Melancholy Missions

There are three things I haven't done since my last post over 2 weeks ago:
1. Blogged
2. Smiled
3. Prayed

I fully intend to explain all of the things above, and I hope and pray that you will all forgive me for them all.
Before I came onto the field I was asked to read a book called Serving as Senders by Neal Pirolo  As senders & supporters, I'd definitely recommend reading it because it gives you a little glimpse into what it is like to be a missionary and how you can intentionally & specifically be praying for missionaries such as myself.  In the book they provide a pretty interesting chart which outlines and explains the ups and downs of a cross-cultural worker.  I pictured it below:

When I first looked at this chart aI was in stages B-C, and at that stage, you don't believe that the other parts are really as accurate as they say in the book.  Up until this point, I have been in stage D: The honeymoon period.  I have been enjoying the new culture, embracing new ministries, loving the newness of my students and even the unexpected adventure as a music teacher.

But as time has continued, I have begun to get annoyed with the fact that I have had to rely on others for rides or take crowded micros or feel uncomfortable when taxis honk at me as they pass.  Or shake out dust from the bottom of my sandals countless times during the day or address disrespectful students or navigate politics of a school or listen to another groaning missionary, and the list goes on.  Everything about Bolivia has started and continues to annoy me.

I want to be able to wear a coat and make snow angels.  I want to be able to drink hot chocolate without sweating; to drive my car to meet a friend for coffee.  I want to roll my eyes at people frantically shopping at the malls.  I want to be able to experience a new Christmas with Dave with my family & friends.  I want home.

I have officially entered into stage E: Cultural Stress.

Serving as Senders puts it this way:

The time that passes between these identified stages will vary according to circumstances. But as surely as night follows day, this next stage is inevitable. One morning your missionary rudely awakens to the reality that the single handle will never produce hot water! He realizes he has committed himself to circumstances that are no longer quaint; they are now weird even barbaric! The adventure of discovery has turned to the dread of "What's next?" The first bugs of dysentery keep him up all night. The fact that this is the most difficult language in the world to learn has him looking for a permanent interpreter. The first hints of persecution or the awareness that people are not going to change as easily or as rapidly as he had hoped have him asking God to "Let this cup pass from me...." The pinnacles of ecstasy have plummeted to the depths of despair. Culture stress has set in. 

Most missionaries don't want to talk about this stage of missionary life because the people back home won't think of them as "spiritual" enough if they admit to some of these trying times. It is at this time that your cross-cultural worker needs your support. Many—too many—crash here. Of course, some turn back before they leave the airport! 

I am not leaving for the airport, and I am not like most missionaries: I have vowed to be honest and forthcoming about my weaknesses and struggles, otherwise there is no reason to pray.

Simply put: I have become a melancholy missionary.  I haven't been praying or smiling for the past two weeks, and it has been absolutely miserable.  This is my time to apologize for the selfish person that I have been in the past few weeks.  I have physically been here, but my mind and my heart has not been here.

I have been reading My Utmost for His Highest since I have been here, and in the book Oswald Chambers wrote: 

We all have the trick of saying—If only I were not where I am!—If only I had not got the kind of people I have to live with! If our faith or our religion does not help us in the conditions we are in, we have either a further struggle to go through, or we had better abandon that faith and religion.

I have not been allowing my faith to get me through this season of my life that I have read about in Ecclesiastes 3.  I have not been allowing God to get me through; I have been relying on myself, and through relying on myself I have been so self-involved that I don't have room for God in my thoughts or alone-time.  I have been sleeping more and praying less; I have been faking smiles, and haven't found the time, will or energy to blog about things I have done.

1 Corinthians 7:24 says "So, brothers, in whatever condition each was called, there let him remain with God."  I have not remained or drawn near to God in this hardship that I have voluntarily been placed in, and there are so many things to be thankful for.

One of my college professors addressed all of the female college students one day when he spoke in chapel saying, "Have you ever thought that if God believed you were ready for a relationship, you would be in one?"  I feel like you could fill this statement of wisdom in with a number of things. For the season I am currently in I choose to fill in the statment saying "If God believed that I were ready to be home, I would be home."

God is not through with me yet, and I just need to draw near to Him and He will draw near to me (James 4:8).  Please pray that I will do so as I continue to search for my next steps in this ministry, and as I seek God's wisdom in order to fall in love with this ministry and Bolivia once again.

Thanks for Reading!

Rachel

PRAYER REQUESTS:

1. The Christmas Program is on Friday, and we will be prepping this entire week.  Please pray for strength, patience & perseverance for both myself and the kids.
2. Monday after school we have a Middle school crew meeting.  Pray that both Rachel Rogers and I will seek the Lord's face as we continue to iron out the details of Middle School Crew.
3. Middle School youth group i son Friday, and they will be doing things one-man short.  Pray that the kids and leaders continue to build relationships.
4. Pray for my attitude towards other missionaries & that I will find a mentor as I continue to seek one out.
5. Also pray that I will continue to seek the Lord as I continue to navigate this season of my time here in Bolivia.

{Dis}comfort Zone

"I feel inadequate."

"I don't know if I can really do this..."

"Why would you choose me to teach this when..."

"How am I supposed to do that if you say that I can't even do this?"

"I have lost all of my confidence in this job"

"I'm obeying God, but I'm not ready to be happy about it yet."

These are all things that I have been caught saying this week as my ministry began to take a turn in a different direction.  I haven't been trusting that God will figure out the details of this ministry.  Details that he genuinely cares about.  Details for which he has already orchestrated a plan.

I have officially accepted the Elementary Music teacher position at the SCCLC.  I will be doing this job on top of teaching Reading to the 7th and 8th grade classes.  Before I left, I was worried that I would have too much time on my hands.  Now I feel like I don't have enough time in my day to completely cross off the things on my endless lists.

When I accepted the job to be the Elementary Music teacher, I couldn't help but think.."what?  I can't even play the piano! I might be able to sing..but that's not enough!" I still have the fear that my students will see right through me when I attempt to teach a subject that I'm not even trained for.  I feel like my students are going to walk all over me because I don't even know where to begin as far as managing classes from Kindergarten to 6th grade.  I have enough trouble dealing with middle schoolers.

I have all of these fears that keep creeping in on me, and my confidence as a teacher is low at best.  I don't believe that I have started this school year off with a good foot forward because I came in late, and I also had a few hard meetings to sit through that shattered my confidence as well.

But I'm realizing that this is not me.  This is not the way that Rachel Gentry does life.  I have always been a "low self esteem, high confience" kind of person.  I've known those weaknesses of myself for a while.  It took coming to Santa Cruz, Bolivia to realize that I am not adequate or qualified.

Tomorrow marks the first day of actually stepping out of my comfort zone.  Up until this point I have been doing things that I am confident in even if I'm not incredible or the best at it, I at least have KNOWN what I am doing.  God is officially telling me to step completely out of my comfort zone and allow HIM to do the work.

PLEASE be praying for me this week as I start this new journey in my {dis}comfort zone.

• Pray for my poor new Elementary students as they wait patiently for me to get used to them & learn their names.
• Pray for time management on my end, so that I can get all of my prep & planning finished
• Pray for the administration as they patiently answer my countless questions
• Pray for myself and my roommate as we continue to grow together and learn about eachother
• Pray that I will lay my burdens down at Jesus' feet instead of having this fear of inadequacy
• Pray for God to continue to show himself across the SCCLC & that His love will permeate through all of us.

Thanks for you constant support, prayers, and encouragement!

Rachel

A Smoothie of Emotions

All of the ingredients of a smoothie are good on their own, but together they are more delicious than they would be if they weren't blended. The process of a smoothie completely blending together takes a while.  Some of the ingredients are harder to break down, and others can be too watery.  But eventually they all form one single product: a delicious smoothie.

My emotions are currently in the blender.  They are not yet smoothie material, but I'm attempting to break down the stubborn ones, and learn how to allow them all to work together to become something delicious.  Let me show you some of the ingredients:

THE ICE:

This is the first time I cried when I said goodbye to my parents.  I think its because I am starting to realize that I'm really going to be gone for a year this time.  Every time I have left home, I have only been gone for 4 months at the most.  This time I know I will not see my family for a very long time.  So much happens in a year, and its hard not to be fearful of the inevitable changes both in me and the people I love.

THE STRAWBERRIES:

When I received my visa I was at an ultimate high.  I couldn't wait to make plans to purchase my ticket.  I couldn't wait to just get down there.  I was so excited that I literally sat and stared in disbelief.  Then started to run around my house blasting the video below:

THE YOGURT:

THEN I started to realize it was time to say goodbye, and I started getting confused. I didn't know how to say goodbye to the people I love.  I wasn't sure how many times to hug, how MUCH I was supposed to cry, what I was supposed to say as final words.  It was kind of a whirlwind.  Everything happened so quickly, too.  I couldn't figure out what I was supposed to do and how to catch up in my mind.

THE BANANAS:

Dave dropped me off at the airport.  (Dave is my boyfriend, we've been seriously dating for a couple months), and I didn't even know how to say goodbye to him.  I sat with him with all of these exciting things in the back of my mind: seeing my students, being in Bolivia, finally finishing the waiting process, etc.  But then there was this overwhelming lack of ability to separate myself from him: a feeling I had never experienced before.  I had a desire for him to come with me on this new adventure.  I had a desire not to let him leave my side.  After having my final meal: Philly Cheesesteaks, Dave and I said goodbye, and I cried for a good couple hours because of my overwhelming sadness of letting him go and not seeing him for so long.

Final Meal in the US: Cheesesteak!!! :)

We weren't happy to say goodbye :(

THE KIWI:

I am SOO happy and excited to be back in Bolivia.  Its really like returning home.  But I'm still kind of feeling awkward because I almost feel like I'm going to wake up in my room at my parents house with a text message from Dave.  I got so used to life in the States that its hard to separate my routine.  Living in Mount Laurel is still so close to my mind that I'm not yet ready to let it go.  But at the same time I want to embrace Bolivia, and so far I haven't had a problem with it, but I can't be embracing both at the same time.  I'm excited to be rooming with Danielle Potter (Dpo)!  I'm excited to see and start teaching my kids, I'm excited to just RE-ENTER Bolivian culture and experience life here.

Dpo and I overwhelmed with Excitement in our Apartment!! :)

As of right now, I'm still processing (or blending...to stick with the metaphor) my feelings towards this drastic life change.  God is showing me through it all that I need to continually rely on Him to show me how to get through the day-to-day whether in Santa Cruz or New Jersey.

I had a red-eye flight so I had the chance to see the sunset and the sunrise while in the air.  Though it might be a little corny, I can look at this as God showing me that its time to let the sun set on my life in the States and look forward to the sun rising on my life in Bolivia.  I'm so thankful for the beauty of God's creation showing me how to transition.

American Sunset

Bolivian Sunrise

The thing about the sun, though, is that its the same no matter where you are.  God is my sun...He is the same yesterday, today, and tomorrow, and I need to hold on to that truth.  Even when my emotions are going through the blender!

Thanks for your prayers and support!

Rachel

find smoothie recipe here