier this year, I read a book that drastically changed my perspective of life: In a Pit With a Lion on a Snowy Day.  If you haven't read this book, I highly recommend it, but only if you feel like getting a severe truth-slap. You can remind yourself about my first experience reading it here. I've been looking through my old journal entries over the past year, and I came across quite a few forgotten quotes from this book that just so happen to be PERFECT quotes for my current mind-fog. 

SIDEBAR: Doesn't it simply baffle you that God can prompt you to write down a quote that He KNOWS will change your life later on in your life? You're going to second-guess your journaling now aren't you? WOAH...what an awesome God. (OK Christian-geek-out ended).


Mark Batterson wrote, "as I look back on my own life, I recognize this simple truth: The greatest opportunities were the scariest lions. Part of me has wanted to play it safe, but I’ve learned that taking no risks is the greatest risk of all."

Home is my lion.  I'm not sure why my mind chose to begin processing things at 2am, but here it is.  I have been avoiding this for quite some time.  With the need and desire to be home, I have masked my fears and anxiety with sheer excitement.  I've allowed myself to be excited to see my mom, my boyfriend, my friends, to go back to familiarity, to the church family I've missed.  

I've not allowed myself to admit that I am fearful of the future, and then all at once: BAM. Satan is attacking me with fear, with anxiety, with worry. I'm worried about not having a car, not having money, not having a clear direction. I'm worried about not finding a job, not sure what my romantic future looks like.  I'm fearful of my family situation--what have I missed, fear of not being able to catch up with the friends I so dearly love.  I just have fear.  Its so hard to admit the reality of my current situation, but my big 'ole lion is home--and its waiting to be tackled. AGAIN God used Mark's words to convict me--and really give me a little bit of peace.

Embrace relational uncertainty. It's called romance. Embrace spiritual uncertainty. It's called mystery. Embrace occupational uncertainty. It's called destiny. Embrace emotional uncertainty. It's called joy. Embrace intellectual uncertainty. It's called revelation.

Not only that, but my lion is also Bolivia.  This lion has not yet been defeated.  I have been frustrated with God, and wondering why I could possibly need this extra week here in Bolivia when I'm finished the work he has sent me here to do.  Of course, the fool that I am, God isn't finished with HIS work in me--and it just so happens that I need to be in this geographical location for Him to finish this chapter in the book of Rachel.  God is re-teaching me this important lesson--so eloquantly laid out by Mark Batterson:

God is in the business of strategically positioning us in the right place at the right time. A sense of destiny is our birthright as followers of Christ. God is awfully good at getting us where He wants us to go. But here’s the catch: The right place often seems like the wrong place, and the right time often seems like the wrong time.

This is so cool.  I feel like I'm in the wrong place at the wrong time--my mind, body, essence is in America--but NO I'm in Bolivia for 4 more days. SO--one can only assume and logically conclude that God has me right where He wants me--and I need to embrace my emotional uncertainty and allow myself to have some joyful sadness.

I'm going to miss quite a few things about Bolivia--I need to grieve those things.  I'm also NOT going to miss quite a few things about Bolivia--I need to joyfully say goodbye to those things.  I just believe that God is grabbing hold of my sentimental heart and wanting me to have sentimental moments with the people here--before I can embrace home (and the uncertainties there).

This is a very long and dramatic chapter of my life that God is ending--and from my perspective the end is being drawn out, but God has a perfect ending already planned out in his mind.  Not only that, he has an amazing plot line picked out for the next chapter.  My job is simply to allow Him to write the best protagonist I can possibly be--and tackle those lions like no one else could.

thanks for reading!

Rachel

The Chase of the Blue Butterfly

A few teachers and I decided to escape Santa Cruz a couple weekends ago and take a short trip up to Samaipata.  Our friend, Kaitlyn, hadn't been yet, and we were all in the mood to get away, so we embraced spontanaity, and escaped normalcy.

almost got a glimpse

During our trip we went to visit Las Cuevas (local waterfalls), all of us had been there except for Kaitlyn, so it was extremely familiar.  (click here for pictures from my previous visit), but this time, we saw a what seemed like a million butterflies.  They were everywhere.  I was able to snap quite a few photos of different types of butterflies, but we could not get a photo of the blue butterfly that all of us found incredibly beautiful.  But it was also the most excited of the butterflies--meaning it just wouldn't stay still long enough for us to get a good photo.  So, I prayed about it, thinking WHY NOT?  I'm sure God would get the butterfly still enough to take a picture.

Still chasing that butterfly!

Well, we chased that blue butterfly all over those mountains, and at some points we swore that it was following us, but no photo.  By the end of our trip when we all had given up hope.  That blue butterfly was just as tired as we were, because it simply perched on a branch just in time for us to shoot a perfect picture. Then he fluttered away, never to be seen again.

This experience reminded me of the story in 2 Kings 6 of Elisha and the axe head.  One of Elisha's men borrowed an axe, and foolishly swung it hard enough for it to sink down to the bottom of the river.  He had a minor freakout and Elisha came to the rescue.  Elisha had faith enough in God to trust Him to restore the axe head to his man, and threw a stick into the water.  The axe head then floated to the surface and all was happy.  This is such a ridiculous story that is a simple picture of trusting God in the little things. Right after this little seemingly insignificant story happened, the contrast of God blinding all of Samaria so they could be sieged and conquered occured.  I'm not sure which of the two stories is a better example of God's power.

There are countless and continual instances when the prayers we have seem too small or too unnecessary for God to care to do anything about them.  But that is not how this God we serve runs things.  No matter how small or insignificant we think the little prayers we have are, He cares about the details of our lives.  Not only that, he doesn't allow himself to be distracted by the little things.  It all fits into His big plan.

in the middle of our picture we thought we saw the butterfly

Today, in reverence, we remember the cross.  The large action that He took for our lives.  But this large action is nothing without the details.  Have you ever stopped and looked at the teeny tiny details of His crucifixcion?  I cannot do it without welling up in tears, but every single stripe on His back was planned.  The drips of blood from his brow? Planned.  The spear in his side, the meaningful words He uttered, the convicted hearts on that day, the time of day, the way in which he was killed?  Planned.

True joy is when we are confident that He is involved in the details of our lives and comforted that the details are necessary to fill the big picture.  The master of the Universe, the God who could kill me in an instant but chose to send His son to die in my place cares enough to bless me with a detail.  If things made sense He would only be transcendant and not accessible, but He is and always will be.  The unexplainable combination of extremes: the big things and the little things--should cause us to crumble in Fear and awe and wonder.

 

I'm more than positive that on the scale of importance, our blue butterfly ranked lower than even the axe head in the Jordan River, and that is not saying much.  Despite all of that, I know that God appreciated our desire to enjoy God's creation, and amongst the chase we did.  He showed us beautiful waterfalls that overwhelmed us, he gave us moments of solitude, and lots of time to fellowship together & bond.

Moral of the story: no prayer is too small for God to answer or too insignificant for Him to care.

Here are some more photos from our time up in Samaipata:

A picture to make my mom squeal in fear :)

All four of us in the doorway of our house!

Walking over one of the bridges along the road :)

{prayer requests}

• SCCLC Teaching
• Praise God for another quarter finishing, there is one quarter left, and we are in the home stretch!
• Pray for the students as the year is starting to wind down.  Pray that they stay focused and that those whose grades are low bring their grades up, and that they are also looking toward God for their approval.
• Pray for me as this year is starting to come to a close.  Pray that I don't check out, but make every single day count for something.  Pray that I am still focusing on my purpose here, and to allow my mind to be HERE and not at home.
• Pray for the school, next year, many teachers are leaving, which leaves a lot of holes in the staff and faculty.  The biggest hole, being in the English department.  Pray that recruiting happens and hearts are seeking opportunities here.
• Seussical the Musical: 
• I have been asked to be in charge of the soloist and ensemble in the musical at the SCCLC this Spring.  I'm fighting a whole bunch of feelings of inadequacy, and I could use prayer for God to show up in me and through me as I lead the kids in the musical.
• Pray for Emily Barlow as she is directing the whole show and is going to need a lot of guidance from God through the entire quarter.
• Pray also for the adults that are playing (and still deciding to play) in the orchestra.  Pray that they are willing to practice and serve in this unique way.
• MSCrew
• Praise God A new student just applied and was accepted into MSCrew: Veronica! She is a recent believer, but she is a firecracker with a lot of potential.  Pray that she will continue to grow closer and closer to God, and that MSCrew will be part of that growth.
• Pray that I actually wake up on Thursday mornings, and I am ready to lead my kids, but I allow them to lead as well.
• Pray for the kids in MSCrew: Grace, Shekinah, Benji, Luke, Lucas, Veronica, and Heyli.  I'm really impressed and excited that they are committing to be leaders at the SCCLC.
• They have committed to leading an Elementary Chapel next month, pray as they prepare to serve the Elementary students in this fun and exciting way
• Discipleship
• PRAISE God that I have started to be mentored by co-missionary and dear friend, Johanna.  This is a HUGE answer to prayer, and I am anxious to see how God uses myself in her life, and how we build eachother up in the Lord.
• Pray for her as she listens, and guides me in my struggles, but also for me that I am honoring God through our conversations--and that I am able to be transparent: something that is a struggle and challenge for me.
• Pray for the single ladies Bible study she has just started within our mission.  We are meeting on Thursdays and Saturdays throughout the month.  Pray for Johanna as she leads.

Beyond the Classroom

As I start to see that this year is in the down slope, I'm thrilled to see that God has used my students to teach me lessons probably more than I actually teach them anything.  I figured I'd list and explain some of these lessons that I learned from the past couple weeks.

I am not needed.
As you know I have been leading the Middle School Crew.  We have been meeting before school every Thursday morning, and I've been really excited to be privileged to work with them and lead the Middle School.  I have been so excited that I have felt an extra responsibility and pressure to be sure that I am everything a Spiritual Leader should be: reliable, a good listener, a faithful servant, etc. etc.
Well this last Thursday, I slept through my alarm and didn't make it to our morning meeting.  I woke up thinking and whispering in superlatives (not one of my finer moments in life), and I was so disappointed in myself assuming that they were going to be so upset with me, and wouldn't bee able to function without me.
How PRIDEFUL! I apologized to all of them individually, and they all said something along the lines of "it's ok miss, we read the Bible on our own and shared our favorite verses.  We also came up with a theme for the Elementary chapel we are going to do this semester.  Then we prayed for the week and talked about life."
How awesome is it that a bunch of 12 and 13 year old kids don't need a teacher to tell them what or how to be good leaders?  I'm so proud of them, and so humbled to know that I am not needed for the Holy Spirit to do awe-inspiring and wonderful things in His children.

My MSCrew kids!  Lucas, Grace, Aram, Benji, Heyli, Shekinah, and Luke

I am not perfect.
I have one student that tends to correct me every single time I am wrong.  I laugh almost every time and remind her that no one is perfect.  I think she will become an amazing teacher one day.  But she is one of the students that God uses to teach me that I can never be good enough on my own.  I cannot do the teaching thing alone, and I need to constantly be trusting God to get me through.

I am not favored.
I had an amazing conversation with another teacher, and Mom of one of my students. This whole year I had the feeling she had been avoiding me, and I didn't understand why.  I got the strange feeling that she didn't like me, and I was puzzled as to what I had done to offend her.
It turns out that she was one of the parents that wasn't happy with my returning to the SCCLC.  I was inimidated by her from the beginning, but I have always loved having her child in my class.  Long story, short, she told me that her daughter really loves my class and that she appreciates what I have been doing this year.  She told me she wasn't happy with me being here and didn't think that her daughter would be learning in my class at all, but she was really impressed with me and RESPECTS me as a teacher.
Though I do not do what I do in order to be praised, it was really humbling and nice to be on the receiving end of some praise.  It was nice to be told by a seasoned teacher that I am doing a good job, and that she is thankful for me.  All because of her daughter sharing with her mom about my class.  It was nice to be appreciated by someone who does not favor me.

I am loved.
I caught one of my students making fun of me in an extremely cruel way during one of my classes.  Because of my lack of experience in this, I just ignored it and kept on teaching, though I was distracted.
I was so surprised at how this little act of teenage cruelty would affect my day so much.  After a good cry, I approached the student toward the end of the day, and I made it known that teachers have feelings too, and that he should think about that the next time he decides he wants to make fun of someone.
I know that I probably didn't get through to this student, but I was able to be real, open, and honest with him.  Afterwards, I got so frustrated with myself for allowing a student to hurt me in such a way.  It brought me back to my own days in Middle School where the kids were so vicious and I was on both the receiving and giving end of bullying.  But I always remember and reminded myself of the fact that  I am loved by someone who could have chosen to be a bully when he was on this Earth, and had the right to be more than anyone else, but he didn't. Jesus chose love.  He chose to forgive, and to give love, grace, and compassion.
I'm thankful for the students that make fun of me; it reminds me that I am loved by the One that matters, and he sent people that matter to love me as well.

All of these lessons that God has taught me over this time here are just the icing on the cake of an incredible year so far.  Yesterday marked 99 days until I come home.  I am officially in the double digits, and I'm trying not to anxiously await that day.  God is showing me how important it is to continually allow myself to learn more and more about Him by allowing Him to show me more and more about myself.  Its an extremely difficult thing to allow, but I'm becoming more of the woman He made me to be in the process.

Continually thankful for His unending grace,

Rachel

{prayer requests}

• SCCLC Teaching
• Pray for me as this year is starting to come to a close.  Pray that I don't check out, but make every single day count for something.  Pray that I am still focusing on my purpose here, and to allow my mind to be HERE and not at home.
• Pray for the remainder of the year, that I am able to fulfill my responsibilities as both an English and Music teacher, and that the students continue to learn from me both academically and spiritually.
• Seussical the Musical: 
• I have been asked to be in charge of the soloist and ensemble in the musical at the SCCLC this Spring.  I'm fighting a whole bunch of feelings of inadequacy, and I could use prayer for God to show up in me and through me as I lead the kids in the musical.
• Pray for Emily Barlow as she is directing the whole show and is going to need a lot of guidance from God through the entire quarter.
• MSCrew
• Pray that I actually wake up on Thursday mornings, and I am ready to lead my kids, but I allow them to lead as well.
• Pray for the kids in MSCrew: Grace, Shekinah, Benji, Luke, Lucas, and Heyli.  I'm really impressed and excited that they are committing to be leaders at the SCCLC.
• Pray for myself as I lead them through this semester and learn how to disciple others. Pray that I will be discipling them well.
• Pray as this year is on the down-swing, that the students (and I) will adjust to change as I prepare to leave.
• Discipleship
• PRAISE God that I have started to be mentored by co-missionary and dear friend, Johanna.  This is a HUGE answer to prayer, and I am anxious to see how God uses myself in her life, and how we build eachother up in the Lord.
• Pray for her as she listens, and guides me in my struggles, but also for me that I am honoring God through our conversations--and that I am able to be transparent: something that is a struggle and challenge for me.
• Pray for the single ladies Bible study we have just started within our mission.  We are meeting on Thursdays and Saturdays throughout the month.  Pray for Johanna as she leads that.

The "Wow" Factor

Could it be a universal truth that the human race has a desire to be remembered? We have been in search for ways to leave an impression. Whether shallow and temporary or deep and lasting, we feed on the satisfaction of being thought of after we are no longer in sight.  Though it can be draining after a while, I suspect that a mom gets a small beam of satisfaction when she hears her toddler cry when she leaves him in the nursery or at school.  My junior high girls thrive on drama--though they complain that gossip goes on, they talk about being talked about and as it continues its almost as if they like the attention it gives them.  As a teacher, I am ecstatic if I see one of my kids getting interested in a book they are reading, or talking about the haiku they just wrote outside of class.  I tell myself that I'm doing something right--that they are learning and applying their knowledge.  Its the greatest feeling in the world when the work that I put in is actually paying off, even if it's just a little bit.

While I was wondering around and marvelling at the breathtaking ruins of Machupicchu, I couldn't help but wonder how it would feel like to be the Incan architect of the ancient ruin--and to hypothetically observe all of the people still drooling over my creation.  I mean what if that architect knew that his work was still being visited daily by thousands of people all over the world, after thousands of years.  I wonder if he would have done something differently--or if he'd have shown off even more with his skills and plans--or be thinking--what's the big deal?  Its just a little town.  I wonder if he failed in his architectural design schooling.  I'm sure he was an average Jose, right?  A normal Incan guy that had an idea one day--and had the guts to see it through.  I wonder if he even wanted to be known by thousands for thousands of years.

I have been reading In a Pit with a Lion on a Snowy Day.  The story is based off of the unpopular Biblical narrative of Benaiah, one of David's soldiers.  This guy decided to chase a lion into a pit and kill it--which earned him a prestigious position in David's army. One that left an impression on others.  Could you imagine the soldiers that he was in charge of talking about him as he was getting ready to train them to fight Babylon?  Or even the ways that the story might have been skewed and adjusted?  --"I heard he fought a lion with his bare hands and left nothing but the bones." --"Well, I hear that he ate the whole lion and has the skin hanging up above his bed." --"Really?  I heard he just told the story to get a job and he really ran away."  I'm sure there were more.  Regardless of the truth, Benaiah left a legacy--he managed to be someone that caused people to say "wow!"  He affected conversations just by doing what he was doing---and pursuing what God called him to pursue.

How inspiring is that?  I want to have that "wow" factor.  I want to be one of those people that makes and impression.  The ones that even after they are gone are ranted and raved about.  I want to be someone that people want to be.  Its not that I want to be famous; I'd find that kind of exposure a little too stressful.  In my miniscule span of influence--I want to be known as one who radiates the "wow" factor that only God can truly have.

But at the end of the day, I'm sure that both Benaiah and that Incan architect were just living their lives. It could have been just a normal day where they followed through on a vision that they were given, and that made all the difference.  When I piggy-backed on the tours that were given of Machupicchu I heard a whole lot of speculation: this house might have been placed here for worship of the gods, or during the winter solstice this rock lines up with the sun, so they probably did this on purpose, etc. etc.  But I suspect that if we could speak to the architect today, he would say that he dropped that rock their and it was too heavy to pick up, so... Or I'm sure that if we spoke to Benaiah and asked him why it was that he chased that lion, expecting him to go into a long theological discussion, he would say.. I just felt like chasing a lion.

So at the end of the day: I'm sure that even me: a simple Junior High teacher in Bolivia can develop that romantic "wow" factor just by living the day to day.  I cannot truly know the impact I make on my immediate span of influence in the moment.  So rather than trying really hard to influence those I see o a daily basis, I'm choosing to live for the One I want to impress: God.  If nothing else, I can influence others to do the same.

NOW for pictures of Machupicchu:

Thanks for reading!

--
Rachel

{prayer requests}

• CAMP is this week! 
• Please pray for both Ryan Parsons and Mike Banks as they lead the junior highers and high schoolers in an unforgettable week at camp.
• Pray for the HS leaders at Jr High Camp: Tayo, Emily, Abby, Ramona, Caleb, Cesar, 
• Pray for the Worship Team: Ally Lee and Myself (adult leaders) and the HS and JH leaders: Ramona, Emily, Grace, Cesar, and Tayo
• Pray for those left behind to sub for the teachers going to camp, as well as the general population of SCCLC to continue to grow in our absence
• Seussical the Musical: 
• I have been asked to be in charge of the soloist and ensemble in the musical at the SCCLC this Spring.  I'm fighting a whole bunch of feelings of inadequacy, and I could use prayer for God to show up in me and through me as I lead the kids in the musical.
• Pray for Emily Barlow as she is directing the whole show and is going to need a lot of guidance from God through the entire quarter.
• MSCrew
• Pray for the kids in MSCrew: Grace, Shekinah, Benji, Luke, Lucas, and Heyli.  I'm really impressed and excited that they are committing to be leaders at the SCCLC.
• Pray for myself as I lead them through this semester and learn how to disciple others. Pray that I will be discipling them well.
• Discipleship
• PRAISE God that I have started to be mentored by co-missionary and dear friend, Johanna Bennets.  This is a HUGE answer to prayer, and I am anxious to see how God uses myself in her life, and how we build eachother up in the Lord.
• Pray for her as she listens, and guides me in my struggles, but also for me that I am honoring God through our conversations--and that I am able to be transparent: something that is a struggle and challenge for me.

Resisting the Chisel

"He who began a good work in you will be faithful to complete it until the day of Christ Jesus." 

Philippians 1:4

This was the theme verse of the message of my home church this week.  I listened as Pastor Mark talked about the necessary understanding that God is constantly at work in our lives.  He started the work...is currently carrying it out...and will not stip until its done.  He compared our lives to that of the unfinished figurines of Michelangelo.  Michelangelo was quoted to say that his goal was to "liberate the figurine imprisoned in the marble."  Unlike Michelangelo, God doesn't stop working on what he has started.  He is constantly at work and he won't quit.  The difference is that he is molding us into the image of Jesus.
This is not the first time I have heard this analogy of God's work in our lives.  I have been preached this verse many times.  The great thing about the Bible, though, is that God brings about a new lesson to be learned every time I intently look at His word.

I remember watching the video posted below when I first heard about God using a chisel to shape us and mold us into the person He wants us to be.  Though I had seen the video a few times, I remember hearing about it from last year's 10th graders talking about the job of being God's workmanship.  Allowing God to hit us where it hurts in order to mold us into his masterpiece.  God used this video and the words of my students to convict me of allowing myself to accept the grace of God in my own life: a lesson I have had to re-learn time and time again.

I have heard this verse was from my Dad as a kid.  He would recite this verse to me whenever I would get annoyed with my brothers or with my friends or with myself.  He would recite it over and over again--to the point where I would just shut off when he said it--yet again.

This last time, when I was sitting in my empty room streaming the sermon over the internet, I heard the message in a whole new way.  This verse isn't simply meant for ME and my self-centered relationship with God.  Its meant for all of those that God has been working on too.  God, in His divine supremacy, has been crafting all of His children into masterpieces that glorify Him.  I'm not the only one being stuck with the chisel.  He is simultaneously using the circumstances around those around me, and not around me, to mold HIs children into what we should already be.  He is taking us from a pile of dirt and turning us into something bigger than we could ever imagine ourselves to be.

Is that not unifying?  Often, I have found myself making the radical statement that I cannot stand many Christians.  I cannot even begin to count how many cynical moments I have when I judge other believers for their actions and reactions.  It is virtually impossible to put a number to moments when I react to others with an expectation that I set for myself that they just don't live up to.  I treat others with such disdain and lack of mercy that, in turn--through assuming that they are resisting the chisel--I am resisting the chisel.  Its a classic plank-in-the-eye situation.  The Christians that God places in my path, as hypocritcal, self-righteous, frustrating or just plain annoying that they I can be, we are all being shaped, molded, chiseled, and perfected by the same Carpenter, Potter, Sculptor.  So if God is willing to forgive them, and chisel away, what other choice or responsibility do I have but support the chiseling of others by allowing God to chisel me.  Unforgiveness, judgement , and bitterness will always put a barrier between the chisel and the chiseled--a barrier that NEEDS to be crushed.
The most exciting thing about it all is that our proud Father is proud of every piece that is chipped away on His masterpiece.  Much more excited than the impossible chunk of marble that he has to work with, and He never gives up--no matter how stubborn that marble can be, no matter how many obstacles and barriers we place in front of Him.  No matter how many times we resist the Sculptor, he will FINISH his masterpiece.  He started, He's continuing, and He won't stop until its done--and on that day He will place us on the mantle of that place He's preparing for us to glorify Him for eternity.

Who's Excited?

Rachel

{prayer requests}

• UPCOMING CAMPS: pray for both the Middle School and High School camps coming up this month, that God will bring the kids to a deep and real understanding of Himself.
• YOUTH GROUP: Middle School & High School youth group has been combined to one night a week.  This is a lot of change for the school, and we'd appreciate the prayers as we maneuver through the transition
• MSCREW: I am now fully in charge of MSCrew, and I feel significantly worried and inadequate.  Please pray for me as I continue to make decisions for Crew and that I will communicate and work well with Ryan, the youth pastor, to disciple these kids.
• CARNAVAL WEEKEND: There is an apparant spiritual warfare during the days leading up to Lent here in Bolivia.  Bolivia is the worst country to be in during Carnaval because there is a significant spiritual warfare that happens.  Pray for those new Christians that will be tempted to attend Campamentos and to resist the temptation to join in on the evil
• PRAY for Jen Roberts and me as we travel to Peru during Carnaval weekend and explore Macchu Picchu.  Pray for travelling mercies and that God will bless our time together and grow our friendship

Without Fault

I had a great day today; a day filled with laughter, successes, challenges, and memories, but for some reason I took the short walk home feeling like a failure.  As I started to play my day back in my mind while I was packing up my things and getting ready to leave my classroom, I fell to the temptation of comparison & self-defeat.

Its interesting how often I find my worth and identity in things that do not even matter.  I have fallen victim to the attention received from praise.  Praise for a successful lesson.  Praise for relating to the kids I see everyday.  Praise for being a good missionary.  Praise for getting my lesson plans in on time or for finishing the assigned professional development book.  And when I don't receive the praise, I look at all of the areas in my life that need to be improved, and begin to do some self-examination.

Why am I not as good of a mentor as she is?
Why do my students not like me as much as her when I try so much harder?
Why am I not being a supportive enough girlfriend?
Why is it so hard for me to stay healthy or thin?
Why do I have to be good at things that I don't want to do?
Why does it seem so much easier for everyone else?

I ask myself these self-defeating questions over and over and always come to the same answer...because you're simply not good enough.  Which is true in a lot of ways.  I am not good enough.  I'm a failure.  We all are.  But that is the beauty of redemption.  The truth is I have been set free from the bondage of sin, but for some reason that bondage is so comfortable--and safe; I find myself retreating back to those lies because its easier and safer to hide behind them rather than allow others to see me for who I truly am.

One of my students accepted Christ this week, and I was overjoyed with the things she had to say.  She shared her testimony almost immediately after she accepted Christ and she said so many things, but one thing she said that I will always remember is "words are power."

This is so true.  When I teach I am able to convince my students of a lot of things.  When I listen to someone say hurtful things, those scars come up later in life.  When I say hurtful things to others I'm sure those words have enough power to scar them as well.  I just wish that I was able to listen to the most powerful words of all:

WITHOUT FAULT.  That is the part that is hard for me to grasp.  I am fully aware of the faults of myself and the people who I am around on a daily basis.  God has gifted me with an ability to see and understand the faults of others--almost to a fault (pardon the pun).

As I continue to grow and be engrossed in full-time ministry life my ability to acccept the grace of God has begun to occupy the shadow behind my constant desire for approval and the praises of man. 

Father,

Help me accept that I can never fully satisfy anyone, but I can be fully satisfied with You and you alone.  Help me learn to embrace your grace & to learn from failure rather than dwell in failure.  Teach me to see myself how you see me: blameless and without fault.

Rachel

Ambidextrous Spirituality

SAMBo Mission Conference

Last week was a week that was filled with God's presence at the SAMBo Mission Conference.  I added a bunch of pictures that highlight the week.  God brought to light a lot of issues that I have convinced myself were not issues in my life.  He showed me a lot of truth about myself.  He showed me that I need to be broken before I can heal from the things I didn't know were hurting me.

Up until this point in my time here in Bolivia I have been asking God to change me.  I've been asking for Him to mold me and shape me into the woman He sees me to be.  Though I have great motives in my prayers, my actions reflect the exact opposite desire.  I suppress my feelings so as not to impose them on others.   I don't allow things to surface because I don't want others to see me as weak.  I also don't see that others can actually help me or offer me any advice that would be worth listening to.

The Conference Committee & Jerry & Pat Sittser

The bottom line: I am alone, and there is no one trustworthy in this world that would even understand.

When I went to conference I had low, if any, expectations.  I was less than thrilled to go because all I could think about was the long list of things I needed to complete before school started.  But God used the mission conference to answer the prayer that I have been given.  He continued the transformation.  He decided to take a big chunk off of my masterpiece, and let me tell you.  This one was painful.

God used the words of our speaker, Jerry Sittser, to really convict me of my mistaken perspective.  The perspective I have thought is that in the story of my life I have been confusing my circumstances with my plot.  The plot comes out of the circumstances.  The plot develops out of the way I respond to the circumstances in which I see myself, and "God will use the toold of everything to form me into who I already should be.

He introduced the concept of ambidextrous spirituality.  Which is a fancy way of searching for God in all situations: prosperity & adversity.  Currently I find myself in the latter.  I have been sleeping in the shadows of my adversity for so long--becoming numb to emotions or feelings, and dwelling in negativity.  I cannot be a slave to my circumstances--even if they are hard.  Jerry asked the important question that I am now asking myself:

How am I responding to God where I am?

Jerry simply said "wherever you are, find God there."  He continued to unpack the concept that we are all parts of the big Story, and there is no way to know how He will use our little story to impact his own Narrative, and we have the unique privilege to be "characters who know the author."  As soon as I started processing this, I was able to see that God can reveal the plot as it continues as long as I fulfill my part: be a character devoted to the Author.

I'm just learning to accept the paradox: "for when I am weak, then I am strong."  God is showing me that as adversity continues I need to take advantage of the refining of my faith, the opportunity of learning submission & dependence, of necessary trust.

Today I had the opportunity to practice this new practice of ambidextrus spirituality.  During chapel we sang the song: "Your Great Name" there is a verse that says:

The fatherless find their rest

At the sound of Your Great Name

The sick are healed the dead are raised

At the sound of Your Great Name

As I started singing and processing those lyrics I met with God.  He showed me that He is there during adversity--and He moves mountains.  All I could think of are those friends of mine in the States.  The father that was just taken from his toddler children and their mother.   I thought of the father and son that are fighting life-altering injuries.  I thought of the man here in Bolivia that was diagnosed with Leukemia and taken to heaven within two weeks.  I thought of a fellow missionary's niece fighting for her life at home.  But at the sound of His Great Name, there is hope when it seems hopeless.

As I continue to pray for these families affected by adversity, I just pray that God will simply show Himself to them in a big way. That God will continue to develop their plot, and they will allow Him to change their lives like He is changing mine.

Hurt happens, and character is built through it all.  Please be praying for me as I continue to adopt the spiritual discipline of "wherever you are, find God there."

thanks for your prayers & support!

--
Rachel

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PRAYER REQUESTS

• The new semester schedule has been trying and a little exhausting.  Please pray that God gives me ability to get my work done and opportunity to rest
• As I start to find God wherever I am pray that He brings a mentor into my life to join me in this and that I will be able to trust those around me to help me through this process.
• Gilberto, one of the pastors at my church, La Restauracion,  just went Home to rest.  Pray for his family and the church body as well as the missionary family that serves there, it has been tough on them as they are grieving.
• Pray for the two families at FCC in the States: the Hackings and the McLeans.  Two automobile accidents have caused life-altering injuries to Brian and Josh. Pray that they will be find strength and have faith in the Great Physician.  Also for Ana and her two little kids--her fiance died this weekend in a motorcycle accident.  Pray for her grieving process and her kids.
• Pray for the Crew kids this week as they start to write out their testimonies and go through the process of being officially added to the crew.
• Pray for my students to adjust gracefully into the new semester and that they will set good goals and finish well.

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Sneaking a Peek at God's Will

Most Recent Bolivian Adventure: exploring the light displays of Santa Cruz

I have never been an easy person to surprise.  Not possessing energy to face the impossible feat of pulling the wool over my eyes, my parents never threw me a surprise party. To put it bluntly: I am nosy, and like to know what is going on.  At far too young an age I would sit with my parents as they talked to their adult friends instead of playing with the other kids, just because I wanted to know what was going on.  In middle school and high school, I loved secrets only if I knew them, and I tried to sneak a peek at my Christmas presents so much that my parents started going shopping on Christmas Eve.  Social Committee president and an a member of the Student Government, I even needed to be a person "in the know" all throughout college.  Though he has never complained about it, Dave is very aware of this flaw of mine, and has been patiently helping me enjoy and welcome surprises.

As I have continued my life journey in Bolivia, I am realizing that being "in the know" is as impossible as throwing a surprise party for me was when I was a kid.  Since I first stepped on Bolivian sand, I've been surprised so many times it doesn't even come as a shock anymore; in fact it is a shock when I am able to predict a surprise.  What has this taught me?  First--real life is not even close to what they "prepare" you for up until college graduation.  Secondly, God loves surprises, and life itself is a surprise.

In the latest chapter Dave and I have read in the devotional we are doing, Devotions for Dating Couples, Sam Adams writes about God's will.  He shares that God has two wills for our lives: his soveriegn (secret) will and His moral will.  The sovereign will is one that will be carried out regardless of our choices, and the moral will is what He asks of us--and what is shared with us in Scriptures. Adams continues, "The problem occurs when we want to sneak a peek at God's secret will before it has been revealed.  Often we are too concerned with trying to anticipate His next move."

Lately, I have found my self wondering and pondering what my next move is supposed to be at the end of this school year.  What is my next step when I get off the plane on June 15th?  I have been praying for God to make His will clear to me.  I have been praying for God to show Dave His will as we take steps together in our future.  As we plan our next steps, I am humbled by Dave's patience and faith in God's providential will--meanwhile I am a wreck waiting for both Dave and God to present me with a 5-year plan.

My prayers and expectations have been completely misguided.  I'm thankful that the Holy Spirit intervenes in prayers, because I shouldn't be praying for God to make His will clear; I should be allowing myself to seek God's moral will.  I should be fulfilling MY duty as a servant of the Lord, "love God and enjoy Him forever."

I have been re-reading My Utmost for His Highest, Oswald Chambers had an amazing Biblical example of Peter asking Jesus, "why can I not follow you now?" John 13:37.  Immediately after this questions Jesus tells Peter that He will deny Him three times, while Peter is convinced that he knows Himself better than Jesus does.  How foolish, right?  Well here I am just as guilty.  Waiting on the Lord's direction, and the Lord's will when all I need to do is stop denying Him.  

Chambers responds to this passage this way, "Wait for God’s timing and He will do it without any heartache or disappointment. When it is a question of the providential will of God, wait for God to move."

I have no idea what God is planning for my future.  I don't know what I will be doing this time next year.  I don't know whether I will be single, what country I will be in, where I will be laying my head, what job I will have.  Life is full of questions.  All questions God knows the answer to, and all questions I am not ready to hear the answers to.  I am only praying that I will continue to seek God--not his unrevealed will, because  I don't want or need heartache or disappointment--I need to love God and enjoy Him forever.

Thanks for Reading, Praying and Supporting!

Rachel

*******IF YOU HAVEN'T ALREADY, make sure you watch this video as a THANK YOU for all of the gracious support you have given me these past months!*******

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PRAYER REQUESTS:

1. SAMBo Missions Conference:  This week we could really use your prayers here at SAMBolivia.  The Missions Conference is bringing a bunch of speakers and helpers for us missionaries to be ministered to.  I'm really looking forward to the time of rejunvination, Spiritual food, fellowship, and opportunities to rest and grow in the Lord.  PLEASE pray that God will go before us, and that His truth will be shared, shown, and received.

2. SCCLC: Students and teachers start the school year again on January 14th.  The time has snuck up on a lot of us, and we could use prayers as we continue to plan for the semester.  We are half-way through! Pray that we finish this last lap of our race well!

3. MSCrew: With the start of school, comes the continuation of youth group and Crew.  Kids will be completing and handing in applications for Crew during the first week of school.  Pray for wisdom and guidance from the Holy Spirit as we make decisions and seek His direction with Middle School Crew.

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Merry Christmas from Bolivia!!

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

The Christmas season lends itself to a lot of time for reflection and personal application the Christmas story. When Mary first heard the news of her miraculous conception of the King of kings, I’m sure she was terrified, confused and unsure of how she could do it.  But time and time again, she showed her faith through her response to God’s will.  Multiple times throughout the story of Jesus’ birth it says: “Mary treasured all these things and pondered them in her heart.”  Mary did ask the angel a question, “How could I…” she never questioned God’s power or ability to fulfill His will.

When I reflect on the time I have spent here in Bolivia over the past 4 months, God keeps on showing me that I need to treasure the time that I have here, and cast aside the fear that I find myself holding onto and just have faith to believe that His will is being accomplished—both in my life and the lives I have been privileged to be part of.  God is doing much more than I can imagine in me and through me, and for that I am blessed and celebrate his birth.

Below is a quick slideshow of highlights from the past semester that I have spent here in Bolivia.  I hope you enjoy seeing the faces of the students I have been privileged to get to know this year!

Merry Christmas to all of you and I pray that you have a blessed and joy-filled New Year!

Melancholy Missions

There are three things I haven't done since my last post over 2 weeks ago:
1. Blogged
2. Smiled
3. Prayed

I fully intend to explain all of the things above, and I hope and pray that you will all forgive me for them all.
Before I came onto the field I was asked to read a book called Serving as Senders by Neal Pirolo  As senders & supporters, I'd definitely recommend reading it because it gives you a little glimpse into what it is like to be a missionary and how you can intentionally & specifically be praying for missionaries such as myself.  In the book they provide a pretty interesting chart which outlines and explains the ups and downs of a cross-cultural worker.  I pictured it below:

When I first looked at this chart aI was in stages B-C, and at that stage, you don't believe that the other parts are really as accurate as they say in the book.  Up until this point, I have been in stage D: The honeymoon period.  I have been enjoying the new culture, embracing new ministries, loving the newness of my students and even the unexpected adventure as a music teacher.

But as time has continued, I have begun to get annoyed with the fact that I have had to rely on others for rides or take crowded micros or feel uncomfortable when taxis honk at me as they pass.  Or shake out dust from the bottom of my sandals countless times during the day or address disrespectful students or navigate politics of a school or listen to another groaning missionary, and the list goes on.  Everything about Bolivia has started and continues to annoy me.

I want to be able to wear a coat and make snow angels.  I want to be able to drink hot chocolate without sweating; to drive my car to meet a friend for coffee.  I want to roll my eyes at people frantically shopping at the malls.  I want to be able to experience a new Christmas with Dave with my family & friends.  I want home.

I have officially entered into stage E: Cultural Stress.

Serving as Senders puts it this way:

The time that passes between these identified stages will vary according to circumstances. But as surely as night follows day, this next stage is inevitable. One morning your missionary rudely awakens to the reality that the single handle will never produce hot water! He realizes he has committed himself to circumstances that are no longer quaint; they are now weird even barbaric! The adventure of discovery has turned to the dread of "What's next?" The first bugs of dysentery keep him up all night. The fact that this is the most difficult language in the world to learn has him looking for a permanent interpreter. The first hints of persecution or the awareness that people are not going to change as easily or as rapidly as he had hoped have him asking God to "Let this cup pass from me...." The pinnacles of ecstasy have plummeted to the depths of despair. Culture stress has set in. 

Most missionaries don't want to talk about this stage of missionary life because the people back home won't think of them as "spiritual" enough if they admit to some of these trying times. It is at this time that your cross-cultural worker needs your support. Many—too many—crash here. Of course, some turn back before they leave the airport! 

I am not leaving for the airport, and I am not like most missionaries: I have vowed to be honest and forthcoming about my weaknesses and struggles, otherwise there is no reason to pray.

Simply put: I have become a melancholy missionary.  I haven't been praying or smiling for the past two weeks, and it has been absolutely miserable.  This is my time to apologize for the selfish person that I have been in the past few weeks.  I have physically been here, but my mind and my heart has not been here.

I have been reading My Utmost for His Highest since I have been here, and in the book Oswald Chambers wrote: 

We all have the trick of saying—If only I were not where I am!—If only I had not got the kind of people I have to live with! If our faith or our religion does not help us in the conditions we are in, we have either a further struggle to go through, or we had better abandon that faith and religion.

I have not been allowing my faith to get me through this season of my life that I have read about in Ecclesiastes 3.  I have not been allowing God to get me through; I have been relying on myself, and through relying on myself I have been so self-involved that I don't have room for God in my thoughts or alone-time.  I have been sleeping more and praying less; I have been faking smiles, and haven't found the time, will or energy to blog about things I have done.

1 Corinthians 7:24 says "So, brothers, in whatever condition each was called, there let him remain with God."  I have not remained or drawn near to God in this hardship that I have voluntarily been placed in, and there are so many things to be thankful for.

One of my college professors addressed all of the female college students one day when he spoke in chapel saying, "Have you ever thought that if God believed you were ready for a relationship, you would be in one?"  I feel like you could fill this statement of wisdom in with a number of things. For the season I am currently in I choose to fill in the statment saying "If God believed that I were ready to be home, I would be home."

God is not through with me yet, and I just need to draw near to Him and He will draw near to me (James 4:8).  Please pray that I will do so as I continue to search for my next steps in this ministry, and as I seek God's wisdom in order to fall in love with this ministry and Bolivia once again.

Thanks for Reading!

Rachel

PRAYER REQUESTS:

1. The Christmas Program is on Friday, and we will be prepping this entire week.  Please pray for strength, patience & perseverance for both myself and the kids.
2. Monday after school we have a Middle school crew meeting.  Pray that both Rachel Rogers and I will seek the Lord's face as we continue to iron out the details of Middle School Crew.
3. Middle School youth group i son Friday, and they will be doing things one-man short.  Pray that the kids and leaders continue to build relationships.
4. Pray for my attitude towards other missionaries & that I will find a mentor as I continue to seek one out.
5. Also pray that I will continue to seek the Lord as I continue to navigate this season of my time here in Bolivia.