Job Searching & Fundraising: A Comparison

Contrary to popular belief, comparison is not an essay that'd be produced from a graphic organizer shaped like a T where there are lists of things that are not like the other.  To compare means to look for similarities between two things.  In this case there are many things to list.

Throughout this summer I have not been living up to the Jersey girl standard of countless trips to the beach.  I have not been shamelessly killing skin cells by being outside for too long.  I have officially stopped sowing my wild oats, and in digging toes in the sand, I have been digging myself into every website I can find searching for teachers.  Instead of throwing my head back in the sunshine, I have been slouching over my computer editing my resume and furiously typing cover letters.  Right now I'm refusing to continue.  Instead of a cute bathing suit or hiking boots, I am wearing ugly heels that hurt my feet, business dresses and suit pants. Rather than travelling to an unknown land and embarking on new adventures, I have been pounding through school doors, meeting with administrators, and receiving polite rejections. Now, My feet hurt, My printer is out of ink, I'm running out of resume paper and I'm simply tired of attempting to walk through slamming doors.

Right about this time last year, though, I remember feeling the same feeling: the knotted-stomach-ball-in the throat-sickness that comes when I am at the absolute lowest point of the roller coaster that is fundraising.  If you are or have been a missionary you know the feeling.  When you check your account about 80 times in one day to see if MAYBE someone donated even one dollar to your trip--and always come up with the same conclusion: nothing.  When you second, third, fourth and fifth guess the decision you were once so confident the Holy Spirit prompted you to make.  Then, you receive more and more polite-but suspiciously emotionally empty responses to the letters you slaved over to make personal that simply say: I'll be praying for you.

"I'll be praying for you" why is it that those words make me feel worse instead of making me feel better?  Maybe its because its something that I tend to say when I don't know what to say.  "You're father died? I'm sorry, I'll be praying for you."  I, like so many Christians and Non-Christians, can easily read beneath the surface of an empty comment.  I can tell when people are genuine, and so often I'm not genuine when I say something like that.  OR I am genuine and pray for them right then and there in my head, but forget about it later.  Somehow we as a Church need to be more supportive--maybe its starts with our vocabulary. BUT that is a different subject for a different time.

Anyway, the feeling that I had last summer is creeping back up in me again.  The feeling of failure--that I am unable to do this.  I looked back on a few of my blogs from last summer and I am reminded of this one. Titled: "Pouty Obedience." I likened my feelings to that of Jonah.  My thought was that Jonah was probably raising support to be a missionary when he decided to flee to Ninevah instead of following what God wanted him to do.  Its funny.  I am in a completely different season of life, and SURE that God told me that I need to be in the States for now--SURE that I am supposed to find a job, and I was once SURE that I will find one.  But Ninevah is still calling my name.  Ironically, in my twisted head, Ninevah is the mission field.  It would be easier to simply go back to Bolivia--to the familiar, and I'm sure they'd welcome me. BUT...

No, I am not raising support to go back to the mission field.  I am staying home.
No, I am not entering full-time ministry.  I am searching for a job.
No, I am not saving the world.  I am entering the American 9-5 lifestyle.
And that is ok.  I'm choosing to obey in a different way.

But now I find myself being thankful that God is stretching me even now--through this experience of the job search.  Its causing me to want to give up.  Its causing me to feel like a failure.  But in His grace, God reminded me that He raised all that money after I was feeling these same feelings one year ago.  He is reminding me that if He was able to do that, get me through a year of constant challenge, guide me every step of the way of my life--surely He is big enough to find me a job.

God is showing me that the roller coaster that is support raising is not isolated to just that. It is one that continues even after its done, even after the mission is done.  There are always going to be lows and highs of every aspect of life.  It is not simply isolated to specific areas--its continual.  That is why there is a goal to be reached at the end of it all--Basking in His eternal Glory.

When Paul wrote to the Corinthians about the sufficiency of God's grace.  He was bold enough to not only embrace the grace of God, but to BOAST in His weaknesses.  In my case, I have a whole lot to boast about.  The feeling of inadequacy continues to surface, and instead of embracing God's grace--I dwell on my weakness, and that is when the the knotted-stomach-ball-in the throat-sickness that comes when I am at the absolute lowest point of the roller coaster begins to be stronger than ever.

Well, the pit feeling isn't gone.  The feeling of failure surely isn't gone.  The pressure still remains.  But instead of wallowing, I am choosing to surrender.  He's got this.  His plan is perfect.  My weakness is His power, and its perfect. He is perfect.

But He said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you

The Chase of the Blue Butterfly

A few teachers and I decided to escape Santa Cruz a couple weekends ago and take a short trip up to Samaipata.  Our friend, Kaitlyn, hadn't been yet, and we were all in the mood to get away, so we embraced spontanaity, and escaped normalcy.

almost got a glimpse

During our trip we went to visit Las Cuevas (local waterfalls), all of us had been there except for Kaitlyn, so it was extremely familiar.  (click here for pictures from my previous visit), but this time, we saw a what seemed like a million butterflies.  They were everywhere.  I was able to snap quite a few photos of different types of butterflies, but we could not get a photo of the blue butterfly that all of us found incredibly beautiful.  But it was also the most excited of the butterflies--meaning it just wouldn't stay still long enough for us to get a good photo.  So, I prayed about it, thinking WHY NOT?  I'm sure God would get the butterfly still enough to take a picture.

Still chasing that butterfly!

Well, we chased that blue butterfly all over those mountains, and at some points we swore that it was following us, but no photo.  By the end of our trip when we all had given up hope.  That blue butterfly was just as tired as we were, because it simply perched on a branch just in time for us to shoot a perfect picture. Then he fluttered away, never to be seen again.

This experience reminded me of the story in 2 Kings 6 of Elisha and the axe head.  One of Elisha's men borrowed an axe, and foolishly swung it hard enough for it to sink down to the bottom of the river.  He had a minor freakout and Elisha came to the rescue.  Elisha had faith enough in God to trust Him to restore the axe head to his man, and threw a stick into the water.  The axe head then floated to the surface and all was happy.  This is such a ridiculous story that is a simple picture of trusting God in the little things. Right after this little seemingly insignificant story happened, the contrast of God blinding all of Samaria so they could be sieged and conquered occured.  I'm not sure which of the two stories is a better example of God's power.

There are countless and continual instances when the prayers we have seem too small or too unnecessary for God to care to do anything about them.  But that is not how this God we serve runs things.  No matter how small or insignificant we think the little prayers we have are, He cares about the details of our lives.  Not only that, he doesn't allow himself to be distracted by the little things.  It all fits into His big plan.

in the middle of our picture we thought we saw the butterfly

Today, in reverence, we remember the cross.  The large action that He took for our lives.  But this large action is nothing without the details.  Have you ever stopped and looked at the teeny tiny details of His crucifixcion?  I cannot do it without welling up in tears, but every single stripe on His back was planned.  The drips of blood from his brow? Planned.  The spear in his side, the meaningful words He uttered, the convicted hearts on that day, the time of day, the way in which he was killed?  Planned.

True joy is when we are confident that He is involved in the details of our lives and comforted that the details are necessary to fill the big picture.  The master of the Universe, the God who could kill me in an instant but chose to send His son to die in my place cares enough to bless me with a detail.  If things made sense He would only be transcendant and not accessible, but He is and always will be.  The unexplainable combination of extremes: the big things and the little things--should cause us to crumble in Fear and awe and wonder.

 

I'm more than positive that on the scale of importance, our blue butterfly ranked lower than even the axe head in the Jordan River, and that is not saying much.  Despite all of that, I know that God appreciated our desire to enjoy God's creation, and amongst the chase we did.  He showed us beautiful waterfalls that overwhelmed us, he gave us moments of solitude, and lots of time to fellowship together & bond.

Moral of the story: no prayer is too small for God to answer or too insignificant for Him to care.

Here are some more photos from our time up in Samaipata:

A picture to make my mom squeal in fear :)

All four of us in the doorway of our house!

Walking over one of the bridges along the road :)

{prayer requests}

• SCCLC Teaching
• Praise God for another quarter finishing, there is one quarter left, and we are in the home stretch!
• Pray for the students as the year is starting to wind down.  Pray that they stay focused and that those whose grades are low bring their grades up, and that they are also looking toward God for their approval.
• Pray for me as this year is starting to come to a close.  Pray that I don't check out, but make every single day count for something.  Pray that I am still focusing on my purpose here, and to allow my mind to be HERE and not at home.
• Pray for the school, next year, many teachers are leaving, which leaves a lot of holes in the staff and faculty.  The biggest hole, being in the English department.  Pray that recruiting happens and hearts are seeking opportunities here.
• Seussical the Musical: 
• I have been asked to be in charge of the soloist and ensemble in the musical at the SCCLC this Spring.  I'm fighting a whole bunch of feelings of inadequacy, and I could use prayer for God to show up in me and through me as I lead the kids in the musical.
• Pray for Emily Barlow as she is directing the whole show and is going to need a lot of guidance from God through the entire quarter.
• Pray also for the adults that are playing (and still deciding to play) in the orchestra.  Pray that they are willing to practice and serve in this unique way.
• MSCrew
• Praise God A new student just applied and was accepted into MSCrew: Veronica! She is a recent believer, but she is a firecracker with a lot of potential.  Pray that she will continue to grow closer and closer to God, and that MSCrew will be part of that growth.
• Pray that I actually wake up on Thursday mornings, and I am ready to lead my kids, but I allow them to lead as well.
• Pray for the kids in MSCrew: Grace, Shekinah, Benji, Luke, Lucas, Veronica, and Heyli.  I'm really impressed and excited that they are committing to be leaders at the SCCLC.
• They have committed to leading an Elementary Chapel next month, pray as they prepare to serve the Elementary students in this fun and exciting way
• Discipleship
• PRAISE God that I have started to be mentored by co-missionary and dear friend, Johanna.  This is a HUGE answer to prayer, and I am anxious to see how God uses myself in her life, and how we build eachother up in the Lord.
• Pray for her as she listens, and guides me in my struggles, but also for me that I am honoring God through our conversations--and that I am able to be transparent: something that is a struggle and challenge for me.
• Pray for the single ladies Bible study she has just started within our mission.  We are meeting on Thursdays and Saturdays throughout the month.  Pray for Johanna as she leads.

Beyond the Classroom

As I start to see that this year is in the down slope, I'm thrilled to see that God has used my students to teach me lessons probably more than I actually teach them anything.  I figured I'd list and explain some of these lessons that I learned from the past couple weeks.

I am not needed.
As you know I have been leading the Middle School Crew.  We have been meeting before school every Thursday morning, and I've been really excited to be privileged to work with them and lead the Middle School.  I have been so excited that I have felt an extra responsibility and pressure to be sure that I am everything a Spiritual Leader should be: reliable, a good listener, a faithful servant, etc. etc.
Well this last Thursday, I slept through my alarm and didn't make it to our morning meeting.  I woke up thinking and whispering in superlatives (not one of my finer moments in life), and I was so disappointed in myself assuming that they were going to be so upset with me, and wouldn't bee able to function without me.
How PRIDEFUL! I apologized to all of them individually, and they all said something along the lines of "it's ok miss, we read the Bible on our own and shared our favorite verses.  We also came up with a theme for the Elementary chapel we are going to do this semester.  Then we prayed for the week and talked about life."
How awesome is it that a bunch of 12 and 13 year old kids don't need a teacher to tell them what or how to be good leaders?  I'm so proud of them, and so humbled to know that I am not needed for the Holy Spirit to do awe-inspiring and wonderful things in His children.

My MSCrew kids!  Lucas, Grace, Aram, Benji, Heyli, Shekinah, and Luke

I am not perfect.
I have one student that tends to correct me every single time I am wrong.  I laugh almost every time and remind her that no one is perfect.  I think she will become an amazing teacher one day.  But she is one of the students that God uses to teach me that I can never be good enough on my own.  I cannot do the teaching thing alone, and I need to constantly be trusting God to get me through.

I am not favored.
I had an amazing conversation with another teacher, and Mom of one of my students. This whole year I had the feeling she had been avoiding me, and I didn't understand why.  I got the strange feeling that she didn't like me, and I was puzzled as to what I had done to offend her.
It turns out that she was one of the parents that wasn't happy with my returning to the SCCLC.  I was inimidated by her from the beginning, but I have always loved having her child in my class.  Long story, short, she told me that her daughter really loves my class and that she appreciates what I have been doing this year.  She told me she wasn't happy with me being here and didn't think that her daughter would be learning in my class at all, but she was really impressed with me and RESPECTS me as a teacher.
Though I do not do what I do in order to be praised, it was really humbling and nice to be on the receiving end of some praise.  It was nice to be told by a seasoned teacher that I am doing a good job, and that she is thankful for me.  All because of her daughter sharing with her mom about my class.  It was nice to be appreciated by someone who does not favor me.

I am loved.
I caught one of my students making fun of me in an extremely cruel way during one of my classes.  Because of my lack of experience in this, I just ignored it and kept on teaching, though I was distracted.
I was so surprised at how this little act of teenage cruelty would affect my day so much.  After a good cry, I approached the student toward the end of the day, and I made it known that teachers have feelings too, and that he should think about that the next time he decides he wants to make fun of someone.
I know that I probably didn't get through to this student, but I was able to be real, open, and honest with him.  Afterwards, I got so frustrated with myself for allowing a student to hurt me in such a way.  It brought me back to my own days in Middle School where the kids were so vicious and I was on both the receiving and giving end of bullying.  But I always remember and reminded myself of the fact that  I am loved by someone who could have chosen to be a bully when he was on this Earth, and had the right to be more than anyone else, but he didn't. Jesus chose love.  He chose to forgive, and to give love, grace, and compassion.
I'm thankful for the students that make fun of me; it reminds me that I am loved by the One that matters, and he sent people that matter to love me as well.

All of these lessons that God has taught me over this time here are just the icing on the cake of an incredible year so far.  Yesterday marked 99 days until I come home.  I am officially in the double digits, and I'm trying not to anxiously await that day.  God is showing me how important it is to continually allow myself to learn more and more about Him by allowing Him to show me more and more about myself.  Its an extremely difficult thing to allow, but I'm becoming more of the woman He made me to be in the process.

Continually thankful for His unending grace,

Rachel

{prayer requests}

• SCCLC Teaching
• Pray for me as this year is starting to come to a close.  Pray that I don't check out, but make every single day count for something.  Pray that I am still focusing on my purpose here, and to allow my mind to be HERE and not at home.
• Pray for the remainder of the year, that I am able to fulfill my responsibilities as both an English and Music teacher, and that the students continue to learn from me both academically and spiritually.
• Seussical the Musical: 
• I have been asked to be in charge of the soloist and ensemble in the musical at the SCCLC this Spring.  I'm fighting a whole bunch of feelings of inadequacy, and I could use prayer for God to show up in me and through me as I lead the kids in the musical.
• Pray for Emily Barlow as she is directing the whole show and is going to need a lot of guidance from God through the entire quarter.
• MSCrew
• Pray that I actually wake up on Thursday mornings, and I am ready to lead my kids, but I allow them to lead as well.
• Pray for the kids in MSCrew: Grace, Shekinah, Benji, Luke, Lucas, and Heyli.  I'm really impressed and excited that they are committing to be leaders at the SCCLC.
• Pray for myself as I lead them through this semester and learn how to disciple others. Pray that I will be discipling them well.
• Pray as this year is on the down-swing, that the students (and I) will adjust to change as I prepare to leave.
• Discipleship
• PRAISE God that I have started to be mentored by co-missionary and dear friend, Johanna.  This is a HUGE answer to prayer, and I am anxious to see how God uses myself in her life, and how we build eachother up in the Lord.
• Pray for her as she listens, and guides me in my struggles, but also for me that I am honoring God through our conversations--and that I am able to be transparent: something that is a struggle and challenge for me.
• Pray for the single ladies Bible study we have just started within our mission.  We are meeting on Thursdays and Saturdays throughout the month.  Pray for Johanna as she leads that.

Without Fault

I had a great day today; a day filled with laughter, successes, challenges, and memories, but for some reason I took the short walk home feeling like a failure.  As I started to play my day back in my mind while I was packing up my things and getting ready to leave my classroom, I fell to the temptation of comparison & self-defeat.

Its interesting how often I find my worth and identity in things that do not even matter.  I have fallen victim to the attention received from praise.  Praise for a successful lesson.  Praise for relating to the kids I see everyday.  Praise for being a good missionary.  Praise for getting my lesson plans in on time or for finishing the assigned professional development book.  And when I don't receive the praise, I look at all of the areas in my life that need to be improved, and begin to do some self-examination.

Why am I not as good of a mentor as she is?
Why do my students not like me as much as her when I try so much harder?
Why am I not being a supportive enough girlfriend?
Why is it so hard for me to stay healthy or thin?
Why do I have to be good at things that I don't want to do?
Why does it seem so much easier for everyone else?

I ask myself these self-defeating questions over and over and always come to the same answer...because you're simply not good enough.  Which is true in a lot of ways.  I am not good enough.  I'm a failure.  We all are.  But that is the beauty of redemption.  The truth is I have been set free from the bondage of sin, but for some reason that bondage is so comfortable--and safe; I find myself retreating back to those lies because its easier and safer to hide behind them rather than allow others to see me for who I truly am.

One of my students accepted Christ this week, and I was overjoyed with the things she had to say.  She shared her testimony almost immediately after she accepted Christ and she said so many things, but one thing she said that I will always remember is "words are power."

This is so true.  When I teach I am able to convince my students of a lot of things.  When I listen to someone say hurtful things, those scars come up later in life.  When I say hurtful things to others I'm sure those words have enough power to scar them as well.  I just wish that I was able to listen to the most powerful words of all:

WITHOUT FAULT.  That is the part that is hard for me to grasp.  I am fully aware of the faults of myself and the people who I am around on a daily basis.  God has gifted me with an ability to see and understand the faults of others--almost to a fault (pardon the pun).

As I continue to grow and be engrossed in full-time ministry life my ability to acccept the grace of God has begun to occupy the shadow behind my constant desire for approval and the praises of man. 

Father,

Help me accept that I can never fully satisfy anyone, but I can be fully satisfied with You and you alone.  Help me learn to embrace your grace & to learn from failure rather than dwell in failure.  Teach me to see myself how you see me: blameless and without fault.

Rachel

Hello, My Name is: Sid the Sloth

Sometimes I like speaking with a lisp like Sid the Sloth in Ice Age.  It makes me chuckle, and sometimes it makes others chuckle, but its mostly for self amusement.  I did realize, however that this week I was given the opportunity to become more like Sid the Sloth than his lisping speech.  I was actually adopting the actions of a sloth.

Unexpectedly, the combination of other Mission board meetings, the Bolivian census as well the Thanksgiving holiday gave myself and the rest of the SCCLC teachers and students the week off.  I had been itching to get out of Santa Cruz and surround myself with beautiful views, so I went with seven other teachers on an adventure in Samaipata from Friday to Monday, a little mountain town outside of the city.  We did a bunch of day hikes, swam under some waterfalls, and discovered Incan ruins.  It was a beautiful and restful time.

The ladies all swimming at Las Cuevas.  It took a lot of energy to take this photo.

Seeking shelter behind the waterfall at Las Cuevas in Samaipata, Bolivia.

The breathtaking view on the top of El Fuerte.

our BEST jumping picture of the group of us.

at El Fuerte, the Incan ruins outside of Samaipata

Swingset at the top of El Pueblito

Tuesday we returned, and we were required to be in our homes on the day of the Census (Wednesday) which was also my roommate, Dpo's, birthday so we celebrated with a Back to the Future marathon.  This is when the slothfulness started for me.  We ate cake, lasagna, tacos, and more cake whilst sitting, watching movies, and talking.

Dpo & her birthday cake :)

Then came Thursday.  the SAMily decided to postpone Thanksgiving dinner to Friday in case the Census wasn't finished, so we had another day at home.  I developed a bit of cabin fever so myself and another teacher went to a cute little store called Casa Ideas, and walked around a bit.  Then I came home and started watching my new show of obsession: Prison Break (only recommended if you have a lot of time on your hands).  Then all of a sudden it was 3am and Thursday had come and gone.

Then it was Friday: our Thanksgiving feast day: The ULTIMATE slothful holiday.  Where its ok to eat massive amounts of food and sit because we are giving thanks!  I managed to celebrate the right way.  Thank God. Eat. Thank others. Eat. Thank God more. Sleep. Wake up. Eat. Sleep.

Saturday was like any other Saturday: sleep until 2pm, read, and watch a movie (in this case it was Prison Break).  I did manage to talk to a few friends on Skype, though! :)

All this to say: I was Sid the Sloth this week.  I knew I needed some rest from school and from the everyday life that tends to empty me of energy, but this was a little too extreme.  I was like a high schooler on Christmas vacation.  It was unhealthy rest.

God has shown me a little of my heart this week: if given the chance to be lazy I will be lazy.  If given the chance to slack off, I will slack off.  I went to church today with the expectation to be fed, and I was disappointed.  In my mind I started blaming the church itself and getting frustrated that I feel like I am never fed at church here in Bolivia because of the language barrier.  But God showed me that it was ME that was the problem, not the church.  My mind wasn't in the right place to receive the Word of the Lord; it wasn't even close.  I hadn't spent time with God in so long that it was as if I was listening for a stranger's voice to tell me what I wanted to hear.

Proverbs 12:11 says "Slothfulness casts into a deep sleep, and an idle person will suffer hunger."

I was in a deep sleep, and I was definitely suffering hunger.  I was not taking care of myself spiritually.
This entire week I slacked off and became idle.  I forgot to spend all that extra time I was given with the One who gave it to me.  I know that it is not a sin to rest in Him, but I need to learn what that looks like.  How to wisely spend my time with God so that I can continue to be fed by His Word and words.  Pray that I will learn how to rest in HIM in a healthy and Godly way, rather than in an unhealthy self-gaining way.  Pray that I will run away from the attractive temptation to become Sid the Sloth.

Thanks for your prayers and support!

Rachel

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

PRAYER REQUESTS FOR THIS WEEK:

• CHRISTMAS PROGRAM (Dec. 14th)
• PLEASE pray that all of the kids will be excited but FOCUSED as the program is rapidly approaching
• Pray that those with LINES will study hard so that they will have their lines memorized
• Pray for the behind the scene details will come together
• Pray for MY focus and sanity as I direct everyone, that I will rely on God's strength not my own
• YOUTH GROUP
• Pray that those that are part of the Crew meetings will continue to seek God in the decisions we make for the rules and expectations of Crew.
• Pray that God will give te Junior Highers opportunities to share and receive the Gospel.
• Pray that MORE Junior Highers will desire to come to youth group and be part of the crowd.
• SCCLC
• Pray that the students and teachers will work diligently to catch up and get re-focused after such a long break
• Pray for those students finishing up their homework tonight; that they will stay focused and work well
• Pray for the rest of this quarter as Christmas is coming up that we will be able to live each day to the fullest rather than just survive until the end.
• PERSONAL
• Pray that I can learn how to REST in Him, rather than in my own selfish gain
• Pray that I will find myself a mentor here in Bolivia so that I can continue to be lifted up and to grow.
• Pray that I can continue to develop my relationships with the other teachers outside of school.
• Pray for opportunities to build relationships with my students.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Cycle of Unforgiveness

This week I have been teaching my 7th graders about Point of View.  I used a cup that had liquid filled half way, and asked the students to decide whether they saw the glass as half full or half empty.  The class was pulled in different directions deciding on which was right or wrong.  But the truth is, both perspectives were right, just one might have been more optimistic than the other. Perspective is always a huge part of human interaction.  The same story can be told in so many different ways simply by point of view.  But at the end of the day, the Omniscient One is the only one that knows the complete truth, and we are simply called to seek that truth.

When I was in 5th grade, I got in an argument with one of my friends.  I don't even remember what the fight was about, but I know that it was most likely not worth the hours and hours (which seemed like days in a 5th grade mind) of time that we did not speak to eachother.  Eventually I broke my wall of pride down and apologized, but my friend did NOT want to hear it.  She refused my apology.  I was apalled.  HOW could someone not forgive my sincerest apology?  HOW could someone be so proud and mean!?  How could someone make me feel so small and worthless?

I have always accepted God grace for myself.  I know myself well enough to see that I do not deserve the supernatural grace that God has given me willingly.  Ever since I was a small girl I have learned the truth of His mercy.  Through so many avenues God has taught me about His ultimate sacrfice: the wordless book, diarammas in Sunday School, countless altar calls, bible songs accompanied by intense sign language..and many many more.  But I never really and truly grasped the grace and mercy of God until I saw that I needed it: when it wasn't given to me willingly by those who I desperately wanted it from.

As I look back on the dramatic argument of 5th grade, I'm starting to see it from my friend's perspective.  I see why it might have been that she refused to forgive me.  I see why it is that she didn't want to be involved in my life.  I betrayed her.  I hurt her.  I made her feel small and worthless.  God had already forgiven me for the things that I said and did to her, but all I cared about was the fact that she DIDN'T forgive me.

How often do I see myself on both sides of this scenario.  Wanting desperately for someone to forgive me, and then on the other side: too prideful to forgive.  Such is the neverending cycle of unforgiveness that so many of us fall into, and honestly I have fallen into it.

I hurt so I hurt someone else.
I'm not forgiven, so I don't forgive.

Why is it that my flesh wins time and time again?  Thank you, Lord, for showing me my heart.
God teach me how to see, know, and remember that your grace is enough

Please be praying for me this week as I learn how to forgive as well as how to be far from home.

Rachel