Without Fault

I had a great day today; a day filled with laughter, successes, challenges, and memories, but for some reason I took the short walk home feeling like a failure.  As I started to play my day back in my mind while I was packing up my things and getting ready to leave my classroom, I fell to the temptation of comparison & self-defeat.

Its interesting how often I find my worth and identity in things that do not even matter.  I have fallen victim to the attention received from praise.  Praise for a successful lesson.  Praise for relating to the kids I see everyday.  Praise for being a good missionary.  Praise for getting my lesson plans in on time or for finishing the assigned professional development book.  And when I don't receive the praise, I look at all of the areas in my life that need to be improved, and begin to do some self-examination.

Why am I not as good of a mentor as she is?
Why do my students not like me as much as her when I try so much harder?
Why am I not being a supportive enough girlfriend?
Why is it so hard for me to stay healthy or thin?
Why do I have to be good at things that I don't want to do?
Why does it seem so much easier for everyone else?

I ask myself these self-defeating questions over and over and always come to the same answer...because you're simply not good enough.  Which is true in a lot of ways.  I am not good enough.  I'm a failure.  We all are.  But that is the beauty of redemption.  The truth is I have been set free from the bondage of sin, but for some reason that bondage is so comfortable--and safe; I find myself retreating back to those lies because its easier and safer to hide behind them rather than allow others to see me for who I truly am.

One of my students accepted Christ this week, and I was overjoyed with the things she had to say.  She shared her testimony almost immediately after she accepted Christ and she said so many things, but one thing she said that I will always remember is "words are power."

This is so true.  When I teach I am able to convince my students of a lot of things.  When I listen to someone say hurtful things, those scars come up later in life.  When I say hurtful things to others I'm sure those words have enough power to scar them as well.  I just wish that I was able to listen to the most powerful words of all:

WITHOUT FAULT.  That is the part that is hard for me to grasp.  I am fully aware of the faults of myself and the people who I am around on a daily basis.  God has gifted me with an ability to see and understand the faults of others--almost to a fault (pardon the pun).

As I continue to grow and be engrossed in full-time ministry life my ability to acccept the grace of God has begun to occupy the shadow behind my constant desire for approval and the praises of man. 

Father,

Help me accept that I can never fully satisfy anyone, but I can be fully satisfied with You and you alone.  Help me learn to embrace your grace & to learn from failure rather than dwell in failure.  Teach me to see myself how you see me: blameless and without fault.

Rachel

Melancholy Missions

There are three things I haven't done since my last post over 2 weeks ago:
1. Blogged
2. Smiled
3. Prayed

I fully intend to explain all of the things above, and I hope and pray that you will all forgive me for them all.
Before I came onto the field I was asked to read a book called Serving as Senders by Neal Pirolo  As senders & supporters, I'd definitely recommend reading it because it gives you a little glimpse into what it is like to be a missionary and how you can intentionally & specifically be praying for missionaries such as myself.  In the book they provide a pretty interesting chart which outlines and explains the ups and downs of a cross-cultural worker.  I pictured it below:

When I first looked at this chart aI was in stages B-C, and at that stage, you don't believe that the other parts are really as accurate as they say in the book.  Up until this point, I have been in stage D: The honeymoon period.  I have been enjoying the new culture, embracing new ministries, loving the newness of my students and even the unexpected adventure as a music teacher.

But as time has continued, I have begun to get annoyed with the fact that I have had to rely on others for rides or take crowded micros or feel uncomfortable when taxis honk at me as they pass.  Or shake out dust from the bottom of my sandals countless times during the day or address disrespectful students or navigate politics of a school or listen to another groaning missionary, and the list goes on.  Everything about Bolivia has started and continues to annoy me.

I want to be able to wear a coat and make snow angels.  I want to be able to drink hot chocolate without sweating; to drive my car to meet a friend for coffee.  I want to roll my eyes at people frantically shopping at the malls.  I want to be able to experience a new Christmas with Dave with my family & friends.  I want home.

I have officially entered into stage E: Cultural Stress.

Serving as Senders puts it this way:

The time that passes between these identified stages will vary according to circumstances. But as surely as night follows day, this next stage is inevitable. One morning your missionary rudely awakens to the reality that the single handle will never produce hot water! He realizes he has committed himself to circumstances that are no longer quaint; they are now weird even barbaric! The adventure of discovery has turned to the dread of "What's next?" The first bugs of dysentery keep him up all night. The fact that this is the most difficult language in the world to learn has him looking for a permanent interpreter. The first hints of persecution or the awareness that people are not going to change as easily or as rapidly as he had hoped have him asking God to "Let this cup pass from me...." The pinnacles of ecstasy have plummeted to the depths of despair. Culture stress has set in. 

Most missionaries don't want to talk about this stage of missionary life because the people back home won't think of them as "spiritual" enough if they admit to some of these trying times. It is at this time that your cross-cultural worker needs your support. Many—too many—crash here. Of course, some turn back before they leave the airport! 

I am not leaving for the airport, and I am not like most missionaries: I have vowed to be honest and forthcoming about my weaknesses and struggles, otherwise there is no reason to pray.

Simply put: I have become a melancholy missionary.  I haven't been praying or smiling for the past two weeks, and it has been absolutely miserable.  This is my time to apologize for the selfish person that I have been in the past few weeks.  I have physically been here, but my mind and my heart has not been here.

I have been reading My Utmost for His Highest since I have been here, and in the book Oswald Chambers wrote: 

We all have the trick of saying—If only I were not where I am!—If only I had not got the kind of people I have to live with! If our faith or our religion does not help us in the conditions we are in, we have either a further struggle to go through, or we had better abandon that faith and religion.

I have not been allowing my faith to get me through this season of my life that I have read about in Ecclesiastes 3.  I have not been allowing God to get me through; I have been relying on myself, and through relying on myself I have been so self-involved that I don't have room for God in my thoughts or alone-time.  I have been sleeping more and praying less; I have been faking smiles, and haven't found the time, will or energy to blog about things I have done.

1 Corinthians 7:24 says "So, brothers, in whatever condition each was called, there let him remain with God."  I have not remained or drawn near to God in this hardship that I have voluntarily been placed in, and there are so many things to be thankful for.

One of my college professors addressed all of the female college students one day when he spoke in chapel saying, "Have you ever thought that if God believed you were ready for a relationship, you would be in one?"  I feel like you could fill this statement of wisdom in with a number of things. For the season I am currently in I choose to fill in the statment saying "If God believed that I were ready to be home, I would be home."

God is not through with me yet, and I just need to draw near to Him and He will draw near to me (James 4:8).  Please pray that I will do so as I continue to search for my next steps in this ministry, and as I seek God's wisdom in order to fall in love with this ministry and Bolivia once again.

Thanks for Reading!

Rachel

PRAYER REQUESTS:

1. The Christmas Program is on Friday, and we will be prepping this entire week.  Please pray for strength, patience & perseverance for both myself and the kids.
2. Monday after school we have a Middle school crew meeting.  Pray that both Rachel Rogers and I will seek the Lord's face as we continue to iron out the details of Middle School Crew.
3. Middle School youth group i son Friday, and they will be doing things one-man short.  Pray that the kids and leaders continue to build relationships.
4. Pray for my attitude towards other missionaries & that I will find a mentor as I continue to seek one out.
5. Also pray that I will continue to seek the Lord as I continue to navigate this season of my time here in Bolivia.