Middle School Mind

This is a Toborochi tree--one of the beautiful pieces of Bolivia that I will miss.

I think I might write a book on this someday..if I ever decide to get a Doctorate in Psychology...(yeah right).  That aside, this is about as far as my psychological studies go: the middle school mind.

Let's begin.  Here is my theory: whenever someone is dealing with a dramatic life change or transition, that person gets what I like to call "middle-school-mind." Think about it! When was the first time of transition in your life? MIDDLE SCHOOL.  My theory is pretty much that our minds subconciously revert back to the trauma of Middle School when we reach another big place of transition.  It is just that we THINK we handle it differently, but we don't. We return to whatever trauma we dealt with in Middle School and respond exactly the same way.

Last week, my 7th Graders finished The Hobbit and their final
project was a board game

When I was in Middle School, I went through a lot of phases.  Looking back on it, I could label the entire phase-bounce with one word: awkward.  I bounced back in forth between friends: I experimented in a lot of areas to figure out my identity--the skaters, the jocks, the drama-geeks, the bandies, back to the skaters, the goth kids, and so forth. I searched and searched for a place I belonged.  It wasn't until I realized that I had too many hobbies and liked too many people to settle on and with one group of individuals.  So I celebrated each clique and was aquaintances with them all.  As I transitioned into High School, I continued the same pattern, and even into college.

I could probably count on one hand the amount of close friends I acquired over the years; because what started out as loving everyone equally--became shutting people out.  I realized quickly that friends are seasonal and the seasons were shorter than I thought.  I started walking through life alone because my only constants were myself, God, and my family.  I still have this same tendency: the belief that I am alone--something that this experience in Bolivia has, and continues to beat out of my mind--or validate, depending on the day.

THIS is why Middle School is probably the MOST VALUABLE ministry there is.  Ok that might be a blanket statement, but hear me out.  How differently would you have acted in Middle School had someone come alongside of you to help you think through your crazyness and learn how to deal with it?  When you went through that concrete thought-abstract thought transition--how awesome would it have been to have someone help you understand your own mind?  This is the reason I love Middle Schoolers.  Yes, they can be a little difficult to deal with, but aren't we all when we cannot figure out what is up or down or how to handle it.  I wish that someone would have told me and been there for me through the transition.  I wish someone would have grained the fact that relationships matter--and that I should hold on to those I love.

These 7th graders made all of Mirkwood out of Legos! :)

If you think back to your middle school experience, I'm sure that you all have incredibly loaded stories, and I'm sure you could analyze your middle school mind and see a pattern. Learning what your true identity is usually is the biggest part of it.  What is it that we are searching for again when we are going through the transition that is college?  What is my major?  How will I fit in society?  What about when we graduate from college?  Where am I going to find a job?  How will I pay these bills?  Why did I major in that?  I haven't felt the pressures of the transition into marriage and family, but I'm sure there is still some kind of middle school mind in there somewhere.

My point is this: Life is rickety security between awkward transitions.  Middle school is when we first learn how to transition.  So if we don't teach that basic life skill to the middle schoolers in our lives, we are raising citizens that will not know how to embrace transition and allow it to be something that they can look forward to.

All that to say, I currently have middle school mind.  My mind is in a million places at once: attempting to process through my year as a teacher, as a missionary, as a friend, as a colleague, as a mentor...attempting to still embrace the moments I still have in those roles, but also attempting to let go of those roles and begin to transition and prepare myself for my role-shift to the States.  I'm in the middle of an identity crisis and my awkward transitional phase is taking over my mind.

I loved how unique they were.
This group's looked like Candy Land

God has been comforting me with the passage in Ecclesiastes 3 that reminds me that this awkward stage is one of the seasons--not just an unidentifiable time between the seasons: "a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing."  God has shown me that transition is a necessary part of His plan.  The very act of Him molding and shaping us--sanctification is a constant and awkward place of transition.  Throughout His Word, he continually commands us to enjoy the work He has given us.  To "run the race" to serve one another in Love.  This is our lot in life, and He, through His grace, uses it to mold us into ones worthy of this calling.

Middle School is awkward.  Its a time where we are unsure if we are alone in our confusion or if others are in the same place.  We aren't sure if we can ask for help.  We aren't sure if people want to help.  Its a time of questions without answers that you like.  A time of searching for something invisible.  A time of identity confusion, and time where your minds turn to sponges.  We are all going through points in our lives where we have this middle school mind, and God simply wants us to embrace HIM as not only the author of the big story, but the revisor and editor and publisher of it all--including our small part in the Narrative.  We just have to get through Middle School--not just to get through, but embrace the moments by having the attitude that He is molding us as He prepares us for eternal glory.

Thanks for reading & your continual support.

Rachel

{prayer requests}

{SCCLC}

• End of the Year: kids {and teachers} get really hyper and unfocused this time of year.  Pray that they continue to love eachother and embrace the moments they have for the end of the year.
• Finals: pray for finals week (next week) that the students remember what they have studied and that the teachers are able to finish grading
• Seniors: pray for them as they hit graduation & also develop their transitional middle school minds this summer in their endeavors, whether college or not

{MSCrew}

• Pray for the kids this summer.  That they continue to grow spiritually & that they continue to lead & serve their school as the next year approached.
• Pray for the students who have disciplers that are leaving.  This is a VERY hard thing for kids to be ok with--a lot of people and not much consistency. Pray that God brings more good spiritual leaders into their lives, and that their relationships with us will continue to grow across oceans.
• PRAISE for their successful chapel time--photos to come...they did an excellent job, and I'm extremely proud of them!

{Personal}

• Transition into the States: pray that I will "laugh at the future" (Prov. 31:25) and that God will ease my anxiety about what is to come.
• I need a VEHICLE when I return to the States--pray that I will find one--and financially be able to work that out.
• I'm looking for a job for next school year.  Please pray that as I interview--the right door will be opened and the wrong ones will be closed.  Pray for patience & faith in this process as well.
• Pray for the remainder of my time here.  That I will embrace my time, and not allow myself to "worry about tomorrow."

My Ice Cream Puddle

What is your favorite flavor of ice cream? Cup or cone? Sprinkles?  Cookie crumbs?  Dipped in chocolate?  What is the combination that just makes your mouth water when you order it from the Drive-in--the one you always order?  For me its simple: soft-serve vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles in a waffle cone.  Yum.  

Well imagine ordering it--with a perfect triple-swirl and the sprinkles of every color covering every surface of frigid ice cream that patiently sits on the fresh waffle cone waiting to be devoured.  Mouth watering?  Well now imagine tripping over a rock and watching, in slow motion, that perfect ice cream cone crashing to the ground and immediately becoming a swirling and melting rainbow puddle.  Now imagine a small dog coming up and licking that puddle.  To add a little irony to this unfortunate insult, add some pouring down rain.

That was my week.

I was born a natural pessimist.  Can you tell?  I simply enjoy wallowing in the negative aspects of life.  This skill raised to an artform throughout my teen years when I, like most teens in the world, was convinced that my parents and everyone else in the world, who couldn't possibly understand what I was going through, had one goal: to ruin my life.  I remember countless arguments with my parents over the silliest things that seemed to be the most important things in the world at the time--its funny that I don't remember any of the actual topics of the arguments, just that they took place.

As I have slowly grown in maturity, those optimists that I once loathed, because they ruined my pity parties and made me feel this size of a bean whenever I would wallow in the negative, became intriguing to me.  You know the people I'm talking about: the ones who could find sunbeams during a thunderstorm, or could find something positive to say about a tone-deaf person singing an Aretha Franklin song, or could be excited for the dog who gets to lick their just-spilled-not-yet-eaten puddle of ice cream with sprinkles off the ground.  Those people are so amazing to me--when I WANT to climb on board of their happy train.  When I don't feel so positive, I want to ring there necks with their sunbeams and compliments, scoop up the ice cream puddle and throw it their face.

Over time, though, I have seen that optimism is such an attractive quality to have.  Biblically the word is joy.  As an English teacher, I like to find synonyms for simple words.  My favorite is "rapture" to be "in rapture" would be to have overwhelming felicity or pleasure.  I don't think that dictionary.com does a great job of defining the word joy, though, because the first word was "happiness."  The Oxford English dictionary does a better job by defining it as "a vivid emotion of pleasure arising from a sense of well-being or satisfaction; the feeling or state of being highly pleased or delighted."

Joy is the second fruit of the spirit mentioned in Galatians 5, preceeded solely by love.  John Mayer says "love is a verb" theology that I definitely agree with, and I'd like to argue maybe that joy is a verb as well.  James 1 says "consider it pure joy to face trials of many kinds."  That means joy is an action--its a choice.  To be joyous, one must be in complete contentment and confidence that her needs are met--whether they want to or not.  Its a concious state of mind that takes work--even for optimists.

As a pessimist, the state of being joyful is not something that happens with ease.  Its hard work for me.  I have to conciously remind myself of my identity in Christ, of what side I am on, and of my expectations and purposes.  Sometimes it comes much easier that other times.  When I find myself in a state of prosperity, I can be thankful for a whole lot of things.  But catch me in a moment of adversity and forget it. I wallow.  I'm such a selfish sinner.  When God finds it in His pleasure and will to bless me--its really easy to look at the positive sides of things and have the shallow ice-cream-with-sprinkles-on-it joy, but when that ice cream with sprinkles falls off the cone and crashes on the ground, its really hard to think of something to be thankful for.

This was an ice-cream-on-the-ground kind of week and all I wanted to do was kick the dog.  It was a challenge to find the positive things throughout my week.  My mind has been in the US for the past month, and I have been counting down the days until my flight (70 days).  Every time something would go wrong this week, I'd just repeat the amount of days I have left in my mind which left me even more depressed because I just wanted to go home.  I tried so hard to find blessings of this week that I conciously had to sit down and write them in my journal.

He managed to help me think of an abundance (more than 40) of blessings that I have in my life right now.  In this season--not just things to look forward to in the next.  He brought me a type of contentment that I haven't had in a long time, and for that I am overwhelmingly blessed.  The week that started with the Hope of the Resurrection is what made me see that He is a Just God of grace--the greatest contradiction known to man, and I am privileged to know him.

Here are some of the blessings I wrote about this week:

Parsons, Bennets, Reeds, and Smith families to share Easter dinner with when mine is far away (picture below)

Disney movies that are perfect watch while grading mountains of papers (picture below)

Music that plants itself in my head giving me a soundtrack to life (though annoying its better than silence)

Rain & cool enough weather to wear scarves and long sleeves (!!!!)

Coke and Popcorn (the website with free viewing of US tv shows)

Overseeing detention with kids who decided they wanted to discuss the Bible

THE PHILLIES!!! (opening day was yesterday...can't wait for summer games)

When toddlers run to me with their arms stretched out (best moment ever)

Being able to cook for other people..perhaps my favorite act of worship (picture below)

Fireworks to ring in the Resurrection of Christ...ask me for a video of the sunrise service

A new yellow dress and the seamstress who made it for me..and the low cost for it to be done :)

When my students actually quote things I say back to me and I realize they actually listen (BIG deal)

Birthdays!! Two of my students and a fellow missionary had birthday parties today...lots of fun!!

Godly conversations with other single women here in Bolivia.

Dave's ability to patiently listen to my venting fits and still respond in wisdom and love.

That moment when a student applies something we are learning in class OUTSIDE of class!!! :)

the Psalms...reading a Psalm a day forces me to praise God :)

TERRIBLE jokes that still make me laugh

Embracing one of my 8th graders right after she made a decision to follow Christ (BEST MOMENT)

Photos like the ones below:

These are all missionary kids that I have babysat, discipled, taught, or ministered to throughout this year.  They are my out-of-school ministry, and I love them all dearly.  We took these pictures after Easter dinner.

These are my seventh graders on theme-day.  Our theme was Disney characters.  I got a little bit into it.

I baked this pizza last night and shared it with a couple neighbors.  It was a pick-me-up ending to a hard week.

As God has challenged me this week, I hope he challenges you to look for those blessings in your life that you are just NOT entitled to.  I pray that you choose joy this week as you are in the thick of life and tempted to kick the dog eating your puddle of ice cream.

Thanks for your prayers and support!  You are all a huge blessing in my life...what are some blessings you have experienced this week that you might want to share as a COMMENT below?

--

Rachel

The Cycle of Unforgiveness

This week I have been teaching my 7th graders about Point of View.  I used a cup that had liquid filled half way, and asked the students to decide whether they saw the glass as half full or half empty.  The class was pulled in different directions deciding on which was right or wrong.  But the truth is, both perspectives were right, just one might have been more optimistic than the other. Perspective is always a huge part of human interaction.  The same story can be told in so many different ways simply by point of view.  But at the end of the day, the Omniscient One is the only one that knows the complete truth, and we are simply called to seek that truth.

When I was in 5th grade, I got in an argument with one of my friends.  I don't even remember what the fight was about, but I know that it was most likely not worth the hours and hours (which seemed like days in a 5th grade mind) of time that we did not speak to eachother.  Eventually I broke my wall of pride down and apologized, but my friend did NOT want to hear it.  She refused my apology.  I was apalled.  HOW could someone not forgive my sincerest apology?  HOW could someone be so proud and mean!?  How could someone make me feel so small and worthless?

I have always accepted God grace for myself.  I know myself well enough to see that I do not deserve the supernatural grace that God has given me willingly.  Ever since I was a small girl I have learned the truth of His mercy.  Through so many avenues God has taught me about His ultimate sacrfice: the wordless book, diarammas in Sunday School, countless altar calls, bible songs accompanied by intense sign language..and many many more.  But I never really and truly grasped the grace and mercy of God until I saw that I needed it: when it wasn't given to me willingly by those who I desperately wanted it from.

As I look back on the dramatic argument of 5th grade, I'm starting to see it from my friend's perspective.  I see why it might have been that she refused to forgive me.  I see why it is that she didn't want to be involved in my life.  I betrayed her.  I hurt her.  I made her feel small and worthless.  God had already forgiven me for the things that I said and did to her, but all I cared about was the fact that she DIDN'T forgive me.

How often do I see myself on both sides of this scenario.  Wanting desperately for someone to forgive me, and then on the other side: too prideful to forgive.  Such is the neverending cycle of unforgiveness that so many of us fall into, and honestly I have fallen into it.

I hurt so I hurt someone else.
I'm not forgiven, so I don't forgive.

Why is it that my flesh wins time and time again?  Thank you, Lord, for showing me my heart.
God teach me how to see, know, and remember that your grace is enough

Please be praying for me this week as I learn how to forgive as well as how to be far from home.

Rachel