My Ice Cream Puddle

What is your favorite flavor of ice cream? Cup or cone? Sprinkles?  Cookie crumbs?  Dipped in chocolate?  What is the combination that just makes your mouth water when you order it from the Drive-in--the one you always order?  For me its simple: soft-serve vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles in a waffle cone.  Yum.  

Well imagine ordering it--with a perfect triple-swirl and the sprinkles of every color covering every surface of frigid ice cream that patiently sits on the fresh waffle cone waiting to be devoured.  Mouth watering?  Well now imagine tripping over a rock and watching, in slow motion, that perfect ice cream cone crashing to the ground and immediately becoming a swirling and melting rainbow puddle.  Now imagine a small dog coming up and licking that puddle.  To add a little irony to this unfortunate insult, add some pouring down rain.

That was my week.

I was born a natural pessimist.  Can you tell?  I simply enjoy wallowing in the negative aspects of life.  This skill raised to an artform throughout my teen years when I, like most teens in the world, was convinced that my parents and everyone else in the world, who couldn't possibly understand what I was going through, had one goal: to ruin my life.  I remember countless arguments with my parents over the silliest things that seemed to be the most important things in the world at the time--its funny that I don't remember any of the actual topics of the arguments, just that they took place.

As I have slowly grown in maturity, those optimists that I once loathed, because they ruined my pity parties and made me feel this size of a bean whenever I would wallow in the negative, became intriguing to me.  You know the people I'm talking about: the ones who could find sunbeams during a thunderstorm, or could find something positive to say about a tone-deaf person singing an Aretha Franklin song, or could be excited for the dog who gets to lick their just-spilled-not-yet-eaten puddle of ice cream with sprinkles off the ground.  Those people are so amazing to me--when I WANT to climb on board of their happy train.  When I don't feel so positive, I want to ring there necks with their sunbeams and compliments, scoop up the ice cream puddle and throw it their face.

Over time, though, I have seen that optimism is such an attractive quality to have.  Biblically the word is joy.  As an English teacher, I like to find synonyms for simple words.  My favorite is "rapture" to be "in rapture" would be to have overwhelming felicity or pleasure.  I don't think that dictionary.com does a great job of defining the word joy, though, because the first word was "happiness."  The Oxford English dictionary does a better job by defining it as "a vivid emotion of pleasure arising from a sense of well-being or satisfaction; the feeling or state of being highly pleased or delighted."

Joy is the second fruit of the spirit mentioned in Galatians 5, preceeded solely by love.  John Mayer says "love is a verb" theology that I definitely agree with, and I'd like to argue maybe that joy is a verb as well.  James 1 says "consider it pure joy to face trials of many kinds."  That means joy is an action--its a choice.  To be joyous, one must be in complete contentment and confidence that her needs are met--whether they want to or not.  Its a concious state of mind that takes work--even for optimists.

As a pessimist, the state of being joyful is not something that happens with ease.  Its hard work for me.  I have to conciously remind myself of my identity in Christ, of what side I am on, and of my expectations and purposes.  Sometimes it comes much easier that other times.  When I find myself in a state of prosperity, I can be thankful for a whole lot of things.  But catch me in a moment of adversity and forget it. I wallow.  I'm such a selfish sinner.  When God finds it in His pleasure and will to bless me--its really easy to look at the positive sides of things and have the shallow ice-cream-with-sprinkles-on-it joy, but when that ice cream with sprinkles falls off the cone and crashes on the ground, its really hard to think of something to be thankful for.

This was an ice-cream-on-the-ground kind of week and all I wanted to do was kick the dog.  It was a challenge to find the positive things throughout my week.  My mind has been in the US for the past month, and I have been counting down the days until my flight (70 days).  Every time something would go wrong this week, I'd just repeat the amount of days I have left in my mind which left me even more depressed because I just wanted to go home.  I tried so hard to find blessings of this week that I conciously had to sit down and write them in my journal.

He managed to help me think of an abundance (more than 40) of blessings that I have in my life right now.  In this season--not just things to look forward to in the next.  He brought me a type of contentment that I haven't had in a long time, and for that I am overwhelmingly blessed.  The week that started with the Hope of the Resurrection is what made me see that He is a Just God of grace--the greatest contradiction known to man, and I am privileged to know him.

Here are some of the blessings I wrote about this week:

Parsons, Bennets, Reeds, and Smith families to share Easter dinner with when mine is far away (picture below)

Disney movies that are perfect watch while grading mountains of papers (picture below)

Music that plants itself in my head giving me a soundtrack to life (though annoying its better than silence)

Rain & cool enough weather to wear scarves and long sleeves (!!!!)

Coke and Popcorn (the website with free viewing of US tv shows)

Overseeing detention with kids who decided they wanted to discuss the Bible

THE PHILLIES!!! (opening day was yesterday...can't wait for summer games)

When toddlers run to me with their arms stretched out (best moment ever)

Being able to cook for other people..perhaps my favorite act of worship (picture below)

Fireworks to ring in the Resurrection of Christ...ask me for a video of the sunrise service

A new yellow dress and the seamstress who made it for me..and the low cost for it to be done :)

When my students actually quote things I say back to me and I realize they actually listen (BIG deal)

Birthdays!! Two of my students and a fellow missionary had birthday parties today...lots of fun!!

Godly conversations with other single women here in Bolivia.

Dave's ability to patiently listen to my venting fits and still respond in wisdom and love.

That moment when a student applies something we are learning in class OUTSIDE of class!!! :)

the Psalms...reading a Psalm a day forces me to praise God :)

TERRIBLE jokes that still make me laugh

Embracing one of my 8th graders right after she made a decision to follow Christ (BEST MOMENT)

Photos like the ones below:

These are all missionary kids that I have babysat, discipled, taught, or ministered to throughout this year.  They are my out-of-school ministry, and I love them all dearly.  We took these pictures after Easter dinner.

These are my seventh graders on theme-day.  Our theme was Disney characters.  I got a little bit into it.

I baked this pizza last night and shared it with a couple neighbors.  It was a pick-me-up ending to a hard week.

As God has challenged me this week, I hope he challenges you to look for those blessings in your life that you are just NOT entitled to.  I pray that you choose joy this week as you are in the thick of life and tempted to kick the dog eating your puddle of ice cream.

Thanks for your prayers and support!  You are all a huge blessing in my life...what are some blessings you have experienced this week that you might want to share as a COMMENT below?

--

Rachel

Ambidextrous Spirituality

SAMBo Mission Conference

Last week was a week that was filled with God's presence at the SAMBo Mission Conference.  I added a bunch of pictures that highlight the week.  God brought to light a lot of issues that I have convinced myself were not issues in my life.  He showed me a lot of truth about myself.  He showed me that I need to be broken before I can heal from the things I didn't know were hurting me.

Up until this point in my time here in Bolivia I have been asking God to change me.  I've been asking for Him to mold me and shape me into the woman He sees me to be.  Though I have great motives in my prayers, my actions reflect the exact opposite desire.  I suppress my feelings so as not to impose them on others.   I don't allow things to surface because I don't want others to see me as weak.  I also don't see that others can actually help me or offer me any advice that would be worth listening to.

The Conference Committee & Jerry & Pat Sittser

The bottom line: I am alone, and there is no one trustworthy in this world that would even understand.

When I went to conference I had low, if any, expectations.  I was less than thrilled to go because all I could think about was the long list of things I needed to complete before school started.  But God used the mission conference to answer the prayer that I have been given.  He continued the transformation.  He decided to take a big chunk off of my masterpiece, and let me tell you.  This one was painful.

God used the words of our speaker, Jerry Sittser, to really convict me of my mistaken perspective.  The perspective I have thought is that in the story of my life I have been confusing my circumstances with my plot.  The plot comes out of the circumstances.  The plot develops out of the way I respond to the circumstances in which I see myself, and "God will use the toold of everything to form me into who I already should be.

He introduced the concept of ambidextrous spirituality.  Which is a fancy way of searching for God in all situations: prosperity & adversity.  Currently I find myself in the latter.  I have been sleeping in the shadows of my adversity for so long--becoming numb to emotions or feelings, and dwelling in negativity.  I cannot be a slave to my circumstances--even if they are hard.  Jerry asked the important question that I am now asking myself:

How am I responding to God where I am?

Jerry simply said "wherever you are, find God there."  He continued to unpack the concept that we are all parts of the big Story, and there is no way to know how He will use our little story to impact his own Narrative, and we have the unique privilege to be "characters who know the author."  As soon as I started processing this, I was able to see that God can reveal the plot as it continues as long as I fulfill my part: be a character devoted to the Author.

I'm just learning to accept the paradox: "for when I am weak, then I am strong."  God is showing me that as adversity continues I need to take advantage of the refining of my faith, the opportunity of learning submission & dependence, of necessary trust.

Today I had the opportunity to practice this new practice of ambidextrus spirituality.  During chapel we sang the song: "Your Great Name" there is a verse that says:

The fatherless find their rest

At the sound of Your Great Name

The sick are healed the dead are raised

At the sound of Your Great Name

As I started singing and processing those lyrics I met with God.  He showed me that He is there during adversity--and He moves mountains.  All I could think of are those friends of mine in the States.  The father that was just taken from his toddler children and their mother.   I thought of the father and son that are fighting life-altering injuries.  I thought of the man here in Bolivia that was diagnosed with Leukemia and taken to heaven within two weeks.  I thought of a fellow missionary's niece fighting for her life at home.  But at the sound of His Great Name, there is hope when it seems hopeless.

As I continue to pray for these families affected by adversity, I just pray that God will simply show Himself to them in a big way. That God will continue to develop their plot, and they will allow Him to change their lives like He is changing mine.

Hurt happens, and character is built through it all.  Please be praying for me as I continue to adopt the spiritual discipline of "wherever you are, find God there."

thanks for your prayers & support!

--
Rachel

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PRAYER REQUESTS

• The new semester schedule has been trying and a little exhausting.  Please pray that God gives me ability to get my work done and opportunity to rest
• As I start to find God wherever I am pray that He brings a mentor into my life to join me in this and that I will be able to trust those around me to help me through this process.
• Gilberto, one of the pastors at my church, La Restauracion,  just went Home to rest.  Pray for his family and the church body as well as the missionary family that serves there, it has been tough on them as they are grieving.
• Pray for the two families at FCC in the States: the Hackings and the McLeans.  Two automobile accidents have caused life-altering injuries to Brian and Josh. Pray that they will be find strength and have faith in the Great Physician.  Also for Ana and her two little kids--her fiance died this weekend in a motorcycle accident.  Pray for her grieving process and her kids.
• Pray for the Crew kids this week as they start to write out their testimonies and go through the process of being officially added to the crew.
• Pray for my students to adjust gracefully into the new semester and that they will set good goals and finish well.

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Melancholy Missions

There are three things I haven't done since my last post over 2 weeks ago:
1. Blogged
2. Smiled
3. Prayed

I fully intend to explain all of the things above, and I hope and pray that you will all forgive me for them all.
Before I came onto the field I was asked to read a book called Serving as Senders by Neal Pirolo  As senders & supporters, I'd definitely recommend reading it because it gives you a little glimpse into what it is like to be a missionary and how you can intentionally & specifically be praying for missionaries such as myself.  In the book they provide a pretty interesting chart which outlines and explains the ups and downs of a cross-cultural worker.  I pictured it below:

When I first looked at this chart aI was in stages B-C, and at that stage, you don't believe that the other parts are really as accurate as they say in the book.  Up until this point, I have been in stage D: The honeymoon period.  I have been enjoying the new culture, embracing new ministries, loving the newness of my students and even the unexpected adventure as a music teacher.

But as time has continued, I have begun to get annoyed with the fact that I have had to rely on others for rides or take crowded micros or feel uncomfortable when taxis honk at me as they pass.  Or shake out dust from the bottom of my sandals countless times during the day or address disrespectful students or navigate politics of a school or listen to another groaning missionary, and the list goes on.  Everything about Bolivia has started and continues to annoy me.

I want to be able to wear a coat and make snow angels.  I want to be able to drink hot chocolate without sweating; to drive my car to meet a friend for coffee.  I want to roll my eyes at people frantically shopping at the malls.  I want to be able to experience a new Christmas with Dave with my family & friends.  I want home.

I have officially entered into stage E: Cultural Stress.

Serving as Senders puts it this way:

The time that passes between these identified stages will vary according to circumstances. But as surely as night follows day, this next stage is inevitable. One morning your missionary rudely awakens to the reality that the single handle will never produce hot water! He realizes he has committed himself to circumstances that are no longer quaint; they are now weird even barbaric! The adventure of discovery has turned to the dread of "What's next?" The first bugs of dysentery keep him up all night. The fact that this is the most difficult language in the world to learn has him looking for a permanent interpreter. The first hints of persecution or the awareness that people are not going to change as easily or as rapidly as he had hoped have him asking God to "Let this cup pass from me...." The pinnacles of ecstasy have plummeted to the depths of despair. Culture stress has set in. 

Most missionaries don't want to talk about this stage of missionary life because the people back home won't think of them as "spiritual" enough if they admit to some of these trying times. It is at this time that your cross-cultural worker needs your support. Many—too many—crash here. Of course, some turn back before they leave the airport! 

I am not leaving for the airport, and I am not like most missionaries: I have vowed to be honest and forthcoming about my weaknesses and struggles, otherwise there is no reason to pray.

Simply put: I have become a melancholy missionary.  I haven't been praying or smiling for the past two weeks, and it has been absolutely miserable.  This is my time to apologize for the selfish person that I have been in the past few weeks.  I have physically been here, but my mind and my heart has not been here.

I have been reading My Utmost for His Highest since I have been here, and in the book Oswald Chambers wrote: 

We all have the trick of saying—If only I were not where I am!—If only I had not got the kind of people I have to live with! If our faith or our religion does not help us in the conditions we are in, we have either a further struggle to go through, or we had better abandon that faith and religion.

I have not been allowing my faith to get me through this season of my life that I have read about in Ecclesiastes 3.  I have not been allowing God to get me through; I have been relying on myself, and through relying on myself I have been so self-involved that I don't have room for God in my thoughts or alone-time.  I have been sleeping more and praying less; I have been faking smiles, and haven't found the time, will or energy to blog about things I have done.

1 Corinthians 7:24 says "So, brothers, in whatever condition each was called, there let him remain with God."  I have not remained or drawn near to God in this hardship that I have voluntarily been placed in, and there are so many things to be thankful for.

One of my college professors addressed all of the female college students one day when he spoke in chapel saying, "Have you ever thought that if God believed you were ready for a relationship, you would be in one?"  I feel like you could fill this statement of wisdom in with a number of things. For the season I am currently in I choose to fill in the statment saying "If God believed that I were ready to be home, I would be home."

God is not through with me yet, and I just need to draw near to Him and He will draw near to me (James 4:8).  Please pray that I will do so as I continue to search for my next steps in this ministry, and as I seek God's wisdom in order to fall in love with this ministry and Bolivia once again.

Thanks for Reading!

Rachel

PRAYER REQUESTS:

1. The Christmas Program is on Friday, and we will be prepping this entire week.  Please pray for strength, patience & perseverance for both myself and the kids.
2. Monday after school we have a Middle school crew meeting.  Pray that both Rachel Rogers and I will seek the Lord's face as we continue to iron out the details of Middle School Crew.
3. Middle School youth group i son Friday, and they will be doing things one-man short.  Pray that the kids and leaders continue to build relationships.
4. Pray for my attitude towards other missionaries & that I will find a mentor as I continue to seek one out.
5. Also pray that I will continue to seek the Lord as I continue to navigate this season of my time here in Bolivia.

I Felt Like a Teacher Today

Someone once told me that in the world of Education there are really good planners, and then there are really good teachers.  Today I felt like a really good teacher.  I'm terrible at planning.  Scope and Sequences, all of the SWBAT's or the Learning Objectives, and the deciding where students should be, setting goals, etc.  I am terrible at it, but as I continue to develop my teaching over time, I am learning that its important to plan, yes (mostly because students can see right through you if you are unprepared), but also it is important to TEACH and that its ok to abandon the plan if it doesn't pan out.  

Communication Corner of the Classroom :)

SOO needless to say, today was the first time that I actually felt like a teacher.  Up until this point I had felt like I was filling in a role that I wasn't suited for, or that it was just temporary.  I had this underlying feeling that I am not really doing what I should be doing with my life.  I just felt unsettled, unfocused, and simply disorganized and frazzled.  I felt like I was renting space in the room that I am sharing with the other English teachers, because I had been sharing a computer and I just didn't feel like I had a settled down place to call my own.

The week started out with one of my kindergarteners giving me an apple. I don't know where the concept of "teachers love apples" started, but I was overjoyed with this little kindergarten boy giving me an apple.  I'm convinced it was just part of his snack and he didn't want to eat so he thought he'd give it away, but I was so touched and it made me start to feel like a real teacher.

The Reading Corner, and my kids' Projects! :) I'm so proud of them!

I also got my bulletin board up yesterday.  The maintenance guy hung it for me, and I decorated it right away.  My 7th and 8th graders are doing the "reading race" to see which grade can read the most pages in their individual reading at home.  So far the 7th graders are smoking the 8th graders.  But I got to spend time just making a reading corner on the side of the room that I have been sharing.

THEN I got my own computer which forced me to organize my desk and my papers, so I'm all organized and ready for the new quarter.

MY NEW COMPUTER on my newly organized desk!!!

Though all of these things seem trivial, they all play a part in making me feel like a real teacher, a feeling I haven't actually had yet.  But I felt the MOST like a teacher when I experienced something in my 2nd grade music class. 

As we started to work on the song that the 2nd graders are singing (Heavenly Hallelujahs...a medley of all of the "angel carols"). I started realizing that there are SO MANY words in the song that they have never seen/heard/understood before.  They would mumble over them when they sang along with the track, and I was thinking to myself "well this is just not working...time for a new strategy."  I gave them all pencils and asked them to underline big scary words, and they did an amazing job finding the things they weren't sure about.  I had never thought to take MUSIC from a literacy standpoint before, and I was so excited that I can use my experience as an English teacher in the music world.  It was the greatest teachable moment I have experienced to this date.

I'm so thankful that God has sent me here, and that He is beginning to show me that I do belong where he leads me.  I'm thankful that he can give me glimpses of his plan to prepare me for great things.  I'm so blessed to be here in Bolivia, and I am learning to praise Him in the good, and continue to rely on Him during this feasting time.  God is allowing me to really embrace being a teacher and LOVE my job, and see that it IS my job...and my calling.

THANK YOU LORD FOR CALLING ME TO DO SOMETHING THAT I LOVE, ENJOY, AND YOU HAVE GIFTED ME IN.THANKS, GOD FOR GOOD DAYS! :)

My Crazy Rambunctious and AWESOME 7th graders :)

THANK YOU, supporters, for your continual prayers!

Rachel

Prayer Requests This Week:

• Saturday: HS Girls Progressive Dinner (Dpo and I are hosting the main meal) pray for strength and PRESENCE because I have a lot of other things to do (i.e grading) and I want to BE THERE and HOST well.
• Sunday: PRAISE for 5 new believers after Retreat this weekend in the HS! I'm soo proud of these kids and I want to pray that they continue on this Spiritual Plateau instead of plummeting after a "retreat high"
• Monday: BAPTISMAL SERVICE on Monday, November 3 for new believers in the HS and other believers that desire to be baptized...parents are invited: BIG DEAL, BIG STEPS!
• Tuesday: 2nd quarter is starting, and I have lots of planning to do for 7th and 8th grade reading classes; pray for students to desire to SUCCEED this quarter.
• Wednesday: Christmas Program is RAPIDLY approaching, pray for wisdom and attention in the elementary school, so that they memorize their songs, lines, and practice well, pray for parent and teacher involvement
• Thursday: Dpo and myself as we continue to get to know eachother as roommates
• Friday: Middle School youth group and spiritual development: They NEED Jesus to show himself to them; pray that we can continue to develop our discipleship program with the Middle School.