Without Fault

I had a great day today; a day filled with laughter, successes, challenges, and memories, but for some reason I took the short walk home feeling like a failure.  As I started to play my day back in my mind while I was packing up my things and getting ready to leave my classroom, I fell to the temptation of comparison & self-defeat.

Its interesting how often I find my worth and identity in things that do not even matter.  I have fallen victim to the attention received from praise.  Praise for a successful lesson.  Praise for relating to the kids I see everyday.  Praise for being a good missionary.  Praise for getting my lesson plans in on time or for finishing the assigned professional development book.  And when I don't receive the praise, I look at all of the areas in my life that need to be improved, and begin to do some self-examination.

Why am I not as good of a mentor as she is?
Why do my students not like me as much as her when I try so much harder?
Why am I not being a supportive enough girlfriend?
Why is it so hard for me to stay healthy or thin?
Why do I have to be good at things that I don't want to do?
Why does it seem so much easier for everyone else?

I ask myself these self-defeating questions over and over and always come to the same answer...because you're simply not good enough.  Which is true in a lot of ways.  I am not good enough.  I'm a failure.  We all are.  But that is the beauty of redemption.  The truth is I have been set free from the bondage of sin, but for some reason that bondage is so comfortable--and safe; I find myself retreating back to those lies because its easier and safer to hide behind them rather than allow others to see me for who I truly am.

One of my students accepted Christ this week, and I was overjoyed with the things she had to say.  She shared her testimony almost immediately after she accepted Christ and she said so many things, but one thing she said that I will always remember is "words are power."

This is so true.  When I teach I am able to convince my students of a lot of things.  When I listen to someone say hurtful things, those scars come up later in life.  When I say hurtful things to others I'm sure those words have enough power to scar them as well.  I just wish that I was able to listen to the most powerful words of all:

WITHOUT FAULT.  That is the part that is hard for me to grasp.  I am fully aware of the faults of myself and the people who I am around on a daily basis.  God has gifted me with an ability to see and understand the faults of others--almost to a fault (pardon the pun).

As I continue to grow and be engrossed in full-time ministry life my ability to acccept the grace of God has begun to occupy the shadow behind my constant desire for approval and the praises of man. 

Father,

Help me accept that I can never fully satisfy anyone, but I can be fully satisfied with You and you alone.  Help me learn to embrace your grace & to learn from failure rather than dwell in failure.  Teach me to see myself how you see me: blameless and without fault.

Rachel

Parables of the Unexpected

Today was a day full of the unexpected.  One by one, things happened that were simply not what I planned for, both good, and bad, and all of them taught me something...it was a day of parables. So I guess I'll tell them like that :)

Unwholesome Talk?
I had time to attend Elementary chapel today.  Now that I'm teaching the elementary kids, I have been trying to invest in and spend more time with them.  My schedule hasn't permitted it because I have been teaching K-8 classes, but God gave me some extra time to spend with them in their chapel.  They were talking about Ephesians 4:29, and not letting unwholesome talk come out of your mouths.  This was a good reminder for me today, and God actually convicted me to remember to apply this to my classroom.  Sometimes sarcasm with my students can get the best of me, and I needed to be reminded that I should control my tongue.  You never expect to be convicted in an Elementary school chapel, but God was good to me by showing me that I needed to hear what I heard.

Learning how to teach from a 12th Grader
I was BLESSED with an AWESOME (and unexpected) conversation with one of the 12th grade girls today, as well.  She was having a bad day and needed to talk, so I sat down with her and listened to her heart, struggles, and frustrations from the year.  I taught her last year when I was student teaching, and it was unbelievably encouraging to hear her talking to me about her walk with the Lord.  She showed me so much about her heart and helped me see things from a student's perspective rather than just from a teacher's perspective.

Fist Fights & Failures
I broke up my first fist fight today in one of my music classes today.  Though I was shaky and felt like crying, God gave me strength to take it and gain control over my students.  God taught me, also, that I need to start getting to know the ins and outs of upper elementary students.  I haven't figured out what to expect out of them, because I have been learning what to expect out of junior high and high school.  4th, 5th, and 6th graders are a whole different monster, and I just don't know what to do with them.  I'm praying and hoping that these students will be convicted and remorseful for their actions toward eachother, but the whole situation just made me sad.
God also taught me that I need to stop blaming myself for other people's bad choices.  Those boys chose to fight, but I was trying to figure out what it was that I did wrong in order for this to happen.  I felt like I failed as a teacher because it happened during class time.  I had a lengthy conversation with the Elementary school principal about the incident, and she spoke the truth: I cannot control the choices and decisions of others.  Fist fights are fist fights.  They'll happen whether I am there or not.  I'm thankful that God had this happen, because I think these boys will be on their way to mending their relationships, and I am now on my way towards classroom management that prevents the opportunities for these things to happen in my class.

The Perfect Prayer Partner
During prayer meeting God brought me to pray with the PERFECT person.  Ally (another single teacher) and I had both been struggling with similar issues over the past week, and I was able to pray with her about them in a real, open and safe environment.  I am so thankful for her and her heart here in Bolivia, and I can't wait to continue to develop our friendship over this next year.  God showed me through this that I am not alone--not only do I have Him, but I have friends that can come alongside me and pray me through my struggles, and bare my burdens too!

Dog Poo
I stepped on dog poop on my way to the car after prayer meeting.  I felt something on the bottom of my foot, so I put my hand down there to investigate, and got a huge chunk of poo on my hand.  I ran to the bathroom and puked after using a gallon of soap to wash my hand and shoe.  God taught me never to touch the bottom of my shoe. Ever.

Thanks for reading the parables of my day!  Also thanks for your prayers & support!

PLEASE be praying every day this week AND next week for SPIRITUAL EMPHASIS WEEK and HIGH SCHOOL RETREAT.  There is a HUGE amount of spiritual warfare going on on the SCCLC campus, and we NEED your prayers to knock down the enemy.

Thanks again!

--Rachel :)