Breathing Emptyness

I have asthma.  When you have asthma its like you are breathing emptyness.  Like you are putting forth all of this work but nothing really gets through.  Your lungs don't fill with oxygen no matter how hard or deep you breathe, nothing works.  The air is blocked until you reach for an inhaler that clears the passage.  I can't even describe the feeling that comes once the Albuterol medicine passes through my esophogus.  Its like freedom.  Like I'm able to breathe again.  Like I'm no longer breathing emptyness.

Lately I have felt like a fish out of water.  I have felt less and less equipped to finish this journey that God has set into motion here in Bolivia.  Like I'm stuck and putting forth the effort, but not really doing it successfully.  Like nothing I do or try to do is running the machine.  I'm suffocating.  I have been existing with a half-here mind.  Its not like I am not trying to do well.  Its not like I'm not fulfilling my expectations, but I'm not here.  I'm not in Bolivia--in my mind.

This past weekend, a group of about 20 students went to the plaza to share their testimonies with strangers.  God used them in mighty mighty ways, and they were overjoyed and fired up about the experience. If I gave you a list of the Spiritual gifts I posses that list would not include evangelism.  That fact paired with my broken Spanish could tell you how comfortable I was on this adventure throughout the plaza.  How encouraging it was, though, to be able to witness the movement of the Holy Spirit in these kids.  They were energized by their conversations and I watched their faces light up as they shared their stories.  I watched them praying over the broken people they were talking to, and I got to capture their excitement in some of the photos.

All of these kids were scared, but they were given boldness to share the truth of the Word which turned into an excitement and a viral joy.  The plaza was changed on Saturday morning, and we were the movers and shakers that made that change.  Some of these kids are normally timid and fearful of the people that surround them and love them daily.  All of them were out of their comfort zones, but lives were changed because they obeyed--and they were relying on God to get them through.

Through this experience and others this week, God has shown me quite a few things about my heart.  One very important one: it doesn't beat without my Creator.  No matter how hard I try, I cannot breathe on my own.  Without the breath of the Holy Spirit, this relationship that I am in with the Creator of the Universe does not work.  Without Christ: the Albuterol of it all, I cannot function or expect to do His work--whether my intentions are pure or not.  God is showing me that I need Him now more than ever.  I am an asthmatic in the middle of an asthma attack, and I need my Savior.

The next few weeks are ones that are filled with draining days, long hours, and lots of work.  We have almost no days off until the end of the school year, and lots and lots of things to get done.  This is a time when the enemy likes to seek and destroy.  I would like you to join me in praying for the SCCLC: both teachers and students.  Pray that we stay strong, and finish well.  Pray for those teachers like myself that are leaving this year, that we will be able to transition gracefully back to the States.  Pray for the Seniors and their end-of-the-year decisions.  Pray for strength for today and bright hopes for tomorrow, and that we will continue to choose joy throughout the remainder of the year.

Thanks for you continued prayers & support.

Rachel

The Cycle of Unforgiveness

This week I have been teaching my 7th graders about Point of View.  I used a cup that had liquid filled half way, and asked the students to decide whether they saw the glass as half full or half empty.  The class was pulled in different directions deciding on which was right or wrong.  But the truth is, both perspectives were right, just one might have been more optimistic than the other. Perspective is always a huge part of human interaction.  The same story can be told in so many different ways simply by point of view.  But at the end of the day, the Omniscient One is the only one that knows the complete truth, and we are simply called to seek that truth.

When I was in 5th grade, I got in an argument with one of my friends.  I don't even remember what the fight was about, but I know that it was most likely not worth the hours and hours (which seemed like days in a 5th grade mind) of time that we did not speak to eachother.  Eventually I broke my wall of pride down and apologized, but my friend did NOT want to hear it.  She refused my apology.  I was apalled.  HOW could someone not forgive my sincerest apology?  HOW could someone be so proud and mean!?  How could someone make me feel so small and worthless?

I have always accepted God grace for myself.  I know myself well enough to see that I do not deserve the supernatural grace that God has given me willingly.  Ever since I was a small girl I have learned the truth of His mercy.  Through so many avenues God has taught me about His ultimate sacrfice: the wordless book, diarammas in Sunday School, countless altar calls, bible songs accompanied by intense sign language..and many many more.  But I never really and truly grasped the grace and mercy of God until I saw that I needed it: when it wasn't given to me willingly by those who I desperately wanted it from.

As I look back on the dramatic argument of 5th grade, I'm starting to see it from my friend's perspective.  I see why it might have been that she refused to forgive me.  I see why it is that she didn't want to be involved in my life.  I betrayed her.  I hurt her.  I made her feel small and worthless.  God had already forgiven me for the things that I said and did to her, but all I cared about was the fact that she DIDN'T forgive me.

How often do I see myself on both sides of this scenario.  Wanting desperately for someone to forgive me, and then on the other side: too prideful to forgive.  Such is the neverending cycle of unforgiveness that so many of us fall into, and honestly I have fallen into it.

I hurt so I hurt someone else.
I'm not forgiven, so I don't forgive.

Why is it that my flesh wins time and time again?  Thank you, Lord, for showing me my heart.
God teach me how to see, know, and remember that your grace is enough

Please be praying for me this week as I learn how to forgive as well as how to be far from home.

Rachel